LONG LIVE KREWSONDearVice,
I should start this off by mentioning that I generally consider writing to publications, companies, or other abstract entities the exclusive province of dumbshits and an all-around waste of time. That said, however, those fucking food dudes by Jim Krewson nearly caused me to jump off the toilet, skip right past pen and paper, and call your office just to go, “YESSSSSSSS!” Typing this out is my concession to dignity. Keep up the goodness; this was easily the best fashion section since the kitty cats one.BEN CARRANTINEPhiladelphia, PAPS: How long did it take him to make each of those guys? My guess would be a while.Jim is the best artist in the world. It took him 2.5 seconds to make each food dude because he is just that good.CAN ANOREXICS EAT CROW?Hey,So, do you really expect us to believe that one of your writers went without eating anything for ten days and suffered no side effects other than getting kind of weirdly emotional? I think somebody didn’t get the memo that the Lies Issue was last month, cause that read like some severe bullshit.How about keeping it “real” from now on, eh?ANNA MEYERAnn Arbor, MIPeople go on fasts all the time you fucking retard. If you drink water you can last forever. Try it.
FART CONTESTThis article rules.By far my most favourite way to fart is to drink like 4 cups of thick-ass coffee, and right when I feel the gas all boiling up in my gut, I grab the nearest empty cup off the table, and fart in it. Then i put my hand over the top of the cup to cap it off, thereby trapping it so it can build up energy and feed off of itself. The smell is tremendous. It usually works best if there is someone else around, like your roommate or girlfriend, cause you can be say, innocently, “Ah fuck, man, what’s up with this cup? What was in this thing? Ah fuck.” And then you pass the cup to whoever’s around for them to check out. The look on their faces is amazing every time.DirtstinVia viceland.com
Do you have a roommate or a girlfriend?
THE COLON’S BROOM
Hey Vice, Hats off to the fucking walnuts on Fred Armisen’s illegal-food list, but how about adding broccoli as a last-minute rider? I have a weird genetic thing that causes me to taste certain chemicals in broccoli that other people can’t, certain horrible chemicals. When I was little and my mom would cook it, the smell alone would literally cause me to start gagging. Actually, a good fifth of people have the same dealy; scientists call us (gayly enough) “supertasters.” And if it weren’t already bad enough that God made me privy to one of his worst flavors and scientists let their five-year-old name my condition, whenever I mention it to people they declare me a pussy and a fibber. Maybe you could get the get word out, so me and the rest of the supertasters don’t have to suffer in silence? ERIC MACKENROY
Charlottesville, VA Well there you go. The word is out. SUPPORT THE ISLANDERS All the arguments criticizing the Barra Island issue (Vices passim) make a point but are, I’m afraid, poorly argued. Vice did well and would do better to continue reflecting local cultures. Within history there is currently a gap in knowledge concerning regional cultures. Few books, articles and universities have taken the subject seriously until very recently (see: Centre for Local History Leicester University, Centre for English Cultural Tradition Sheffield University, Leeds Archive of Vernacular Culture and Museum for English Rural Life Reading University). Popular culture has in many ways taken out the local experience of culture in order to communicate with a national audience. Ninety per cent of the UK media industry is based in London and it seems as though this imbalance will continue for a long time to come. However, with the help of digital technology the tide is currently turning (eg, MySpace, Digital TV, BBC moving departments to Manchester and Bristol etc). Myself and many others welcome any contribution in reflecting regional and local cultures, whether its by Folk Life, Vice, NME, The People’s Friend or even Knave. CHRIS
Via email KIND OF MISSING THE POINT
Vice, I would be extremely surprised if I am the only person to have made the following observation, but upon reading your magazine for the first time recently, I was overcome with the strange sensation of becoming part of another world, a world that I had previously thought to be fictitious, a satirical cityscape in which utter mindlessness and vacuous activity are the order of the day. I was living an epsiode of Nathan Barley, sitting at the bar of the Nailgun Arms, the magazine I held in my hands was not Vice, but SugaRape, and on the screen of my laptop Trashbat.co.ck spewed forth its pseudo-political drivel. However I was, prior to reading Vice, unaware of the ridiculously close proximity between the truth of the matter, and the barely exaggerated fiction, it’s unbelievable!…I can just imagine you all arriving on the island of Barra, with you’re fucking aviators, and jeans with paint on, while the islanders muttered to one another about how the place just got a whole lot more ‘Trendy Wanker’, but being kind and hospitable all the same because they are genuinly good people. I picture you furiously wacking off behind a rock, at how cool it is to be ‘doing a whole issue on, like, people who live on, like, a little island and it’s really kind of humbling’….except it’s really not, because you obviously returned from the place with your heads still firmly implanted up your own, and each others, arseholes, ready to set to work on next months issue that will focus on the ‘Race-hate chic’ fashion trail currently being blazed by members of Combat 18…[continues like this for years. Here are some “highlights”:] …You complete pieces of rotting shit, you are fucking braindead… Never in the history of literature has so much been written about so little… You are charlatans and you serve no purpose other than to produce a magazine for your fellow cunts to enjoy…I know you wont publish this, but I just thought I’d let you know what a pack of cunts you really are. SAM MEAD
Via email
Can you believe someone bothered to write this?
IT NEVER FAILS…
Vice, What the fuck? Are you guys the new Rolling Stone? Fuck Jenny Lewis and the Watson Twins. How did the Witnesses get a 0 when Jenny and her sideshow got a 10? How old are you assholes? Jenny is on some psycho mind-trip thinking she’s Loretta Lynn and you’re all falling for it. Her cute little “I’m a heartbreaker” act wasn’t convincing with Rilo Kiley before and it certainly isn’t now. Will you stop staring at her fucking gigantic rack and remember when no one liked her because she was ugly and talentless? Well dumbasses, newsflash: She still is. Much love, SOPHIE ADAMS
New York, NY … that at least one sad shitstain like you takes the time to write a letter to us about a review. Sophie, it is a review of a record in a magazine. Who gives a fuh-lyyy-eeng fuuuck? PS: That band the Witnesses do suck though. HUH, WHAT?
Vice, I just finished reading what you wrote about the Blackfeet people. I found Carol Murray’s interview interesting but the rest of it was pretty much trash. You have interviewed and looked at the most negative aspect of our people. Why didn’t you look at the real Blackfeet people or the positive issues that we’ve accomplished in combating alcoholism, drugs, unemployment? Your writings reminded me of some of the stupidest things I read from college students back in the day. We have so much more to offer than what you made us out to be. We’re not all drunks and wannabes! We don’t all live in trashy homes, our boxing club doesn’t teach kids violence, and we don’t have the Bloods here. If you come here again let me show you what real Blackfeet are all about, and let me show you what we’ve accomplished and what is really holding us back from succeeding even more. Sincerely, CII BI NA MA KA
Browning, MT Are you really Blackfeet? Because we spent a while out there doing the issue and didn’t notice blindness as being an overarching characteristic of your people. Did you not see the articles by spiritual elders, the open talk about blood quantums, the addict who is happily in recovery, the woman who is finding jobs for people, or the fashion shoot? Anyway, don’t blame us. They wrote it. KNOW YOUR ENEMY
To Whom It May Concern: My mother sent me a copy of The World is Flat and implored me to read it. The book, though interesting, didn’t really apply to my work field. I sent her a copy of the Vice review and she read it aloud at a globalization conference. Imagine a strong, independent 66-year-old woman reading the best quotes from the review aloud to a conference of 1,000 boomers discussing how to keep jobs in the States. Made me laugh. Cheers, RORY FELTON
Long Beach, CA The World is Flat is the Satanic bible. We just got back from China where employers brag and pretend they pay their workers $1.25 an hour (they don’t—they pay $0.25 an hour). Thomas Friedman sees competing with that as “a challenge.” OK, let’s have a “hold your breath” competition with Laci Peterson while we’re at it. FACIAL HAIR INQUIRY
Dear Vice, What’s the rule for wearing a moustache in the 2000s? I know the ironic moustache was way in a few years ago, but is the machismo moustache accepted by the fellas and the ladies now? Should a man wait until he is in his 30s to properly pull off a mature, masculine facial hair statement? Attached are a couple of pics of two straight guys that were at our wedding in 2004. I think Roger (in the sweater) sports a proper Burt moustache, but Bill’s kind of looks like it should be called the Dick-Duster. Is one moustache better than the other in your opinion? Thanks for your advice. Oh, great mag by the way; please keep us laughing and thinking every month while we use the bathroom. COREY CORCORAN
Austin, TX Moustaches are like Journey. You start off liking them as a joke but then you’re like, “Hey, these are really good songs.” Then people go, “Are you being ironic?” and you’re all, “I have no idea.” So, in short, they are always good and it doesn’t matter why. KENTUCKY FRIED MORON
Hi, Could I either have the writer T-zone’s e-mail or if you happen to have eaten at Raymond’s could you tell me how much their chicken platter costs? JOHN B
Via email You mean you want the address of the chicken-and-beer spot we profiled in The Lies Issue? It’s at 6969 Bullshit Street in MadeItUpsVille, New York. FREE TO BE YOU AND ME
Hey, I’m not really sure who to email, but I am doing a research project on Vice Magazine for my class. I realize the consequences of admitting this, but I attend the Evergreen State College and I am in a literature-and-film philosophy class called Friendship, which probably sounds like a huge joke. It’s not. My project is supposed to be about a group of friends and how friendship has impacted their career, and has their career impacted their friendship? While at a friend’s house I picked up The Vice Guide to Sex and Drugs and Rock and Roll and noticed that Vice was founded by three friends, Suroosh Alvi, Gavin McInnes, and Shane Smith. Where can I get more information about their friendship and how it shaped Vice? JAHLA BROWN
Olympia, WA How about what Boomers did to education? She’s going $30,000 into debt to learn about Friendship. In North America send correspondence to vice@viceland.com (include city and state/province) or mail to Vice Magazine, 97 North 10th Street, Suite 202, Brooklyn, NY 11211. Letters are edited for length. In Scandinavia write to VICE at St. Eriksgatan 48 A, SE-112 34 Stockholm. Send letters there or to info@viceland.se. _In the UK write to VICE at 77 Leonard Street, London, EC2A 4QS. Send letters there or to [letters@viceuk.com ](mailto:letters@viceuk.com)In Australia send letters to Mailbox 61, 278 Church St, Richmond, Victoria 3121 or to [stuff@viceaustralia.com ](mailto:stuff@viceaustralia.com)_
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Hey Vice, Hats off to the fucking walnuts on Fred Armisen’s illegal-food list, but how about adding broccoli as a last-minute rider? I have a weird genetic thing that causes me to taste certain chemicals in broccoli that other people can’t, certain horrible chemicals. When I was little and my mom would cook it, the smell alone would literally cause me to start gagging. Actually, a good fifth of people have the same dealy; scientists call us (gayly enough) “supertasters.” And if it weren’t already bad enough that God made me privy to one of his worst flavors and scientists let their five-year-old name my condition, whenever I mention it to people they declare me a pussy and a fibber. Maybe you could get the get word out, so me and the rest of the supertasters don’t have to suffer in silence? ERIC MACKENROY
Charlottesville, VA Well there you go. The word is out. SUPPORT THE ISLANDERS All the arguments criticizing the Barra Island issue (Vices passim) make a point but are, I’m afraid, poorly argued. Vice did well and would do better to continue reflecting local cultures. Within history there is currently a gap in knowledge concerning regional cultures. Few books, articles and universities have taken the subject seriously until very recently (see: Centre for Local History Leicester University, Centre for English Cultural Tradition Sheffield University, Leeds Archive of Vernacular Culture and Museum for English Rural Life Reading University). Popular culture has in many ways taken out the local experience of culture in order to communicate with a national audience. Ninety per cent of the UK media industry is based in London and it seems as though this imbalance will continue for a long time to come. However, with the help of digital technology the tide is currently turning (eg, MySpace, Digital TV, BBC moving departments to Manchester and Bristol etc). Myself and many others welcome any contribution in reflecting regional and local cultures, whether its by Folk Life, Vice, NME, The People’s Friend or even Knave. CHRIS
Via email KIND OF MISSING THE POINT
Vice, I would be extremely surprised if I am the only person to have made the following observation, but upon reading your magazine for the first time recently, I was overcome with the strange sensation of becoming part of another world, a world that I had previously thought to be fictitious, a satirical cityscape in which utter mindlessness and vacuous activity are the order of the day. I was living an epsiode of Nathan Barley, sitting at the bar of the Nailgun Arms, the magazine I held in my hands was not Vice, but SugaRape, and on the screen of my laptop Trashbat.co.ck spewed forth its pseudo-political drivel. However I was, prior to reading Vice, unaware of the ridiculously close proximity between the truth of the matter, and the barely exaggerated fiction, it’s unbelievable!…I can just imagine you all arriving on the island of Barra, with you’re fucking aviators, and jeans with paint on, while the islanders muttered to one another about how the place just got a whole lot more ‘Trendy Wanker’, but being kind and hospitable all the same because they are genuinly good people. I picture you furiously wacking off behind a rock, at how cool it is to be ‘doing a whole issue on, like, people who live on, like, a little island and it’s really kind of humbling’….except it’s really not, because you obviously returned from the place with your heads still firmly implanted up your own, and each others, arseholes, ready to set to work on next months issue that will focus on the ‘Race-hate chic’ fashion trail currently being blazed by members of Combat 18…[continues like this for years. Here are some “highlights”:] …You complete pieces of rotting shit, you are fucking braindead… Never in the history of literature has so much been written about so little… You are charlatans and you serve no purpose other than to produce a magazine for your fellow cunts to enjoy…I know you wont publish this, but I just thought I’d let you know what a pack of cunts you really are. SAM MEAD
Via email
Vice, What the fuck? Are you guys the new Rolling Stone? Fuck Jenny Lewis and the Watson Twins. How did the Witnesses get a 0 when Jenny and her sideshow got a 10? How old are you assholes? Jenny is on some psycho mind-trip thinking she’s Loretta Lynn and you’re all falling for it. Her cute little “I’m a heartbreaker” act wasn’t convincing with Rilo Kiley before and it certainly isn’t now. Will you stop staring at her fucking gigantic rack and remember when no one liked her because she was ugly and talentless? Well dumbasses, newsflash: She still is. Much love, SOPHIE ADAMS
New York, NY … that at least one sad shitstain like you takes the time to write a letter to us about a review. Sophie, it is a review of a record in a magazine. Who gives a fuh-lyyy-eeng fuuuck? PS: That band the Witnesses do suck though. HUH, WHAT?
Vice, I just finished reading what you wrote about the Blackfeet people. I found Carol Murray’s interview interesting but the rest of it was pretty much trash. You have interviewed and looked at the most negative aspect of our people. Why didn’t you look at the real Blackfeet people or the positive issues that we’ve accomplished in combating alcoholism, drugs, unemployment? Your writings reminded me of some of the stupidest things I read from college students back in the day. We have so much more to offer than what you made us out to be. We’re not all drunks and wannabes! We don’t all live in trashy homes, our boxing club doesn’t teach kids violence, and we don’t have the Bloods here. If you come here again let me show you what real Blackfeet are all about, and let me show you what we’ve accomplished and what is really holding us back from succeeding even more. Sincerely, CII BI NA MA KA
Browning, MT Are you really Blackfeet? Because we spent a while out there doing the issue and didn’t notice blindness as being an overarching characteristic of your people. Did you not see the articles by spiritual elders, the open talk about blood quantums, the addict who is happily in recovery, the woman who is finding jobs for people, or the fashion shoot? Anyway, don’t blame us. They wrote it. KNOW YOUR ENEMY
To Whom It May Concern: My mother sent me a copy of The World is Flat and implored me to read it. The book, though interesting, didn’t really apply to my work field. I sent her a copy of the Vice review and she read it aloud at a globalization conference. Imagine a strong, independent 66-year-old woman reading the best quotes from the review aloud to a conference of 1,000 boomers discussing how to keep jobs in the States. Made me laugh. Cheers, RORY FELTON
Long Beach, CA The World is Flat is the Satanic bible. We just got back from China where employers brag and pretend they pay their workers $1.25 an hour (they don’t—they pay $0.25 an hour). Thomas Friedman sees competing with that as “a challenge.” OK, let’s have a “hold your breath” competition with Laci Peterson while we’re at it. FACIAL HAIR INQUIRY
Dear Vice, What’s the rule for wearing a moustache in the 2000s? I know the ironic moustache was way in a few years ago, but is the machismo moustache accepted by the fellas and the ladies now? Should a man wait until he is in his 30s to properly pull off a mature, masculine facial hair statement? Attached are a couple of pics of two straight guys that were at our wedding in 2004. I think Roger (in the sweater) sports a proper Burt moustache, but Bill’s kind of looks like it should be called the Dick-Duster. Is one moustache better than the other in your opinion? Thanks for your advice. Oh, great mag by the way; please keep us laughing and thinking every month while we use the bathroom. COREY CORCORAN
Austin, TX Moustaches are like Journey. You start off liking them as a joke but then you’re like, “Hey, these are really good songs.” Then people go, “Are you being ironic?” and you’re all, “I have no idea.” So, in short, they are always good and it doesn’t matter why. KENTUCKY FRIED MORON
Hi, Could I either have the writer T-zone’s e-mail or if you happen to have eaten at Raymond’s could you tell me how much their chicken platter costs? JOHN B
Via email You mean you want the address of the chicken-and-beer spot we profiled in The Lies Issue? It’s at 6969 Bullshit Street in MadeItUpsVille, New York. FREE TO BE YOU AND ME
Hey, I’m not really sure who to email, but I am doing a research project on Vice Magazine for my class. I realize the consequences of admitting this, but I attend the Evergreen State College and I am in a literature-and-film philosophy class called Friendship, which probably sounds like a huge joke. It’s not. My project is supposed to be about a group of friends and how friendship has impacted their career, and has their career impacted their friendship? While at a friend’s house I picked up The Vice Guide to Sex and Drugs and Rock and Roll and noticed that Vice was founded by three friends, Suroosh Alvi, Gavin McInnes, and Shane Smith. Where can I get more information about their friendship and how it shaped Vice? JAHLA BROWN
Olympia, WA How about what Boomers did to education? She’s going $30,000 into debt to learn about Friendship. In North America send correspondence to vice@viceland.com (include city and state/province) or mail to Vice Magazine, 97 North 10th Street, Suite 202, Brooklyn, NY 11211. Letters are edited for length. In Scandinavia write to VICE at St. Eriksgatan 48 A, SE-112 34 Stockholm. Send letters there or to info@viceland.se. _In the UK write to VICE at 77 Leonard Street, London, EC2A 4QS. Send letters there or to [letters@viceuk.com ](mailto:letters@viceuk.com)In Australia send letters to Mailbox 61, 278 Church St, Richmond, Victoria 3121 or to [stuff@viceaustralia.com ](mailto:stuff@viceaustralia.com)_