One of the nation’s favourite supermarkets, nestled into every suburb and bustling metropolitan, is harbouring a secret. Deep in the aisles of Countdown, beyond the Vogels, Poppa Jacks and endless oat milks, you’ll find a small section of intimate items. All of the usual treats like condoms and various tantalising lubricants are there, but there’s one product you might not expect: a vibrating cockring.
I first came across this phenomenon years ago when I was in my first relationship and “trying something new” as our romantic endeavour was fading. I hadn’t thought about it for years, which really should’ve been indicative of its (spoiler) disappointing effects. Seemingly out of nowhere, the knowledge that in every Countdown across the country sat one of these cockrings reemerged in my mind. And now it was all I could think about. I decided to purchase one again and report back on everything it has to offer. I strapped on my knee high boots and Bratz look-alike fur coat and strutted into Porirua Countdown with one goal in mind. The cockring is discreetly packaged in a black box and easy to miss, but it was there, just where I hoped it’d be. So it came home with me via a party, where unsurprisingly it was the toast of the town. It was stretched, twisted and buzzed by many captivated hands. Confused by the lack of tension – as a cockring is intended to rescript blood to the penis for xxxtra pleasure – we realised that the product I’d purchased was actually being advertised as a “vibrating ring”, focussing less on the shaft and more on whatever's rubbing against it. The buzz around the FKA cockring died down a fair bit once I had it in my bed and ready to go. It seemed a bit flimsy and lacking in grunt. With my expectations waning I hooked it up to my partner to try it out. Here’s what we found: