In 2008, interventions have become hipper than ever. And why not? The 80s had the tupperware party. The 90s had the sex toy party. Our generation needs something that brings people together in a suburban home over a plate of nibbles. What better way to celebrate the culture of victimhood that characterises post-millennial society than by turning interventions into social institutions?Sure. But how do I go about hosting one?
First off, you need some kind of a topic around which to intervene. Traditionally, booze and drugs take the top-two slots. Boooring. It's important to realise that any intervention is actually as big as your imagination.Possible Reasons:
We need to talk about you leaving the top off the toothpaste.
We need to talk about your poor clitoral stimulation technique.
We need to talk about your obsession with getting an intervention.Then send out some invites, get everyone to crouch in the dark beneath a banner spelling out the purpose of the thing in Comic Sans, and… SURPRISE!Now what about the talking bit?
Tricky. But try and empathise with your subject. Realise that the best way to deliver these sorts of home truths is to sugar the pill – offer some kind of compliment upfront to boost their self-esteem, then slam them with a left-hook of reality.For example:
I think you've got amazing taste in soft furnishings BUT you've got to stop smoking crack.
You're really good at Mario Kart BUT please stop fucking your sister.
You've got handsome genitals BUT the people on the 73 bus haven't asked to see them.At this point, someone should get up and make a speech, spelling out the point of the evening. It should be a lot like a best man's speech at a wedding, where you tell a few dirty/embarrassing anecdotes:Like:
Remember that time he was too drunk to move?
Remember that time there was no mayonnaise left in the house so he ate a tube of wood glue?
Remember when all those children went missing in our neighbourhood?Tell them that you read about their problem on the internet and apparently it's a genuine syndrome that strikes down millions, and if they don't believe you, then believe the internet.Audience participation
This is the bit where it all takes on shades of This Is Your Life:"Do you remember that boy you beat to a pulp at age 13? Well here he is…"
"Do you remember when you borrowed ¬£300 off of some Lebanese gangsters to finance your drug habit and then did a runner? Well here they are…"
"Do you remember when you wet yourself in front of your entire primary school music class? Well here they are…"etc etc etc.This should all be followed by a photomontage of the lucky victim in happier times, beaming back idealistically from a stream of childhood photos, accompanied by Robbie Williams' 'Angels'.Then, the subject is bundled off into a waiting car and drugged and coerced into the nearest rehab clinic. At this point, guests should throw confetti.To make things go off with a bit of pizzazz:
Have a funky dress-up theme like "Office Christmas Party," or "Pimps & Hos," or "Dress Up Like Your Dad."
To ensure people actually arrive, make sure everyone has a secondary reason to be there. Like a meat raffle.
Try theming the nibbles around the problem.
If anorexia, Twiglets.
If bulimia, carrots.
If cocaine, sherbert.
If sex addiction, cocktail sausages.Judging the success of an intervention.Success can be measured primarily in terms of two outcomes:1. Victim ceases behaviour.
2. Loads of pictures of people looking twatted appear on Facebook.GAVIN HAYNES
First off, you need some kind of a topic around which to intervene. Traditionally, booze and drugs take the top-two slots. Boooring. It's important to realise that any intervention is actually as big as your imagination.
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We need to talk about you leaving the top off the toothpaste.
We need to talk about your poor clitoral stimulation technique.
We need to talk about your obsession with getting an intervention.Then send out some invites, get everyone to crouch in the dark beneath a banner spelling out the purpose of the thing in Comic Sans, and… SURPRISE!Now what about the talking bit?
Tricky. But try and empathise with your subject. Realise that the best way to deliver these sorts of home truths is to sugar the pill – offer some kind of compliment upfront to boost their self-esteem, then slam them with a left-hook of reality.For example:
I think you've got amazing taste in soft furnishings BUT you've got to stop smoking crack.
You're really good at Mario Kart BUT please stop fucking your sister.
You've got handsome genitals BUT the people on the 73 bus haven't asked to see them.At this point, someone should get up and make a speech, spelling out the point of the evening. It should be a lot like a best man's speech at a wedding, where you tell a few dirty/embarrassing anecdotes:Like:
Remember that time he was too drunk to move?
Remember that time there was no mayonnaise left in the house so he ate a tube of wood glue?
Remember when all those children went missing in our neighbourhood?Tell them that you read about their problem on the internet and apparently it's a genuine syndrome that strikes down millions, and if they don't believe you, then believe the internet.
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This is the bit where it all takes on shades of This Is Your Life:"Do you remember that boy you beat to a pulp at age 13? Well here he is…"
"Do you remember when you borrowed ¬£300 off of some Lebanese gangsters to finance your drug habit and then did a runner? Well here they are…"
"Do you remember when you wet yourself in front of your entire primary school music class? Well here they are…"etc etc etc.This should all be followed by a photomontage of the lucky victim in happier times, beaming back idealistically from a stream of childhood photos, accompanied by Robbie Williams' 'Angels'.Then, the subject is bundled off into a waiting car and drugged and coerced into the nearest rehab clinic. At this point, guests should throw confetti.To make things go off with a bit of pizzazz:
Have a funky dress-up theme like "Office Christmas Party," or "Pimps & Hos," or "Dress Up Like Your Dad."
To ensure people actually arrive, make sure everyone has a secondary reason to be there. Like a meat raffle.
Try theming the nibbles around the problem.
If anorexia, Twiglets.
If bulimia, carrots.
If cocaine, sherbert.
If sex addiction, cocktail sausages.Judging the success of an intervention.Success can be measured primarily in terms of two outcomes:1. Victim ceases behaviour.
2. Loads of pictures of people looking twatted appear on Facebook.GAVIN HAYNES