Sex

Of Course People are Writing Pornos About the Giant Suez Canal Dick Ship

“Ever Given had never tried canal before.”
March 31, 2021, 8:45am
An eggplant emoji on top of the satellite image of the MS Evergiven
Illustration: VICE. Photo: AFP PHOTO / Satellite image ©2021 Maxar Technologies

After drawing a giant dick pic in the ocean and getting stuck in the Suez Canal,  the giant container ship MS Ever Given ship is finally free. The 400-metre unfortunate beast got lodged in the Suez Canal last Tuesday, causing a traffic jam of ships, a toilet paper shortage, and a delay in a valuable shipment of sex toys and an estimated £7 billion worth of goods.  

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The ship soon became the internet’s favourite vehicle and gave us jokes and memes to remember forever. What it also steered was erotica.

As coronavirus cases once again soar worldwide and many of us get back indoors, it’s only natural that we have to find more things to occupy ourselves. A ship wedged tightly in a canal, with a “bulbous bow” and a promise to “provide the contact the canal has been deprived of for decades” seems to be the obvious premise for erotica and fan fiction writers who’ve anthropomorphised both, the ship and canal. If the coronavirus could be written of as a green, muscular, sexy man right out of a fever dream, it was kinda a given that Ever Given would follow suit. The dick pic it drew didn’t help the cause.

As of today, fanfiction platform ArchiveOfOurOwn boasts 115 works with the tag “Suez Canal (Anthropomorphic).” Most bring alive the lead characters, with the canal often described as lonely and “longing for a lover”, the ship wanting to “stay inside you for days” before being “finally pulled out”... you get the drift. In its horniness though, some of the stories are often more comical or just sweet than turning-on. Some, obviously, are just bad writing.

One of the stories titled “XXX-TRA WIDE CARGO STUFFS MAJOR SHIPPING LANE --- DELIVERS HUGE PAYLOAD!!” that has got almost 10K hits, sounds promising as a porno but actually is just the kind of banter you hear among married couples, with a couple of ship puns thrown in. Suez is not happy with Ever Given having drawn dick balls in the Red Sea but Ever Given insists that was just foreplay (Get it?). It can’t even be called a story but it’s definitely made its author famous. 

“The response has been WAY bigger than I expected, which I think has more to do with our collective need for a stress release valve than anything about the fic itself,” said GalWednesday, the author of the fic, to Jezebel

As we read more stories, we realise that even the wild ones have a tinge of loss and longing. The parting, a huge hoorah to trade worldwide, is often described as a parting of lovers. 

And as you let go the world rejoices. Trade can commence. Hooray.
But you mourn. You mourn what could have been with your beautiful Suez.
You are unable to look back as the world ushers you forward. Away from your sweet Suez.
- An excerpt from the fanfic, “Sweet Suez”

This ship might have sailed but at least its stories have given people something to hold on to.

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