What a long, unsexy pandemic it's been. But good news: Whether you've been flying solo or trudging through the Groundhog Day-esque days and nights with a boo, help is on the way.
Ella Paradis, one of our favorite online sex toy shops, is currently in the midst of a super-sale, with everything from vibrators to dildos to lube to sex furniture marked down big-time. We're talking everything from whisper-quiet toys that won't blow your cover even if you have nosey roommates to chic BDSM gear for starting your personal dungeon. And we don't mean, like, two bucks off. We're talking 70 percent off of VICE staff favorites like the Satisfyer Pro 2 and the Lelo F1s Developer's Kit. We're talking you, yes you, getting off like you've never gotten off before.
EVEN BETTER!!!: We have an exclusive code just for our lovely, horny VICE readers. Use the code VICE15 to get an additional 15% off anything and everything—yep, it works site-wide—meaning that you could be scoring up to 85 percent off on a ton of stuff that's gonna make your knees sweat, your body shake, and your eyes roll into the back of your head. That deal even beats Ella Paradis's Daylight Savings Sale; this is truly as superb of a price-drop as you're gonna get. The code only works until March 21, so make sure to stock up on nightstand-drawer fodder now.
Not sure where to start? Here are some of our all-time faves—tried and true orgasmatrons that our editors and writers can't get enough of (or have always wanted to take for a spin between the sheets). Don't forget that all of the prices listed below (even the sale prices) will have an extra 15% off if you use our magic code VICE15!
The Best Toys for Clits and G-Spots
Satisfyer Pro 2 Next Generation
The legendary, suction-centric Satisfyer Pro’s second incarnation is tactfully updated without overstepping the magic of the OG version, just like when Spielberg sprinkled in more dinos in Jurassic Park years later. Chiefly: it’s quieter. The design is just as straightforward and solid—fluttering waves upon thy clitoris that feel like oral—but it’s gotten a little more sentient. Even when it was a shrieker, the Satisfyer was a legend amongst the clit-stimulators, but a little more sound discretion is always appreciated during these stay at home days. (Hot tip: If you’re a Satisyer stan but want more general lay-on vibration in addition to the clit-stimulating feature, they make a vibrator for that too: the Satisfyer Pro Plus Vibration)
Satisfyer Pro 2 Next Generation,
$74.99 $49.95 at Ella Paradis (+ an additional 15% off with the code VICE15)
Better Love Tap Dancer
Somewhere, someone is sleeping oh-so-soundly at night knowing they named a sex toy after a tap dancer. We wish that someone was us, but we’ll just settle for enjoying the rat-a-tat-tat clit dancing jamboree that this vibrator brings to our nethers; instead of a curvy suction hole, it has a kind of rogue nipple that massages your clit like a nice, pointy tongue (and a very ergonomic, tapered handle). What a showgirl.
Better Love Tap Dancer, $149.99 at Ella Paradis (+ an additional 15% off with the code VICE15)
Better Love Rabbit Lily Vibrator
Sex toys come with sooo many frills these days, but Better Love’s rabbit vibrator knows just what bells and whistles matter. As a one-person-jug-band, it stimulates your G-spot with its tapered but bulbous dildo, and has a long, split clit stimulator (a.k.a, them bunny ears) to simultaneously prioritise your clitoral orgasm. Not only is it a great all-in-one, but this is an excellent vibrator for figuring out if-and-or-what kind of combined orgasm is for you.
Better Love Rabbit Lily Vibrator,
$189.99 $49.99 at Ella Paradis (+ an additional 15% off with the code VICE15)
Hot Octopuss Kurve
If you're the physically sensitive type who wants straightforward, focused G-spot stimulation and penetration without feeling like your clit is getting attacked, then this meaty, curved octopus arm is for you. There’s nothing more frustrating than experiencing great penetrative pleasure, only to have annoying or too-intense clitoral stimulation (sometimes, we don’t want any stimulation at all) on your dildo. This tentacle is a solid, pared down staple to have in your rotation for that reason.
Hot Octopuss Kurve,
$159 $129 at Ella Paradis (+ an additional 15% off with the code VICE15)
Ella Paradis Ella's First G-Spot
The Slim Jim of penetrative wands! This is a focused AF G-spot stimulator whose thin wand gives you a lot of targeted control and maneuverability, with a solid seven inches of penetrative depth. If you're still Indiana Jones-ing for your G-spot, this will help you find the loot.
Ella Paradis Ella's First G-Spot, $63.99 atElla Paradis (+ an additional 15% off with the code VICE15)
In the words of the A-Teens, “[this wand will have you] upside down, bouncing off the ceiling, inside out, [twisting the shaft every which way thanks to its carved, ergonomic shape].” There’s a smart asymmetry to the design of this vibrator, as well as a nice rumbly motor and cushy silicone that makes it great for masturbators who are looking to both coddle their nethers, and explore new angles of penetration and applying internal pressure.
$134.99 $114.99 at Ella Paradis (+ an additional 15% off with the code VICE15)
Lelo Soraya Wave
One of the most luxurious vibrators on the market. Just look at those arabesque, golden curves and that sensual design. No loud rumble. No rabbit ears. Just a “teacup pinky up” situation for your clit. The Soroya Wave is basically a sexy adult Bop It in the best way possible that “blends beauty and brawn for complete satisfaction” (its words, not ours). But you really won’t find another joint clitoral-penetrative sex toy out there like it, so invest in one whilst the sale rack is hot.
Lelo Soraya Wave
$354.99 $239.99 at Ella Paradis (+ an additional 15% off with the code VICE15)
The new kid on the clitoral block is very much the absolute coolest—and a must-have for those who go crazy for cunnilingus. Aer is the first suction-based clitoral stimulator from Dame, a woman-founded (and engineered) sex toy company that has created a truly gender neutral vibe, whose light-as-a-feather user experience is a testament to its name. It’s super easy to clean, has a low rumble, and comes in a swish gray-blue tie dye pouch with a mossy green lining. If you don’t get it for yourself, get it as a gift.
Aer by Dame, $95 at Ella Paradis (+ an additional 15% off with the code VICE15)
Another icon for your rotation that says, “Oh, I read the classics.” Lelo’s "sonic wave stimulation" vibrator was the reigning champ of direct, targeted clitoral worshipping long before new toys like Aer came on the market, and there’s something to be said for its track record: This toy is made of soft silicone, easy to hold, and has a wide stimulation ring that’s also ~quite~ fun for nipple play.
$109.99 $69.99 at Ella Paradis (+ an additional 15% off with the code VICE15)
Lelo Ora 2-Oral Sex
You have the Lelo Soraya Wave, and now you’re curious about its oral sex sidekick. We love that you can switch between external stim from the tongue-like probe or effectively fisting yourself with this knuckle ring stimulator, and there’s still something so élégant about the design. It’s also motion smart, which means the vibration pressure will become more intense the harder you press it.
Lelo Ora 2 - Oral Sex,
$239.99 $159.99 atElla Paradis(+ an additional 15% off with the code VICE15)
Womanizer Duo Stimulator & Vibrator
For those who want what a rabbit vibrator does, but on a gentler and more auto-sentient level. The Womanizer Duo is motion-activated, meaning it only vibes when you press down and has an extra sensitive clitoral suction component. It is also the quietest dual vibrator out there and, yes, we will die on that horny hill. Get it in red, just so you can call it the Lobster.
Womanizer Duo Stimulator & Vibrator,
$209.99 $171.99 at Ella Paradis (+ an additional 15% off with the code VICE15)
Best Toys for Men / Penis-Havers
At first, the marketing for this made us want to slowly roll off a cliff (see: man in suit, holding his sex toy like a tru Bass Pro Business Master Bater), but we’ll settle for a good LOL in the hay because at the end of the day, Satisyer delivers when it comes to quality, quiet vibrators, and their venture into dick sleeves is no exception. Sure, this kind of looks like an air purifier (sorry: Purifyer) but it’s loaded with a bunch of cool features (clean hygiene lock, pressure regulator), and guess what? That Master Bater in the marketing photos? None other than Italian porn star ragazzo Rocco Siffredi, who swears by his white sauce that this is his "best orgasm!”:
$69.99 $39.95 at Ella Paradis (+ an additional 15% off with the code VICE15)
Tenga Flip Hole Black
Though it looks a little like the severed cuff of a robot arm, this is in fact a penis masturbator by Tenga—and a good one at that. This sleeve flips open for easy cleaning, has “Inner shapes [that] provide multiple stimulation types and points” and is intended to look vaguely like an electronic device or speaker so that you can store it discreetly around your house.
Tenga Flip Hole Black,
$119.99 $79.99 at Ella Paradis (+ an additional 15% off with the code VICE15)
Tenga X Keith Haring Egg
The inevitable result of all those posthumous Keith Haring brand collabs. Because you need to be the free-beers-at-the-gallery fuccboi.
Tenga X Keith Haring Egg,
$29.99 $19.49 Ella Paradis (+ an additional 15% off with the code VICE15)
Lelo F1s Developer's Kit
We've written about this crazy-futuristic masturbator before, applauding its super-ergonomic internal shape and performance sensors, which make it feel like getting a mind-blowing beej. This brand is widely known for its high-quality, high-design, Matrix-futuristic sex toys, and this one even has its own theatrical trailer.
Lelo F1s Developer's Kit, $214.99 at Ella Paradis (+ an additional 15% off with the code VICE15)
Best Toys for Whoever/Hittin’ It With Your Boo
VeDo Rechargeable Anal Vibe
Butt toys are for everyone; whether it's a prostate massage, an anal training sesh, or a little added booty stimmy while you're in the midst of other action, a good plug or vibe is a precious thing—and you'll definitely want to get one specifically designed for back there. We love VeDo's rechargeable vibe, which has 10 different pulse rhythms and is big enough so you feel it but gentle enough for beginners.
VeDo Rechargeable Anal Vibe,
$64.99 $42.99 at Ella Paradis (+ an additional 15% off with the code VICE15)
Dame Products Eva II
We’ve said it before, and we’ll say it again: “Not to get classist, but this is definitely not one of the robots Wall-E meets in the landfill. Don’t be intimidated by the enigmatic design of Eva II, which is simply meant to be nestled in the vulva for solo hands-free play, and can also be worn during penetrative sex.”
Dame Products Eva II,
$154.99 $134.99 at Ella Paradis (+ an additional 15% off with the code VICE15)
Sportsheets Under The Bed Restraint System
Feeling like you wanna get tied up, but don't wanna have to learn nautical knots? These restraints are the perfect solution if you and your boo are interested in some light-as-a-feather BDSM. Kinky but casual, you can also tuck them under your mattress so you won't have to explain a damn thing to anyone who happens to wander through your bedroom unexpectedly.
Sportsheets Under The Bed Restraint System,
$89.99 $59.99 at Ella Paradis (+ an additional 15% off with the code VICE15)
We-Vibe Chorus Couples Vibrator
If you and your boo are long distance, or can simply not stand to be in the same room after a trillion months of stay-at-home jazz, go for a couples’ remote-controlled vibrator to shake things up. This one’s even waterproof, so you can motorboat from afar.
We-Vibe Chorus Couples Vibrator,
$189.99 $159.99 at Ella Paradis (+ an additional 15% off with the code VICE15)
Empire Labs Clone-A-Willy Vibe Kit
Exactly what it sounds like, with all the added potential to be a fun DIY project during these quar days, or your next best post-COVID grab-bag gift at the orgy. And like all the things we’re still thinking about from the 1997 Discovery Store, it glows in the dark.
Empire Labs Clone-A-Willy Vibe Kit,
$104.99 $69.99 at Ella Paradis (+ an additional 15% off with the code VICE15)
Liberator Heart Wedge - Merlot
We’ve already done a forensic study of the best sex furniture for turning your living room into a horny playground. Liberator daddy-doms that arena with its wide selection of wedges and rolls, and one of their signature themed slices is on sale for the sake of your lower back, and your love for kitsch Jayne Mansfield-level home decor.
Liberator Heart Wedge - Merlot,
$107.99 $71.99 at Ella Paradis (+ an additional 15% off with the code VICE15)
Intimate Earth Relaxing Serum
If you’ve ever wanted to apply the power of goji berries to your anus—who hasn’t??—this is the serum for you. Real talk, though: this potion relaxes your sphincter instead of just anesthetizing it, and it does so with a certified organic blend of clove, goji berry, aloe, and lemongrass. Yum.
Intimate Earth Relaxing Serum,
$64.99 $24.49 at Ella Paradis (+ an additional 15% off with the code VICE15)
Pjur ORIGINAL Silicone 3.4 oz
A gold-star, best-selling lube that’s also condom-safe should be a staple on your nightstand. Pjur is one of the most trusted brands when it comes time to keep your nethers lubricated longer (and we love that this one is made without preservatives).
Pjur ORIGINAL Silicone 3.4 oz,
$42.99 $28.49 at Ella Paradis (+ an additional 15% off with the code VICE15)
Lifestyles SKYN Elite Ultra Thin 10-Pack
We all miss raw-dogging our faces in public, but that doesn't mean that we should be barebacking it in the bedroom even when we're all vaxxed up. The after-school specials of the 90s are long-gone, but it's still very much a good thing to pull out a condom when you're grinding with a new partner, and lord knows Tinder is going to be POPPING this summer. We love-love-love the Lifestyles SKYN line for its barely-there feeling and total lack of latex smell, which also makes it great for those with allergies. These are the bomb.
Lifestyle Lifestyles SKYN Elite Ultra Thin Pack of 10,
$34.99 $23.49 at Ella Paradis (+ an additional 15% off with the code VICE15)
Your faithful VICE editors independently selected all of the stuff featured in this story. We may receive a small commission if you buy through the links on our site.