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"This kind of Gestapo testing bollocks is everything that men hate about women. Remember that we are stupid, unthinking seed-cannons. We like talking about M16s and playing air drums to Toto. Making us jump through hoops of fire like this is cruelty on a par with bear baiting. We ‘like’ you already, and if we don’t, then we at least want to shag you, which is sort of the same."
STUPID REASONS NOT TO HAVE SEX #2: YOU FORGOT TO WAX

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"There are some guys that claim to love their furry Frenchwomen, as if saying that will make them sound more continental and cultured. If that be the case, I’m Nigel Farage. Don’t get me wrong, there is wonder and beauty in an unpruned bush that there are no fit words to evoke. It’s the other stuff. Particularly anything on the face. I know some girls are too proud to admit it, but please, lose the tash. It feels like I’m snogging Magnum PI."
STUPID REASONS NOT TO HAVE SEX #3: YOUR UNDERWEAR ISN'T TINY

"The naffer the undies the better, I say. All that baroque Victoria Secrets stuff is just for girls to talk about with each other. You might think you need to look like Lisa Snowdon at a ‘Stars in their Bras’ shoot but we really don’t give a fuck. I’m very much of the Hugh Grant in Bridget Jones school of man. Bloomers, girdles… so forth. As long as they’re coming off, it’s alright."See?! Pretty Girl Bullshit is rife in our brains now! RESIST IT. And have some clumsy sex without worrying about anything, you probably need it after all that… xoxFollow Bertie on Twitter: @bertiebrandesPreviously: Pretty Girl Bullshit - An Open Letter to Jack TweedCatch up on your Pretty Girl Bullshit here.