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Vice Blog

NEW YORK - I'M FEELING VERY PAGAN THESE DAYS

Today I came into work wearing an upside-down cross necklace and the rest of the office laughed at me. I said, "After spending Passover at a Catskills resort with my family, I think Satanism might be the religion for me!" That’s the kind of old-world zinger they tell in the Catskills. But the real reason is that I have been rereading all my old Anne Rice books from when I was a teenage goth and wow, they are still awesome! The Vampire Lestat is my favorite one because that’s the one where you learn the whole history and even the origin of how vampires came to be! And it was in ancient Egypt! And also there were druids involved and I fucking love druids!

In a nutshell, the Egyptian gods Isis and Osiris were once important human people who helped the Egyptians not be cannibals, and then one day they went to go check out this demon spirit who was angry that it didn’t have form with which to do stuff, and then the barbarians got all scared and stabbed Isis and Osiris for some reason, and they were like, "Nooo! Now the demon will enter us through our stab wounds!" And that’s totally what happened! The demons went into their bloodstream and took over their bodies and now they are immortal and need more blood to keep the demons going or something like that. Oh! And now they call Osiris and Isis "Those Who Must Be Kept" because if they die, then all vampires die! And for like 6,000 years they are kept in an ornate tomb deep under this giant dangerous mountain in the middle of nowhere and they look like statues but it’s just that they’re so fucking old they don’t even have to move anymore! That’s like the coolest thing I ever heard. I wish I had one gross stray boob hair of Anne Rice’s creativity. I haven’t finished reading the book but I think I remember that Isis ends up rising from her throne and talking to Lestat at the end or something awesome like that. Then he buries himself in the Earth and wakes up in 1985 to start a goth band called Satan’s Night Out, which is pretty corny. I plan on finishing the book tonight. Hooray, my exciting life! Oh, can you guys recommend me other cool books to read about druids and ancient Babylonia and shit like that? I can’t read any more quirky short stories about talking bears or any more depressing child-molestation novels.

Anyway! That's why I decided to wear an upside-down cross today. Because of druids and vampires and also there’s a whole chunk of the book with all these vampire cults who worship Satan and have really grisly Sabbat rituals and refer to everything as "Dark," like "the Dark Gift" and the "the Dark Children," etc. I think all that stuff is neat-o and I don’t care if you think I’m a dumb stupid bitch, which you probably do because that’s all anyone ever writes in the comment boards on here. But guess what, Mr. Commentator: You can go fuck yourself! And I say that with the confidence of all that is dark and evil! Satanism offers this sort of total freedom that I find very comforting. "Do what thou will" and all that stuff, or as the Mamas and the Papas sang: "Go where you wanna go! Do what you wanna do! With whoever, you wanna wanna do it with!" Thomas suggests that Fleetwood Mac’s "Go Your Own Way" is also a satanic anthem. It’s just like, do whatever! That kind of freedom is something I dream about when I’m bummed out about Mondays and carpal tunnal. (He also pointed out that both songs are major fixtures of local car-dealership commercials, which I think is a weird coincidence—no wait! A dark coincidence.)

Still, I took a cab to work this morning and I hid the necklace under my shirt because I didn't want to upset the cabbie who had a rosary dangling from his rearview mirror.
AMY KELLNER