By 1.30pm UK time, we'll know who's gonna be 'in it to win it' at this year's biggest people-who-pretend-to-be-other-people awards ceremony ON EARTH. What does that mean? It means that this blog post will only be relevant for a few hours, so you should probably read it now.
A gay movie (not about AIDS).
A gay movie (about AIDS).
Whatever the Coen Brothers have made this year.
A film about a wealthy, successful, happily married man who has everything (or does he?).
A Pixar movie with a couple of sad scenes.
An indie film no one has ever heard of or seen, but was named "film of the year" by Time Out.
"This year's Precious."
"This years The Blind Side."
A gritty lad movie that has a complex emotional story at its heart ("I know we're only one year into it, but I don't think it's too soon to say 'Film of the Decade'" - GQ).
Not Martin Scorsese.
A woman ("proving Hollywood is no longer a boys club".)
Someone who just made a movie led by a smug, George Clooney voice-over.
A young director who made a quirky, cliched indie movie about a sharp-tongued American teenager having an existential crisis in the suburbs which seemed fresh and new to Academy voters who refuse to lower themselves to episodes of Scrubs.
If Roman Polanski has made a movie this year, then him. He won't be able to collect it. People will whinge.
Darren Aronofsky (Black Swan).
A musician playing against type in a serious role.
A comedian playing against type in a serious role.
Something that required major weight loss (50 Cent will Tweet angrily if this man wins, before going back to creating memes for black people).
Someone really old who is seriously running out of chances to win an Oscar.
An ex-star who lost his looks to drugs but made a glorious comeback this year by battling his demons on screen.
A handsome actor playing an abusive husband.
William H. Seymour Hoffman Buscemi.
A crappy MOR actor who has been churning out crappy MOR comedies since the early 80s. "Criminally overlooked" by the Academy in the past.
Natalie Portman (Black Swan).
"Manic Pixie Dream Girl".
Meryl Streep/Helen Mirren (depending on whose turn it is to win it this year because they are not dead yet).
A teenager who just made her screen debut playing a character who is wise beyond her years that goes on a life altering journey. Will never be seen in another movie ever again.
A usually beautiful actress who was willing to humiliate herself by playing an ugly person.
A famous actress playing a sassy, 'real-life' southern woman. Went to live with her before playing her. "She's quite a character. If she doesn't like you, she'll tell you about it. Believe me."
An older black woman. In case of a win, cut to Oprah, Halle Berry and Sidney Poitier as they wipe tears from their eyes.
BEST FOREIGN LANGUAGE FILM
A film about a boring foreign issue that no one cares about. Director will use winner's speech to talk about said boring foreign issue and accuse the gathered celebrities of colluding in some kind of grand hypocrisy.
A film showing war with the US from the "enemy's" point of view.
An Eastern European movie where the scenes appear in random order. Only here because Academy voters were afraid people would think they didn't get it.
A serious animation from a country that you didn't even realise was a country.
Something with incest (the sexy French kind. Not the gross Take a Break kind.)
BEST DOCUMENTARY FEATURE
A film about a hot human rights issue (narrated by George Clooney/Brad Pitt).
A film about a hot environmental topic or a species of animal (narrated by Whoopi Goldberg/Morgan Freeman).
Something about The Sudan.
A political documentary made by a man who will use winner's speech to make awkward comments about US politics.
Something about gay, teen suicide.
Film that uses anecdotal evidence to show that America is not the heartless, brainless superpower that everyone thinks it is.
BEST SOUND EDITING, BEST SOUND MIXING, BEST ORIGINAL SCORE, BEST FILM EDITING, BEST COSTUME DESIGN, BEST ORIGINAL SCREENPLAY, BEST ADAPTED SCREENPLAY
Whatever is nominated for best picture.
A disappointing second movie from last year's breakout director.
A terrible, structureless vanity project made by a generally adored actor/screenwriter.
A quirky indie movie that plays with the conventions and limits of whichever genre it is set within. ("Shot for under $1000 and edited entirely on iMovie, will (x movie) redefine the way we make cinema?" The answer to this question has never been "Yes".)
Something that features a lot of shots of things rusting in the desert.
A serious movie set in space.
A film poking fun at the Hollywood studio system.
A political thriller shot in Budapest.
BEST ART DIRECTION
A best picture nominee set in the past.
A best picture nominee set in the future.
A best picture nominee set after the apocalypse.
Movie set in the 50s starring an Oceans 12 cast member.
BEST SUPPORTING ACTRESS
Whoever played the biggest female role in The Social Network.
BEST SUPPORTING ACTOR
Whoever played the biggest male role in Black Swan.
BEST ORIGINAL SONG
Something by Enya.
A song from a movie about a tortured blues/jazz/soul/country singer.
An African/Indian song from a quirky ethnic dramedy.
Something by Randy Newman.
The end credit music from whatever cartoon Disney yawned out this year.
Whatever she dances to at the end of Black Swan.
The second most catchy song from the most serious musical to come out in the last year.
The indie song that served as the soundtrack to an unconventional relationship between a "Dharma" and a "Greg".
BEST ANIMATED FEATURE FILM
Whatever Pixar has made this year.
Whatever movie Dreamworks copied from Pixar this year.
JAMIE LEE CURTIS TAETE