Canadian Duo Bang Their Way to Olympic Gold

Tessa Virtue and Scott Moir have done more for Canada’s reputation as a sexy nation than anyone since The Weeknd.
February 12, 2018, 5:02pm
Gold! Valery Sharifulin/TASS

Last night, Canada’s Olympic figure skating team won gold at the 2018 Winter Olympics in Pyeongchang, but the real winner was international viewers who learned the truth about our cold nation: Canada fucks.

With the gold already secured for the Canadian squad, ice dancer duo Tessa Virtue and Scott Moir closed it out with their sexy, sexy dance to “Moulin Rouge”—which at least one American commenter brilliantly referred to as “ice fucking.”

Now, this specific performance had already caused a bit of a stir back in Canada last month, with our favourite buttoned-up newspaper, the Toronto Star, referring to the pair’s Moulin Rouge routine as “lush, ripe and sensual.”

What does that really mean? Well, it means the performance basically features some suggested cunnilingus amid the athletic twirls and jumps. (Anyone who discounts figure skating/ice dancing as a sport because of the dancing and corrupt judging has never put knives on their feet and tried to spin.)

The move that got everyone hot at the Canadian Skating Nationals last month.

“I think edgy would probably summarize most of the program quite well and that’s what we were going for,” Virtue, who also won gold with Moir at the 2010 Olympics, told the Star last month.

The “edgy” routine was actually toned down for the Olympic audience in South Korea, which is delightful considering the online reaction to it.

And you haven’t really experienced the routine until you’ve heard it in the original Francais, the sexiest Canadian language.

And no, they aren’t a couple, they are just two sexy professionals who have been turning us on (to figure skating) for years.