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Vice Blog

AUSTIN - COMPLETELY IGNORING BANDS (PART ONE)

March 20, 2009, 9:03pm


The plan was to leave for Austin from Kansas City at noon after stopping at a Chili's for some Tex-Mex takeout the other day, but Megan (who's photographing this journey) had loaded her mini-van down with so many road snacks (homemade gooey butter bars, Skittles, Krispy Kreme donuts, Doritos and a ten-pound bag of trail mix) that one of the tires blew out before we even got on the highway. We went to Costco and got the thing repaired and waited in the parking lot for three hours. We had one of our best LP (Lesbian Processing) sessions ever and were left with absolutely NOTHING to talk about on our 12 hour drive to Austin. I popped two Tylenol PM and spent the entire trip asleep, dreaming about meeting Lady GaGa and sucking her dick. (Speaking of which, if doing so would get her arrested because you are not old enough to be doing such things, you need to go away now.)

We got into Austin around 2 in the morning and met up with my girls, Alexis and Hunx, who were at some punk show where every guy looked like and extra from a Rockabilly version of Slackers!

Alexis was completely wasted, creating a scene and trying to explain everything that had happened to him in the past three hours. Here's what I remember:

1. Some guy on the bus told him he had a run in his pantyhose, even though he wasn't wearing pantyhose (but he was actually wearing panty hose?!?!).
2. He jerked off on some guy's coat in the liquor store parking lot across from the venue where his boyfriend was playing.
3. He meet some chick who could stick a condom through her nose and pull it out her mouth while talking on the phone to her boyfriend about fisting.

I'll admit it, I was jealous. I'd been stuck in a van the entire time all this was going down and now everyone was exhausted, wasted, and ready to crash.

We went back to Coomers of Harlem's house and ate the rest of the gooey butter bars Megan had made. This gave everyone a jolt of energy and we were all desperate to find the nearest gay bar and release our cares and fears into the cold, dark night.

Alexis was convinced there was some gay bar called the Oil Rag and it sounded promising. Unfortunately by this time it was 4 in the morning and the entire city of Austin had shut down. I curled up on a dirty mattress in the corner and fell asleep. Thirty minutes later that band, Girls showed up and took all my blankets. I guess they were pissed we were all crashing there and not them. I told the one dude from Girls who looks like Macaulay Culkin that he could sleep with me, but only if he would hold me in his arms and whisper sweet nothings in my ear like, "You are so cool and skinny." But he was too aloof and jaded, which would make sense because he supposedly grew up in the same cult that River Phoenix did.

CODY CRITCHELOE

(photos by Megan Mantia)