Is Shit Sex Worth Breaking-Up Over?

Sex has ruled the world for centuries. It’s on TV, it’s sung about by Kendrick and Adele alike, it's woven into our clothes, our language, our culture – and everything and everyone tells you that you’re not doing it right unless it’s amazing every time.

Well, we call bullshit, because if we’re being real, sex isn’t always that exciting. A lot of the time sex can be timid, awkward and a bit uncomfortable. Maybe you’re just a bit bored of the routine, maybe one partner is dealing with a medical issue like vaginismus, maybe one of you is too nervous to try something new. 

Really, it only works if you’re both on the same page, otherwise tensions start to simmer. It gets tricky when one of you is regularly trying to get it on and constantly being rejected or vice versa, which can snowball into insecurities around intimacy for everyone involved. 

The answer is pretty simple: Yes, it’s enough of a reason to end things. Any reason is enough, because we all deserve to be happy and fulfilled in our relationships. It's absolutely fine to look at ending things with your partner if something is hurting you or making you unhappy… But communicate first. 

Every relationship requires communication, and how you “exercise at night” deserves as much attention as discussing your hobbies, finances or goals.

What makes it bad? 

This is a pretty important place to start. Is it the actual, physical experience that’s bad? Is it how often you’re having — or not having — it that’s the problem? Is it that your attraction to your partner isn’t there? Sometimes, you just don’t pair well. Sometimes, when the heat fades on a fresh relationship, the sex can feel like a chore. 

Discerning whether the issues in your sex life are more physical or emotional, and if they’re long term or momentary, is the best way to figure out what the next step is. 

How important is sex to you individually? 

Everyone is different. If you and your partner would rather spend your nights laying back, re-watching The X Files for the millionth time than getting sweaty under the sheets then that's amazing. 

If you’re in a relationship where you’re on the exact same page about how much sex you’re having, that’s great, but if you’re unsure as to where you both stand, then just ask. 

If one of you wants to be having sex 3 times a day, and one of you wouldn’t be that bothered if you barely touched for weeks or even months, then maybe you can look at just being friends, or having a different style of  relationship where you don’t only rely on each other to fulfil your sexual needs. 

What do you want more of/less of? 

Sex is like anything else — you can learn new things and you can work on it. Just because you’re not having great sex now doesn’t mean it can’t be great with a bit of work. Get honest with each other about what it is you actually like doing in bed and what isn’t ticking your boxes. 

Try some new stuff out, listen to each other, change your habits, don’t be proud and see if it makes a difference. 

Does the effort feel equal? 

Sometimes, even when the physical sex is good, tension can still arise about who’s instigating it and how often. If one partner is always the person starting the under the cover footsie they might be left feeling embarrassed or undesirable, even if it still always results in sex. 

It’s important to decide if you’re both happy with the balance of sexual advances, so that it doesn’t become one person's job. 

Are your expectations unrealistic? 

Porn has created some horrifyingly unrealistic ideas around sex - from how much sex we should be having to the type of sex itself. Please, keep in mind that not everyone wants to explore more extreme sexual preferences. Some people just want a kiss and a cuddle – and while the label “vanilla” gets thrown around with mostly negative connotations attached to it, there’s nothing wrong with just wanting nice, calm sex. Sex isn’t better because it’s kinky and it isn’t worse because it's tender.  

Is sex a priority?

There are so many reasons to date someone, and sex is only one part of a relationship. At the end of the day, only you can discern if it’s the right choice to end something over bad sex – but don’t forget to consider other important things like whether they support you, if you make each other laugh, and if you share similar values.

So, with that all out of the way, what comes next? 

Being able to communicate is amazing, but it won’t always fix the problem. You might have an open chat, try something new, and feel like it’s still not working, and that’s totally okay. If there are long standing issues that good communication isn’t solving, and if that’s a priority in your relationship, then maybe it’s time to accept that it's time to call it off. 

Just remember – the grass isn’t always greener.

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Rachel Barker is a writer / producer at VICE NZ in Aotearoa.