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The Best Birthday Gifts for Virgos, Other Than a 5-Year Plan

Behind every freewheelin' fire sign is an organized Virgo—so gift them aesthetic storage solutions, art books, and a vibrator that tracks orgasm data.
MF
New York, US
August 23, 2021, 7:49pm
virgo gift guide presents
Composite by VICE Staff

I personally call Virgo the “back to school sign” because its season (August 22–September 22) not only marks the return to the classroom, but Virgos are a school of knowledge in and of themselves. It’s true, dude. Virgos... kind of know it all. 

At least, they think they do (but they won’t be as annoying as Aquariuses about it). Virgo is the sixth sign of the western Zodiac, and is ruled by Mercury, which is the planet of communication. That means Virgos are both detail- and resolution-orientated, and they’re more likely to read and respect social cues than, say, a gregarious Sagittarius or an adrenaline-junky Aries. Remember that time (which is all times) when Virgo man Keanu Reeves posed oh-so-respectfully with women on the red carpet? Yes, the bar is on the floor—but leave it to a Virgo to raise it a little higher. 

Virgo will work harder than most other signs to both understand and set boundaries in the scheme of their larger plans of action, because these babies are planners (do NOT throw a surprise party; it will just stress them out) and helpers. Consider Fred Hampton and Agatha Christie [toots celestial air horn], two highly strategic, detail-oriented Virgos who knew how to help those around them feel grounded—ever the earth signs. 

Of course, that also means Virgo can be hardheaded and picky. There’s a good chance they’ll be the ones sifting through hundreds of Yelp reviews before picking a taco spot and spending hours in the unsolved crimes section of the bookstore. They’re also not going to be objectively organized, despite the clichés around their sign’s general cleanliness, but rather committed to their own system of organization. And that system might be called Forgotten Recycling Mountain, or Drawer of Forlorn Bills. Be warned: Virgo is organized, but only according to their logic.  

But you know what? We need a Virgo moment right now. In the post-Leo season hangover, Virgo swoops in with an Ibuprofen, a perfectly brewed cup of artisanal coffee, and a plan to set your intentions high for the coming fall season. Mars, which is the most combative of planets, is also going to be in Virgo right now, which means the part of you that sticks up for you—whether you’re a Virgo or not—is going to lean into self-agency and strategy. That’s why we’re gifting our Virgos even more modes of organization, from outdoor accessories to aesthetic storage solutions and high-tech vibrators to fancy hand soaps. 

They probably don't believe in the powers of astrology (how Virgo of them), so let’s prove them wrong with a smattering of Virgo-centric, dually motivated presents...

Find a book that feeds their expertise

What Virgo really wants is more information on what they already know to be the most interesting thing to know everything about. (Not that they need your help, or anything.) Virgo is the perpetual, low-key know-it-all ready to dish the facts—but a stunnah art book from Taschen that dives even deeper into their passion for architecture, design, tattoos, Jim Henson, and anything else they’ve corrected you on over the years will be greatly appreciated. 

Taschen

Case Study Houses: The Complete CSH Program 1945-1966

Taschen

Tattoo: 1730s-1970s from Henk Schiffmacher’s Private Collection

Organization is everything

Again, not all Virgos are organized, but all Virgos think that the way in which they “organize” works perfectly, and they’ll stick to it. Give them a few more building blocks to work with by finding some niche organizational items, from bread boxes to mini fridges that will make their bedroom feel like a luxury hotel. 

Uncommon Goods

Bathtime Essentials Wine Holder

AstroAI

8 Can Skincare Mini Fridge

HAY

Medium Color Crate

Brabantia

Fall Front Bread Box

They don’t make coffee, they ~prepare~ it

Who’s up before everyone else on vacation, weighing out the coffee beans? Your Virgo of course. People get into coffee for different reasons, ranging from the rote caffeination station to building a savory, ritualistic experience. Virgo is in it for the most logical of reasons: Use the best goods, get the best taste. 

COSORI

Electric Gooseneck Kettle with 5 Variable Presets

Nguyen Coffee Supply

The Original Phin Kit (FIlter + Coffee)

KitchenTour

Coffee Scale with Timer

Sex is a well-oiled rodeo

Even the most spontaneous of hook-ups with a Virgo will find you surrounded by their horny accessories. That means high-tech condoms and cleansing wipes for toys, bums, and whatever else needs prepping. It means bending over some sex furniture and playing with app-controlled vibrators and sex toys such as the Lioness, which will actually give you *data* on your orgasms. 

Promescent

Flushable Wet Wipes for Adults with Aloe Vera

We-Vibe

Melt App-Controlled Rechargeable Clitoral Stimulator

Lioness

The Lioness Vibrator 2.0

Oh, you want hobbies? 

Virgo doesn’t necessarily have more hobbies than you, but they do come better prepared to maximize their enjoyment. If they’re biking or hiking, they’re doing it with gloves and a sling for the ol’ Nalgene. If they’re stuck inside, they’re busting out the custom MLB cards or a 1,000-spiece puzzle. 

Uncommon Goods

MLB Stadium Illustration Playing Cards

Rassvet

1,000 piece jigsaw puzzle

HANDUP

Most Days Cycling Gloves

Alterior X Jam

Nalgene Sling

Stock them up on non-alcoholic bevvies

If anyone is taking a break from pounding the picklebacks this summer, it’s Virgo. Or, if anything, they’re going to be very down to supplement the boozy weekends with a little non-alcoholic, spritzy drinks from homegrown brands like Soul Brew, Wildwonder, Sanzo, and Ghia, all of which offer a smorgasbord of probiotic, herb-infused, brain-massaging bubbles that feel like giving your tongue a spa day.    

Soul Brew

Teacher’s Aid Immune System Booster Kombucha (12 pack)

Wildwonder

Variety Pack (12 cans)

Sanzo

Sparkling Lychee Water (12 pack)

Ghia

Le spritz (4 pack)

Keep it clean

Remember: Virgos aren’t always cleaner than you. (Welllllllll. Have you ever seen the room of a weepy Cancer? Forget it.) They’re just into sticking to their own system of order and hygiene, even if it’s paradoxical (and why they’d benefit from a luxury soap-on-a-rope bar). I once knew a Virgo dude with the messiest house, but also a sharp knowledge of exactly where he left everything on the floordrobe and a bottle of Aesop soap in the busted-AF restroom.

Claus Porto

Musgo Real Spiced Citrus On A Rope Soap

Aesop

Geranium Leaf Rinse-Free Hand Wash

Finally, help them set the table

If you’re celebrating Virgo with a sit-down meal (or your Virgo has some gourmand Taurus placements), bring them some tablescape accessories that will keep the vibe (and their fingers) immaculate, from plates and napkins to groovy Memphis design bud vases.  

Vintage

Postmodern Memphis Era Plates by Claudia Shuride (Set of 2)

MoMA

Marguerita Mergentime Once in a While Cloth Napkins

Vintage

Memphis Design Stella Vessel Bud Vase

Cheers to your Virgo, however anally retentive they may be. See you again come Libra season, the vainest fairest of them all. 


The Rec Room staff independently selected all of the stuff featured in this story.