Tis the season, baby—not just for pumpkin spice lube and awkward conversations about exclusivity, but also about gettin’ SCARYYYYYY! Putting the “Hell” in “hello!” today are these Halloween masks, which are so unhinged—no, really, some of the jaws unhinge—that we’ve completely dissociated our brains from our bodies to bring them to your humble, spooky fall porch.
We already feel like a human clam, so why not dress up like one? What better way to pay homage to Children of the Corn, as transplanted Midwesterners, than to sport a deranged corn face around our local financial district? (You know, just to make the banker bros shake in their lil’ puffers.) Halloween masks are kind of like a hack in and of themselves when it comes to finding more unique costumes, because they’re all you need. No big get-ups, no complicated couples costumes; just you and a few ounces of latex that will make everyone who sees you say, “Nope!” We found the weirdest Halloween masks, the scariest Halloween masks, and, for sure, the most fucked up Halloween masks that might not be traditionally spooky but sure give us the heebs.Buy these masks, take on an alternate persona, and freak out all your loved ones and frenemies, but please don’t wear them around us.
Wow, having to wear a weird mask because there’s a horrible plague sweeping through society? That’s a scary and unrelatable scenario!
The doctor is in
Literally what the hell even is this? It says “Corpse Mask,” but this dude looks alive (just with his face ripped off). It’s absolutely disgusting—we know that much.
Have you seen this man?
Dress up as your friend Kevin, who is “allergic” to gluten and won’t have another glass of wine because he “has a meeting” in the morning.
Cry about it
Wait, how did they get this picture of us when we were at Sweetgreen the other day? We shudder.
Perfect for sitting too close to other people on public transportation.
A mask that will make other people wish they were wearing masks
Horrifying? Appetizing? Weirdly friendly? We're imagining a conference room full of people in suits brainstorming new mask ideas, and things getting deeper and deeper into WTF territory, until eventually, Ice Screamy Scary Adult Mask by Deja Boo emerged. Bonus points if you get this and play ice cream truck music out of a Bluetooth speaker everywhere you go.
We all scream…
Love the video games The Last of Us, The Last of Us: Part II, The Last of Us: Remastered, and The Last of Us: Part I, or HBO’s his TV show The Last of Us? Be a scary clicker from that series. Remember that “kissing” scene in the TV show? Goddamn.
There’s nothing scarier than the end of the world
Back in the late 90s [wheezes, hair turns gray], it felt like the Scream mask was enough to freak people TF out. Now, masks have movable jaws and tear-off faces revealing even more petrifying stuff underneath??? Kids these days…
Too many moving parts, or just enough?
The website says this dude is from The Purge, but looks more like if Larry David smoked way too much weed one night and tapped into the dark side of himself. Either way… scary.
What’s going on with this guy?
Now it's not enough to look like Edgar from Men in Black; nope, now you've gotta have your skin peeling back, your jaw falling off, and a malevolent skeleton bursting out of your face. Great for small children to trick or treat and be answered with this.
Like I was saying…
This mask would like to speak to the manager, AND MAKE IT SNAPPY. Oh, don't you film me!
Karen, the demon next door
A certain VICE staffer lived with a roommate who owned this mask and kept it on display in the living room at all times. She blames that mask, personally, for COVID-19, murder hornets, the death of Pee-wee Herman, and anything else bad that’s happened in the last several years.
I'm gonna puke
SMH, they made a mask of that one ex who keeps liking your old photos.
I always feel like somebody’s watching me
Are you, though, clam face?? If you have a briny personality and a love of sitting at the bottom of the ocean floor with lantern fish, this is the mask for you. You’re gonna labia the way you look, I guarantee it.
You’re an introvert
Something tells us the owner of the Vajankle may be partial to this one.
You’re a big weeny
… Hit the streets as Slenderman. Not only do you already have a pseudo-face mask situation going with this mouth-less get-up, but you look like my worst creepypasta internet nightmare in the flesh. That, or one of the thumb dudes from Spy Kids.
If you’re already lanky…
You know Satan is real—he collects your rent every month. Honor him with your costume this year.
The devil made you do it
Jesus. But also, bravo. This is exactly what it feels like to no longer be able to pound down beer-and-shot combos without consequence, and there is nothing more frightening than an optical illusion, and a reminder that W E A R E O L D.
The spins, personified
Everybody has that one friend who cannot shut up about animal rights and all that. Wear this to their Halloween party (to show your support, obviously).
Show ‘em you’re a real animal lover
It’s about time you got some credit for sweating over the pierogi station this year. Plus, there’s no better side dish to accompany a plate of potatoes than some cigarette ash.
This Halloween, you’re the borscht
If you end up puking in the bathroom at the Halloween house party after too much Fireball and candy corn, you might have trouble finding a friend to hold your hair back.
You’re just a hot mess
Were you left in the vegetable bowl a little too long? Escape the compost bin? Or perhaps you came from the cursed seed of a GMO crop. Dunno about you, but we’re feelin’ like a freak on a leash.
Your maiden name is Monsanto
Feel that? It’s a nice, chilling breeze from Uncanny Valley, brought to everyone at the party by you and your poodle mask. Pair it with a silk robe, and ask for a nice tall glass of milk to creep everyone out. Fuck it, mask on.
This too-realistic poodle face
The Rec Room staff independently selected all of the stuff featured in this story.