Imagine you're a girl who recently split up with your boyfriend. You are sad. Poor you. Someone suggests you check out some comedy to cheer you up. Sounds like a good enough idea. The comedians are funny, sort of, but mostly they look like hobbits or Ray Romano. or Ray Romano as a hobbit. Then Phil Hanley comes onstage. He's a vision in a dapper cardigan. Not only is he the most handsome man you've ever seen, but he's also funny. Of course you really want to do him. So you invite him over to your apartment under the pretense that you just want to "interview him." He agrees! How exciting! You insist on doing the "interview" in your office, which also happens to be your bedroom. He has nowhere to sit but on your bed. He stares at the pictures and other personal items around your room. Then he sees your vision board, the one above your desk. Oh no! That's embarrassing. There's a note on it that reads "We can only do what we're ready," which you forgot to finish, because you were stoned when you wrote it. Vice: No, no don't read that. It's my stoner thoughts. Phil: We should really just do this in your living room.OK, sorry, read whatever you want. Just don't read the questions on the computer screen.
It's a little uncomfortable not being able to freely look around. If you don't want me to see the questions you should just turn your computer a little bit. It would be more polite than telling me not to look. (Looks at book on bedside table) "Lessons in Love?"Don't ask the questions. Let me ask the questions. Do you realize that women only come to see your act so they can fantasize about doing naughty things to you?That's ridiculous.How do you think the men in the audience feel when they see your act? They must feel threatened since all the women are clearly getting creamy on you.No one thinks that. Girls don't think that.You're obviously not a girl, how would you know?Most of the girls that come to comedy clubs are on dates. And the girls are with guys that look like they're in the UFC, all muscly with skulls bedazzled on their t-shirts. I don't look like that so that's not what they're thinking.You don't swear at all in your act. That's a sign of a true gentleman. What do you think of the word cunt?Generally comics use it when they're trying to be shocking. I assume it's the same with journalists.Apparently cunt is the worst word ever. Should women reclaim it as their own?I think you just did.I heard it on good authority that you have a thing for Lisa Bonet. Imagine you got to take her to one of those Japanese sex-themed hotels, tell me, in as much detail as possible, what you would do to her.You're joking! How can I answer that? I'm in your room and the heat is on. Can I move this? (Points to space heater at feet). This is ridiculous. You're stoned–I'm not stoned.Can we open a window? Your room's hot and it smells like a grow opt.OK next question. It's weird with roommates sometimes. When you hear them having sex, you're kind of grossed out but kind of turned on at the same time. Especially late at night. You live with your parents right?Yeah, you should come by sometime and drop a C-bomb.I'd be honoured. In my research I discovered you were once a model in Europe. Do models generally do each other?That does occur.Some people say I could pass for a model, but I'm too short.OK.Ever do a fan? Wait, do you have fans? How often do you get fan emails? Once a week? Every day?I've gotten two.So would you do a fan?I might as well while I'm here.Does that mean my dreams are going to come true now?Don't ask me. Ask your vision board.ELIANNA LEV
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