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• My Story
• My Way
• The Whole Truth
• You Only Live Once
• Let Me Tell You
• My Life As The Stig
• The Real MeSometimes you can vary these stock options a bit, depending on your circumstances.For example:My Life So Far
Are you a comedian? Then how about:
My Crazy Life So FarMy Journey
Are you quite old? How about:
Journey Of A LifetimeIf you have a particular speciality, there may be mileage in a few stock puns, too.Footballer – The Score, or Winning At Home.
Referee or umpire – Man In The Middle.
Boxer – Hitting Back.
Captain Ahab – Whale Of A Time.
Etc.ChildhoodWe were all young once. Unfortunately most of us weren't called 'Ryan Giggs', so all the petty details of our boring provincial lives of Lazer Quest and boozeless, same-sex sleepovers have remained unfairly hidden from the world's view.Your life isn't like that, obviously. You're a big-shot now. So every bout of fisticuffs with Oliver behind the woodwork shop and fingering of Olivia behind the bike shed is now vested with significance. It shows the development of your character, innit? Notice, though, that the fallacy of causation only really works if you are famous. If you are not, then it was all just 'stuff that happened'.
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Strict.
Drunk.
Never there.
Taught us the value of hard work.
A miner.Bad
Sat us down for regular 'feelings audit'.
Told me I probably didn't have to join the football team if I really didn't want to.
Diversity Delivery Facilitator for North Eastern Regional Development Agency quango.
On the board of BAE Systems.
Reiki therapist.I am a celebrity who also had a very bad childhood. Should I simply combine my childhood misery-memoir with my celebrity memoir?No. These are two quite separate beasts. The childhood misery memoir should be titled 'Daddy, No', Or 'Daddy, Why Won't Mummy Get Up', or 'Not Tonight, Daddy, I Have A Headache', or 'Daddy, Why Are You Strapping Me To A Barrel Of Gelignite And Then Running Back Behind That Small Cluster Of Buildings In The Near Distance'. That sort of thing. These books should always have a white cover, with the faded face of a sad child protruding enigmatically through the gloom. By contrast, the cover of a celebrity autobiography should always feature the celeb themselves, against a coloured background, with a bold red and white sticker that says: “'Heartwarming, discombobulating, and disarmingly candid' - Stephen Fry”.
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Crack.
Womanising.
Plastic surgery.
Violent porn.
Money.Bad addictions
Ritz crackers.
Popping the blisters on bubble-wrap.
Badminton.
Cryptic crosswords.
Magic FM.DenouementOnce you've been through the dirt-poor childhood in rural Ireland, the starting of your business from the back of a Ford Cortina, the evening you spent in Annabel's with Cassius Clay, the fourth and fifth wives, the triumph of New Labour, the Jonathan Ross incident and the papal conclave, then the whole thing should arrive at some kind of bogus insight to round it out; to make it look as though your life was simply an algorithm that finally summed to the here and now. It all made sense, and now some big computational moment of realisation can square-off all of the 300 pages of turgid bilge that came before it.Witness:
"And it was then that I realised…
• "…that you can't win em all."
• "…that you've got to just keep smiling through the pain."
• "…that history would remember the Iraq War as a triumph even though we didn't find a single WMD."
• "…that there would still be plenty more crap for Amstrad to sell in the future."
• "…that being Michael McIntyre was a blessing as well as a curse." Michael Mcintyre
• "…that black people and white people are the same people."Merry Christmas, autobiographers.
