Sex toy sales aren't a super rare thing—hell, we've caught two crazy-good ones in the past month alone. But what is rare is to find a sale that has tons of discounts for those of us with a dick, and a wide assortment of toys in which to, well, stick it. You've probably heard the term "fleshlight," or maybe even know that Fleshlight is a popular sex toy brand, but the chances are far less likely that you've taken the plunge on picking one up and trying it out. Well, raunchy rangers, the time to do so is now, because a bunch of Fleshlight products and masturbators are up to 40% off right now over at Lovehoney. We're talking pocket buttholes, blowjob simulators, and even rechargeable prostate massagers, and while we can't say we've tried them all, but we can tell you that Fleshlight has superb ratings (4-5 stars as far as the eye can see) and that we all need to find out for ourselves what floats our boner boats, anyway.
Speaking of boats, that got us thinking about rope knots—and oh yeah, a bunch of bondage stuff is on sale, too, from the basics (restraints, blindfolds, yada yada) to the decidedly unshy (riding crops, remote control butt plugs). We're all going to horny jail this summer, anyway—might as well cum on, feel the noize, and bring some toys.
This Toyota Camry of Fleshlights. As one of the OG masturbators for men and people with penises, the classic vagine design and internal sleeve have been perfected and upheld as one of the jack-off standards; You can expect smooth, easy use and a soft feel with the molded gel insert. “This was my first male masturbater,” writes a reviewer named Terry, “Upon arrival I was so eager I failed to read any directions or suggestions and just opened the sleeve, put [my penis] in the case, lubed up and started. I was shocked at how realistic it felt, and really enjoyed it.” For extra waterpark fun, warm it up in hot water (yup, you can do that).
Fleshlight Pink Lady,
$79.99 $71.99 at Lovehoney
The new bussy in town
If only the Victorians could’ve seen this Bum-on-the-Go. Those kinky fuckers would’ve swooned for its lightness, tightness, ribbed sleeve for extra stroking pleasure—and OFC, that prim, tight little bumhole. “[I’ve] had a few Fleshlights over the years,” writes reviewer Bad B., “The Jolt is a good addition. I like the size and length. Compared to other [masturbators], it feels just as good, but for me [it] takes more effort to orgasm. But when you do, it's intense! Maybe the most. After that, it's relatively quick to clean.”
Fleshlight Go Jolt Realistic Butt Masturbator,
$69.99 $62.99 at Lovehoney
You’re into cryptocurrency
Congratulations! Your ethereum investments doubled today. Ride your Ducati to spank city, and fling that peen into a Fleshlight that looks like Superman’s Fortress of Solitude to celebrate. This crystal-inspired sleeve will do splendidly, with its icy design that reviewers say feels “less daunting than [a male masturbator] with a flesh-toned or pink interior.” A little more work to clean, but worth it for the orgasm.
Fleshlight Flight Pilot Male Masturbator,
$59.99 $53.99 at Lovehoney
The one molded from a porn star’s vagina
Holy Sh33t!balls!! was our reaction upon seeing the inside of this penis masturbator, whose twists, turns, bumps, and loopdedoos look like an obstacle course from American Ninja Warrior. Hats off to porn star Kissa Sins for lending her lovely labia to the creation of this sex toy, and the inspiration of its Indiana Jones canal. “I [also] love the unique personal touch of Kissa Sins' statistics on the box,” writes one reviewer, “and the signature by the moulded opening of the masturbator. A splash of lube and I was ready.”
Fleshlight Kissa Sins Insatiable Texture,
$79.99 $71.99 at Lovehoney
...and another one molded from a porn star’s anus
“Sugar and spice and all things nice–that's what you'll get when you enter Eva Lovia's ass.” Never have we encountered such a Willy Wonka invitation for our penises, but this nine-inch masturbator, with its long and textured canal, does seem like a penis sleeve experience akin to Gene Wilder’s trippy tunnel. (I’m so sorry. This metaphor dies now.) This anus is made of über soft SuperSkin material, has a long and textured canal, and, as one reviewer writes, “I was glad to add spice to my collection because of its unique pattern and design. The butt orifice fleshlights tend to be ones that you need to ‘break in’ to a certain degree and this one is no different [...] it’s more of a nice, and slow sleeve that can tighten at any point you want on your shaft if you just tease and move the entry up and down however deep you go.”
Fleshlight Butt Eva Lovia Spice Texture,
$79.99 $71.99 at Lovehoney
Like getting jerked-off while hang-gliding
The only way to describe the Blowmotion experience is to imagine your penis in a freewheeling erotic hovercraft of some kind. Lube up the chamber, and enjoy the seemingly endless combos that its 21 functions provide; You can thrust between seven motions, pick one of 14 vibrational patterns, and spend (relatively) little of your magic beans on a toy that, as one reviewer says, “gives the look and [quality] feel of being a premium item.”
Blowmotion Pulse Vibration Rechargeable Male Masturbator,
$89.99 $62.99 at Lovehoney
A solid five-incher
Honestly, sometimes you don’t need a ten-inch, endless hallway for a penis that will never meet the end. Sometimes, you need a solid sleeve that brings you exactly where you need to go with a curated selection of features (in this case, three suction patterns and four vibration modes) and an air-release switch that lets you stop suction riiight after you reach climax. (Also: This penis masturbator is one of the biggest price reductions of the lot. Not a bad move, to throw down for a staple.)
Blowmotion Blow Job Rechargeable Real-Feel Suction Male Masturbator,
$109.99 $76.99 at Lovehoney
Let your boo control your prostate orgasm from afar
This long-distance sex toy/Tron-era sex toy for couples/whatever you want to call it is such a choice gateway to the soft kink of getting your partner off from afar. Eight patterns and 12 intensity levels are controlled via the vibrator’s app for slammin’, strokin’, and pleasuring the perineum (oft lauded as the G-spot for people with penises, situated right above the anus and below the balls) from a distance, whether you’re in different countries or just different corners of the bed. And you know what? Why not shove it up your own rear for some self-manipulated fun with your alter-ego?
Desire Luxury App Controlled Rechargeable Prostate Vibrator,
$119.99 $79.99 at Lovehoney
A 10-day S&M advent calendar
No one will say it IRL, but the entire Fifty Shades of Grey sex toy line is… amazing?? The vibrators and clamps and ticklers are all really sturdy, have subtle branding, and give off big dom daddy “sir” energy without making us feel like finance bros. This box is a haul of some of the line’s best toys, including clamps, silver restraints, and a kegel wand; a whip, a butt plug, bullet vibrator, and more, so that you can “share the thrill of opening a mystery door each day with your lover to discover a sensual treat, with items for you, your lover and both of you.” Put like that, it’s also a pretty clever way to have a no-pressure approach to exploring kink with your partner. Y’know, if you both just “happen” to open a tiny door, and watch a penis ring fall out.
Fifty Shades of Grey Pleasure Overload 10 Days of Play Gift Set (10 Piece),
$89.99 $76.49 at Lovehoney
The long-distance butt plug
Fully submersible, this Fifty Shades of Grey butt plug comes with a remote control so you can second-hand motorboat your partner’s rear while, IDK, learning how to use an air fryer. As a reviewer named Brufton says, “The plug is very easy to use; switch it on using the button and then over to the remote which is self explanatory and easy to pick up. Although it's small, it does provide a nice kick once inside. The plug itself sits well and largely stays in position. The vibrations are nice and not too noisy–might even try this out and about!”
Fifty Shades of Grey Relentless Vibrations Remote Control Butt Plug,
$89.99 $76.49 at Lovehoney
This looks sooo MOFOking gratifying for stretching (and sex)
Aside from the whole kinky-starfish-restraint thing, this bondage kit looks like it would do a great job of stretching out our arms and calves. Which all we want, after a long day of typing at a desk in a crunched-up ball, or hustling trays back and forth to people at the restaurant. “The cuff straps extend to four feet, two inches each, while the connecting strap extends to four feet,” so it will work on pretty much any bed. The cuffs are also velcro (easy release, easy use), making this both a choice staple sex toy and a great intro item for bondage and restraint play.
Bondage Boutique Black Bound to Please Under Mattress Restraint,
$44.99 $31.49 at Lovehoney
Because why not own a riding crop?
Maybe you’re using this 17-inch riding crop for pony play with your horny centaur Tinder date. Maybe you’re using it to inch the remote just a liiiiittle bit closer, scratch your back, spank yourself, or have on display in your home’s growing collection of erotic art. Owning a riding crop is like owning a whisk: You can do without it, but do you really want to?
Bondage Boutique Slim Leather Riding Crop,
$19.99 $13.99 at Lovehoney
Find your partner’s Achilles heel
…Then use these leather ankle cuffs to lock it down. The cuffs adjust between eight to 13-ish inches, and are compatible with most other bondage accessories (i.e. hog ties, spreaders). A great stand (or rather, squirm) alone toy, and a solid one to build off of.
Bondage Boutique Advanced Deluxe Leather Ankle Cuffs,
$29.99 $20.99 at Lovehoney
A gift for them (that’s also a gift for you)
It’s rare that a bondage kit hits a neutral note, but this seafoam green, metallic set does a damn good job. The faux-fur lined pieces will look ~classy~ on the nightstand in a Wild at Heart way, and the blindfold will come in handy for our horny power naps. It could def be the pervy cousin of the Brooklinen silk eye mask.
Bondage Boutique Lusty Metallic Beginner's Bondage Kit (2 Piece),
$24.99 $17.49 at Lovehoney
That’s just the beginning of the DEALS DEALS DEALS on these dick swinging, good time toys. Happy shopping, and don’t forget the watermelon lube.
The Rec Room staff independently selected all of the stuff featured in this story. VICE may receive a small commission if you buy through the links on our site.