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Vice Blog

CANADA - UNCLE PAT'S FIFI-BAG

January 17, 2008, 10:31pm

When I was twelve, my Uncle Pat was doing time down in Fresno County for trafficking four keys of methamphetamine. My mom and he were really close, so we would always keep in touch. Sometimes he would send us cartoon pictures that he coloured with licked Smarties (they weren't allowed colouring pencils), or big Harley Davidson signs he made in woodshop. He was pretty awesome. A year later, he came to live with us in Vernon, B.C. He had a million good stories and funny slogans (my favourite was: "face down ass up, it all tastes the same"). He was also a great source of knowledge when it came to jerking off, probably from being in jail for most of his adult life. I remember he gave me a big box of old porn tapes and magazines, which was gold for a thirteen year old. Then he told me about his Aryan Brotherhood cellmate Bones who showed him how to make something called a fifi-bag. Recently he was released from jail (again) and I called him up and asked him how to make a fifi bag of my very own.

1) "First you've got the medical gloves. The cleaners are the only guys that have access to gloves, so you have to do the barter system—shoot 'em some stamps and smokes or something and they'll hook you up."

2) "Throw some hand lotion inside one of 'em. More lube is better so just go to town."

3) "Get a regular-sized towel. You only get two of them in jail, so you have to make sure to separate the good towel from the fifi towel. Fold the towel in half, then lay the glove fingers-in inside of the towel. The opening of the glove is on the edge of the towel and you roll it like you would a joint, forward."

4) "Take the rolled towel with the glove inside of it and the wrist part sticking out. Roll it until all the fabric is rolled up and then take the glove, pull it out, open up the wrist and pull it over the towel."

5) "Take one of your socks and put it on the other side so the other side doesn't unravel."

6) "Now there's this rolled up towel with a tube sock on the bottom and a glove on the top, with the opening of the glove wrapped around the top edge. And that's where you insert your Howard. You can fully adjust the tension level. The best part about it is when you're done you just pull the glove out and toss it away. It's an easy, clean jack-off session."

Jordon Daniel Eggleston