Finding the right sex toy is an Excalibur moment that every horny person deserves, whether it’s a classic wand vibrator or 19-inch-long ass snake they seek. The 11th commandment was clear when it whispered, You do you. (Also, let these sex toys for humping and grinding do you.) And, in our ongoing quest to shower you with love/organic lube, we’ve brought you breakdowns of the kinkiest, weirdest, and most Shrek-worthy sexual wellness items.
Now, we’re looking for beauty. We want our dildos to be dripping in 24K gold. We want our anal toys to sparkle as if they’ve been chiseled from a diamond, and our penises to be hugged by a metallic scorpion with a soft spot for our partner’s perineum. That’s why we’ve taken stock of the charisma, uniqueness, and talent of the most beautiful sex toys out there to make sure they tickle our nerves in elite fashion, and meet design standards higher than Mariah Carey’s sea-faring dolphin note for motor function and design quality.
Bust out that Black Amex, and let’s treat your Chattahoochee to a beautiful butt plug, palm vibrator, and set of bondage gear. Remember: It’s not splurging if it’s what you deserve.
This gilded rabbit vibrator
Since its founding in 2002, the Swedish luxury sex toy brand LELO has received hundreds of glowing industry awards for both the range and dippy design caliber of its products, which range from ethereal G-spot and clitoral vibrators to a 24K gold palm vibrator that is definitely on Anish Kapoor’s nighstand. It’s also offering up to 40% off its bounty at the moment, which means you could take home its signature rabbit vibrator, the Soroya Wave, for $65 off. I own this beauty myself, and it's never been benched from my sex toy rotation—the combo of upwards, G-spot-targeting movement from the shaft and targeted clitoral vibrations is next-level.
It came from outer space
We often refer to Unbound Babes as the Euphoria of sexual wellness brands, because its sex toys are at once trendy, glittery, and slated to become mainstays of not only your coolest sex toys, but your coolest objects. The Stellar dildo looks like the preserved teardrop of a giant unicorn, or a tendril from one of those sick deep sea aliens from The Abyss.
This wand vibrator comes with its own leather case
London-based sexual wellness brand Coco de Mer makes the kind of lingerie, sex toys, and erotic wares that have gotten the Goop seal of approval, made cameos in the movie adaptations of Fifty Shades of Grey (which also has a surprisingly amazing sex toy line, BTW), and even have the same name as a Kenny G song. The cherry on top of this serendipitously twinning wand vibrator? The swish leather carrying case.
24K gold ankle cuffs
“Well, well. Tie me up like a holiday turkey and baste me, because those 24K gold ankle cuffs are just the ticket for getting daddy stuffed” is, hypothetically, something your partner could say when you present them with these luxurious ankle cuffs.
This handsome prostate pleaser
Out of all the prostate pleasing sex toys, LELO’s stately Hugo vibrator that the most refined, and bulbous curves for reaching every pleasurable inch of your nethers like a true gent. Cop this legend while it’s $33 off at LELO.
H.R. Giger’s anal beads
We never had an anal probe kink until we met Le Wand’s stunning stainless steel dildo, which doubles as a beaded anal toy on one end, and a bulbous G-spot pleaser on the other—plus, the metallic material makes it compatible with every kind of lube.
The erotic jewelry sex toys of Betony Vernon
No one does elevated sex toy jewery like Betony Vernon, author of The Boudoir Bible and honory Adams Family member. Drizzle the erotic designer’s silver petting ring in Überlube to give your partner the smoothest, most luxurious handjob ever.
A shag bague (that’s French for ring) butt plug ring is the future liberals want.
I wasn’t sure if this was a dildo or bowl…
… That’s what one of my friends said when I texted her this hand-carved dildo by NobEssence, which is hands down the most cottagecore brand name I’ve ever heard. The artisanal sex toys are all sculpted from sustainably sourced HARDwoods, and coated with a waterproof, hypo-allergenic, phthalate-free polymer seal. Pair it with a velvet cape (and nothing else) to be the hottest IRL NPC in the kingdom.
The scorpion king
Is this why they call him Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson? This perineum ring is for a Scorpion King because its tail, when pulled back, sits deep under your crotch “almost like a saddle, with upward tension,” the maker writes. “[It] loves to be moved or to move gently with deep groin movements” to bring you to orgasm.
A disco ball for your G-Spot
Leave it to the San Francisco sex toy brand JimmyJane to bless us with this Studio 54-worthy dildo. The durable borosilicate glass is chiseled to give it that disco ball effect, and makes it perfect for temperature play.
You’re a minimalist
Newcomer Maude is the Apple of the sex toy world. The sexual wellness brand’s minimalist vibrators prove that you don’t always need to be dripping in gold to look chic, and its best-selling, three-speed palm vibrator is perfect for everything from targeted clitoral stimulation to tickling your partner’s nips.
This shimmery butt plug
A technicolor, oil slick anal plug? We’d throw hands at Lisa Frank if we had to, just to cop this limited-edition butt plug.
Vibe on, you crazy diamond.
The Rec Room staff independently selected all of the stuff featured in this story. Want more reviews, recommendations, and red-hot deals? Sign up for our newsletter.