Welcome to the Noisey Power Rankings, where we take a look back at another trainwreck of a week in music news and try to figure out who came out on top and who took the Ls. Let's dig in…
Bhad Bhabie drops way the fuck down in the rankings this week for an Instagram story (that she later deleted) in which she said that she supports Israel, bich. Man, you know the news cycle is fucked when this didn’t even get picked up in the slightest bit, and yet the news of her pending reality show did. Free Palestine, bich.
Travis Scott moves up this week after cutting a promo for his SNL appearance while being, from what it looks like, completely asleep on his feet. He is a hero for every one of us who has had to pretend to be awake through a boring meeting in a conference room that is way too warm.
Shaggy 2 Dope
Insane Clown Posse’s Shaggy 2 Dope literally falls hard this week for trying to land a dropkick on Limp Bizkit’s Fred Durst and completely whiffing. Just awful. It was the Limp Bizkit of dropkicks. Jeez, do you know how hard you have to work to make Fred Durst look cool? Conversely, Fred Durst—and we can’t believe we’re saying this—moves up this week. The Gathering is gonna be a.w.k.w.a.r.d. this year.
Speaking of getting dropkicked, Azealia Banks goes down this week after Lana Del Rey didn’t not threaten to unfuck her not the fuck up. Getting dunked on by Lana Del Rey is like getting dunked on by Joann Fabrics. Just utterly humiliating. That’s two straight weeks where Lana rises in the Power Rankings.
Taylor Swift would like to do politics too now please! In an Instagram post, she came out in support of Phil Bredesen for Senate and Jim Cooper for the House after being appalled by their opponents’ voting records. We’re just glad she finally spoke out before anything bad happened in America.
Fleetwood Mac takes a hit this week for not licensing their stage production photos from Getty Images. Fleetwood Mac, are you ok??? We know these Buckingham lawsuits must be eating up a good deal of cash, but damn. We have a Getty account. We'd be happy to hook you up with the password if you really need it. Hit us up.
Kanye’s descent has reached Shakespearean levels of tragedy and isn’t even fun to joke about anymore. If anyone in Kanye’s life cares for him, please, get him help.
Perez Hilton loses points for @-ing Ryan Adams in this very messy tweet about his divorce. Just subtweet the guy like the rest of us! Oh, and also, Ryan Adams loses points for his equally messy response.
NPR’s Tiny Desk
The NPR Tiny Desk, which we have noted IS NOT ACTUALLY TINY AT ALL, takes a loss this week after Big Boi performed behind it and said the desk needed a tiny fan. Get a lil fan, NPR! Ventilation is important. You should know that—you have a show called Fresh Air.
Whoever Runs the Destiny's Child Twitter Account
The person who runs Destiny's Child's Twitter account had a bad week, after tweeting happy birthday wishes to Beyoncé, five weeks after her actual birthday. Wait… unless every day is now Beyoncé's birthday? The Beyoncé Singularity is upon us.
Open Mike Eagle
Open Mike Eagle goes up for showing up to his first pro wrestling match, having one training session, and winning.
Post Malone’s Hair
Post Malone announced on Twitter that he cut off his "big ass dreads." Honestly, we didn't even realize he thought of his hair as dreads. Well, that's unfortunate. So, minus points to Post Malone for having dreads. Hm, but he did cut them off, though. This is a tough call. OK, fine. Post Malone evens out this week for once having dreads but now being post-dreads.
The DC Police Department
DC cops move down this week based on this video of them suffering cop indignity while handing back a gun to a man after they realized he had a license for it. The ensuing laughter captured in this video is pure joy.
Jersey Shore’s Mike “The Situation” Sorrentino moves down this week for getting eight months in prison for tax evasion. But at least he was surrounded by his supportive cast members dressed in their formal Jersey attire. They look like they're attending the memorial service for the guy who invented Muscle Milk.
Bear 409 at Katami National Park moves up this week after the Park’s Twitter account tried to shame her for gaining a lil winter weight. We are body-positive (even among bears) and do not appreciate the fat-shaming. In solidarity with Bear 409, we will also order Seamless every night until we too gain four pounds of weight per day.
The White House
1600 Pennsylvania Avenue goes down after hosting Kid Rock for lunch. Gonna take weeks to get the stench of Pall Malls and Mountain Dew out of the Oval Office.
This Random NRA Member on Twitter Who Said She Would Buy All of Kanye’s Albums
Congrats to Twitter user Staci Perry, who said she'd be buying all albums by “Kayne” after he voiced support for guns. We definitely believe that you'll be doing that, Staci. Keep us posted!
Noisey's Trey Smith
Noisey's Trey Smith gets higher in this week's power rankings—and yes, we intended the everloving hell out of that pun—for smoking out of a crab.
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