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​Canadian Mint Employee Accused of Stealing $135,000 in Gold via His Ass

Luxury living.
I don't know if this is gonna fit. Photo via Wikimedia.

For anyone who's thought, Fuck, how can I sneak X out of/into Y without getting caught? (literally everyone who's ever been somewhere with security), the ass is the first and generally only surefire option. What other cavity is so time-tested and readily accessible than the rectum?

That's what (allegedly) went through the mind of 35-year-old Leston Lawrence—a (former) operator at the Royal Canadian Mint in Ottawa charged with theft, money laundering, possession of stolen property, and breach of trust—when he allegedly attempted to run a gold-up-the-booty smuggling ring last year to the tune of about $135,000.


According to the Ottawa Citizen, Lawrence, who had been allegedly stuffing various quantities of gold he'd stolen from the mint up his rectum between November 2014 and March 2015, was arrested late last year after a bank teller tipped off authorities that a man who worked for the mint was attempting to wire thousands of dollars out of the country.

Aside from a mint employee moving way more money than he should have been making, the other gigantic red flag was that he was depositing the money via checks from Ottawa Gold Buyers—a gold-buying shop in the same mall that his bank was located in. (Jesus fucking Christ, Leston! Allegedly, of course.)

The Crown alleges that Lawrence had, on a number of occasions, smuggled "pucks" of gold out of the mint after lodging them inside his anus. These pucks—weighing around 270 grams each, or 7.4 ounces—were worth roughly $5,000 a piece. When authorities executed a search warrant on his home, they found a number of these pucks fit the exact mold of the mint's "dipping spoon"—a metallic rod used to properly form molten gold into a puck that could not be found anywhere else but inside the facility.

Almost every time he tried to leave the facility during this period, Lawrence sounded the metal detectors and was patted down by a security guard—a routine typically reserved only for employees who had metal implants or surgical devices that would give the body scanners a false alarm. He was also scanned with a handheld wand, but the Crown alleges that these failed to catch onto Lawrence's scheme, and that he was able to smuggle out approximately 18 pucks during the five months he was actively stealing.

Now, Leston awaits verdict on whether he is guilty of these crimes of ass treason. When asked by the Citizen what the mint is doing to prevent another ruse like this from happening, the plant told the paper that they had added additional security measures, such as high-definition security cameras and an overall better system for finding ass-deep gold pucks inside their employees.

Follow Jake Kivanc on Twitter. Read: An 11-Year-Old Girl Brought a Knife to School to Ward Off Evil Clowns