Dear Vice,
I've been getting rejected all over the place lately, and with rejection usually comes a rejection letter. Well, actually, I got rejected at the bar last night, and no one delivered me a letter on that one. Anyway all this rejection had sort of got me down, until I got this rejection letter. It just makes me feel so good since I didn't get rejected for being me. I got rejected for being everything that "Fernando" is not. Most specifically, I am not clan of the Jaguar. Bit of background: I went to meet these two enormous lesbians—they were physically enormous, but also enormous in their lesbianness—about the possibility of staying in their house for free while they went north to a cottage. This would require caring for their sick cat named Max (he has heart disease) and their incontinent dog. The dog urinated 8 times in the 20 minutes I was there. FYI, the "closeted" comments refer to my current living situation (in a closet) and not that I am a 29-year-old closeted lesbian. Also, for the record, I do not empathize with their decision, and I do not forgive them. I've included the text of the letter below in case you can't read the screengrab:Hi,Janis and I were so happy to meet you. Thank you for responding to our ad and for coming to the house for our "character interrogation". We contacted your references and they were great! So were you! I am sorry to disappoint you but we ended up going with someone else. You didn't bomb the interview - we just found someone who could do some medical and holistic care for Max. Actually, he is more than qualified. Let me explain…Janis and I interviewed a few more people on Saturday (of which, one turned out to be a nutbar and a character for great writing material).Before I wax on - let me say, that you were also a fantastic fit. We felt that we could trust you with our home and with our complicated pill and supplement routine for Max. We hope that you find a way out of the closet. One day you can write about your writing life as a closeted writer in Toronto!So let me elaborate - We ended up going with this guy Fernando who is an actor and is also a trained paramedic. He is Mayan, an Indigenous Healer, counseller and reiki practitioner. His clan is also the Jaguar. He played the High Priest in Mel Gibson's film *Apocalypto*
and is building a healing treatment centre in Vera Cruz. He has had many cats and is currently looking after four cats for another couple.We decided to go with him because he is also going to do Reiki treatments on Max and offered to do some handywork around the house. I guess I am telling you this because you can empathize with our decision.I am sorry to be the bearer of bad news.Please forgive us.
I've been getting rejected all over the place lately, and with rejection usually comes a rejection letter. Well, actually, I got rejected at the bar last night, and no one delivered me a letter on that one. Anyway all this rejection had sort of got me down, until I got this rejection letter. It just makes me feel so good since I didn't get rejected for being me. I got rejected for being everything that "Fernando" is not. Most specifically, I am not clan of the Jaguar. Bit of background: I went to meet these two enormous lesbians—they were physically enormous, but also enormous in their lesbianness—about the possibility of staying in their house for free while they went north to a cottage. This would require caring for their sick cat named Max (he has heart disease) and their incontinent dog. The dog urinated 8 times in the 20 minutes I was there. FYI, the "closeted" comments refer to my current living situation (in a closet) and not that I am a 29-year-old closeted lesbian. Also, for the record, I do not empathize with their decision, and I do not forgive them. I've included the text of the letter below in case you can't read the screengrab:
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and is building a healing treatment centre in Vera Cruz. He has had many cats and is currently looking after four cats for another couple.We decided to go with him because he is also going to do Reiki treatments on Max and offered to do some handywork around the house. I guess I am telling you this because you can empathize with our decision.I am sorry to be the bearer of bad news.Please forgive us.