GIFs by Daniel Stuckey
I am so very happy to live in a country as great as America. A place where freedom reigns, from sea to shining sea. A place where the First Amendment ensures the open discourse of the press. A place where major headline news written by “real” journalists consists of someone discreetly videotaping the president working out at a gym in a five-star resort in Warsaw. Because it's not like we have anything else to talk about, like the public being robbed of $7 billion during the financial crisis while government officials sat by and watched it happen or, even worse, profited from it. No, there's nothing like that happening in America. This place fucking rules.
Hey, guess what? Sabu, the hacker-turned-government-informant who wishes he was a professional wrestler and who was just released from jail, helped the FBI hack Anonymous Brazil, and Motherboard has double-scoop.
Bowe Bergdahl is freed from the Taliban in exchange for five prisoners at Guantanamo. Conservatives (and some soldiers) think Obama should have left him in Afghanistan because he may have been a deserter.
Also, the video of Bergdahl being returned to American officials posted by the Taliban is so fucking weird it deserves its own GIF. The vibes look like something out of that Woodstock documentary. The whole thing stinks in a way that, to paraphrase the late, great Ernest P. Worrell, makes me all “EWWWW-ewwww… Ewww, ewww, EW!”
Bassem Youssef is an Egyptian cardiac surgeon and satirical genius, who over the past five years became the equivalent of Jon Stewart to a country in the midst of a revolution that was the locust point of the Arab Spring. That sounds great, and it was, except for the fact that he was the first comedian to be honored by the Committee to Protect Journalists (by Jon Stewart, no less). Unfortunately, last week he had to end his show due to growing concern regarding his and his staff's safety because, in the name of truth, they make fun of the terrible pieces of shit who muck up a country that clearly wants some logic added to the overall equation.
Last week, Ann B. Davis, the actress who played Alice on The Brady Bunch, hit her head in a fall and died at the age of 88, reminding the world that every family needs an affable maid with a high quality of life to keep them from veering into dysfunction. And that the majority of Americans cannot afford a maid.
VICE News dipped its toe into the causal outcomes of a nation (the United States of America) that is now dealing with the casual results of young people returning from the longest wars in US history, in the form of a documentary. The documentary's subject, of course, is PTSD, the diabetes of an American public that has gorged itself on war for far too long. Stay tuned for its effects on hate groups in a report by yours truly coming soon to VICE.com.
On the other end of the analytical spectrum of the effects of wanton death and violence, we have Motherboard's documentary on a forensic dentist in Mexico who spends his spare time in a Juarez lab revitalizing and squeezing whatever DNA is left out of the scores of unidentified corpses leftover from narco-related and other forms of violence.
By now you've all seen this rant from a real-life, racist version of Susie Green because it went viral. The woman being videotaped is a horrible piece of garbage from Cheektowaga, NY, who now is probably at risk of having to go through the process documented in the aforementioned Motherboard video once this is all over.
Incumbent Bashar al-Assad wins Syria presidential election with 88.7 percent of the vote. Watch our ongoing documentary series Ground Zero: Syria, and read the issue VICE devoted to the troubled nation way back in 2012 to understand why his majority win makes absolutely no logical sense whatsoever.
The one-year anniversary celebration of the Snowden leak looked about as exciting as a fan-made YouTube spin-off of The Office post-Steve Carell.
Finally, Satan, or an entity with a comparable amount of authority, told terrible racist and lizard-man Donald Sterling to drop his suit against the NBA and sell the LA Clippers to Steve Ballmer.