Politics

Doug Ford Is Making Toronto Politics Great Again

Relax, this is fine.
July 27, 2018, 8:44pm
'Bend the knee.' Photo via The Canadian Press. 

Ontario is really stupid right now, and it rules. As a Newfoundlander, I really appreciate you guys taking the mantle of “most fucked up province in English Canada” off our hands for a while. (Don’t worry, we’ll be taking it back soon.) Sorry you have to be Patient Zero for an emotional plague of spiteful idiots. I’m sure you’ll soon have lots of company.

Doug Ford has been premier for 10 minutes and his government is just going around fighting everybody like the high school thugs that 40 percent of you desperately wanted them to be. The state is swift like lightning when it wants to be, and after starting a fight with the federal government over refugees, it wants to spank the city of Toronto by cutting its council in half and putting a wrench in its municipal election. It’s good to know that in Ford Nation, revenge is a dish they all eat boiling hot.

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Mayor John Tory, meanwhile, bent the knee with a smile. The city will accept the changes and then put them to a referendum, for some reason. The Ford Brothers’ dream of blowing up the gravy train to save Taxpayer Dollars is finally realized. Everything under heaven is in chaos, and Rob Ford smiles upon us:

Rob Ford the man is dead but his spirit lives everywhere. It moved his brother Premier Ford to bellow in an empty room that Toronto’s council needs to be streamlined because there’s too much talking and not enough action. Democracy is inefficient. Staff grabbing microphones from reporters, clapping and booming like a pack of trained seals. All the clowns with prestige columns still standing around with their mouths gaping, comprehending nothing, still unable to process that politics is more than a parlour game you play with your prep school friends on Twitter. The crowd cheering because they want the bloodsport and the rest of us gave up on getting anything but entertainment out of politics a long time ago. The rest of the vampires moving in because all the lights are going out.

Fuck it. What a time to be alive. Pass me another dollar beer. Who cares if you can taste the e. Coli.

Follow Drew Brown on Twitter.

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