Dos & Don'ts

The longer Johnny Cash lies dead the more obvious it becomes the Man in Black rules everything around us. As his last days approached, the country-music industry blew him off and told him he was no longer relevant to the modern world. Then he got together with Rick Rubin and did a four-album deal that turned all our favorite songs into Grammy-Award-winning country classics. Right when you thought the bird couldn’t get flipped any harder, the guy goes and dies before any of his enemies can apologize. Poetry.

It’s hard not to dress like a subhuman wigger when you’re a little kid because everyone not covered in oversize baseball clothes gets called a fag so loud they start believing it. That’s why seeing this Soft Charlie get so stylish so early has such a heavy impact.

Slightly post-pubescent Metal Chick is a tough one to pull off without looking like a dumb slut that got fucked by her dad, but this pre-groupie is so authentic (right down to the Too Fast for Love glove and belt set-up) you can’t really fuck with her (literally).

Sorry you can’t rave anymore because you’re a severe gimp that can barely handle a wheelchair and everyone will laugh at you if you get all dressed up.
“Innn yeh-rr face m-m-m-motherfucker—nngh”
… and we all cheer.

Girls with big huge hip-hop nerd glasses and sexy 80s dresses is the kind of look that appeals to both brains, which is rare because you and your dink never agree.

They may look like mentally ill foster parents everywhere else in the world, but here in New York these outfits make everyone feel like we’re finally home.

This bastion of cleanliness is the whole reason everyone is so bored of tattooed sluts. She is so pure and good that when the Chinese ladies get her laundry they secretly take it to the back room and roll around in it like cats.

Tomboys are good too because it’s a buddy when you’re drinking beers and making controversial jokes and then when she’s just in her Puma socks and in your bed it’s like you pushed a magic button and made a girl appear. (Unless of course this guy is a dude in which case I just bought myself a ticket to Fagtown.)

Israelis are out, but when Jews are really into being Jews it blows all of David Duke’s Jewish-supremacist conspiracy theories out the window because they’re like, “Yeah, so what?”

What is it that’s so great about dressed-up girls on bicycles? They make you feel like you can do anything—like when Elliot was escaping the Feds with E.T. but with more sexual overtones.

The only guy that can be OK with the straight male community and still bang models is this guy. Super-manicured metrosexuals and jewelry-wearing club promoters are left in the dust as he crawls out of bed and asks her to loan him $20.

Hey Nepalese garage sale, are you a college girl’s floor? You look like one of those $5 boxes at an EVERYTHING MUST GO sale if it was a gay loser dwarf instead of just a big box full of crap.

Ever notice how the most vocal, critical, and misogynist guys are the ones that get the least pussy? Guy, we never said we were going to tell you when you can and can’t masturbate. That’s all you.

We’re trying to shake the reputation that Canadians are just slightly lower-quality Americans, but when lazy Franco-ravers like you swing by all happy that it’s perpetually 1996 you make our job next to impossible.

On a scale of 1 to 10, how scary is a Chicago cop dressed up as an incredibly fragile momma’s boy who gets whatever he wants?

Stop tinkling in your pants you guys, this is serious.

What the fuck is going on? Are cops so desperate to shoot us that they now prance around town begging to be fucked with? OK, fine, you win, we’re pointing at you and laughing our heads off. Go ahead and get all

fierce

you Fat Fuck Diva!

Yo checke it out everybowdy! Posh Robbie and Superstar Nikki are here all de way from Yeurope. Do you want to make party wif dem? All riiiiiight! Awe kaye, just let him finish dat organic carrot juice shake so he can shit out de hash he brought and den we can all listen to trance in our bare feet. All right you guys? Come owne! It’s totally ov de fucking chains you niggers!

What? What’s wrong?

Having a foot fetish is low, but making it public is way lower because you’re making it known to the world that you are so deep beneath the sand that you’re basically cold and clammy. Now, having a public foot fetish in O.R. scrubs with a jizz stain on the crotch is so beyond low it’s reached that mythical status where big sisters give their siblings nightmares by pretending you live under the bed. Congratulations, Carl, you are such a fucking pig tiny strangers are crying themselves to sleep.

What the fuck is this asshole trying to tell us? He’s combined “I love women’s asses” with “You do too, and hey, while you’re down there why not stare at my ass? Imagine if I had a beautiful ass? Would you like that? Have a good stare at all the asses.”

So that’s what happens when Miami strippers have kids and get old—nothing. They still dress like drunk “Bratz” and they still make you wake up swearing TO GOD you will never get that wasted again.

It’s OK if you’re beating off and imagining a city of horny sluts with “addicted to fucking” shirts texting you in the hopes that you may be available for a blowjob, but the second you’re done and you’re lying there with splooge on your belly this girl needs to vanish back into the mental Rolodex where she belongs.

If you want to tell the world that pot is God’s gift to man this winter, please be smart about it and keep warm. Instead of an irreverent t-shirt, carefully embroider your message on a Gore-Tex Patagonia pullover that zips up all cozy just like Bubbe wished it would.