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Vice Blog

MELBOURNE - WINTER HORRORSCOPES BY JOHN SHARKEY

It's been four months since staff writer John Sharkey (pictured above) has gone home to Philadelphia, and we miss his harsh opinions and biting inter-office commentary. You may remember Sharkey from such blog posts as anything that made you laugh and feel bad at the same time, or the interview he did with the writer of Robocop, Edward Neumeier. To cheer us all up, he sent us a special winter '09 edition of Sharkey's Horrorscopes.

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Aries: In lieu of responsibility, this winter you will instead try something exciting and new by joining everyone's favorite mid-life crisis group of assholes, The Polar Bear Club. After realizing it never gets colder than 5 degrees Celsius in Australia, you end up stuck having to hang around with other jerk-offs in Speedos with nowhere to go and no life.

Taurus: With Orion on your side in the upcoming winter months, you will try to bring joy to those who annoy us during the summer by dragging music festival season into the winter and throwing one yourself! You will even think up a stupid name for it like "Snoliday Sounds" or "Teenage Winter Wasteland". When no one shows up because you have no friends you will be right back where you started; a horny, pathetic MGMT fan.

Gemini: What can I say? This winter you're just going to really get into heroin. Your life is going to just suck. You're probably going to die. Peace.

Cancer: On one very sleepy and cozy night you and your partner will drive to Big W and purchase Rachel Getting Married as soon as it comes out on DVD to watch over a hot cup of cocoa while sharing the warmth of each other's arms. I will then drive to your house and explain to you that you are awful people and your lives are not worth living.

Leo:  Adventure is your game of choice during this snowy group of shitty days! You and your terrible friend who used to be a pro snowboarder will decide to fly to Colorado or Canada to spend of few weeks "chillaxing" with babes and boards. Your plane will crash somewhere in the Rocky Mountains and you will have to survive of the piddly meat your faggy snowboarder friend has to offer festering on his coked-up bones.

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Virgo:  Hey, you fat fuck. Guess what? You get to have sex now--it's winter! Chicks seriously just give the fuck up and let the fat, cuddly Belle and Sebastian fans who work at coffee shops get a leg up for a few months. Don't worry, when it gets warmer she'll leave your floppy sag bags for someone who actually cares what they eat and look like when they leave the house.

Libra:  Given your habit of being a totally inappropriate waste, you will use the euphemism "go skiing nose first" as a reference to doing cocaine with your friends the night before. Then you will be diagnosed with cancer about five or six days later and I will become happier.

Scorpio: People like you. You are incredibly charming and handsome. You get laid constantly and never have to pay for drinks because you have an enormous penis and a voracious sexual appetite. Even with the hindrance of winter's cold, shrinkage is NO problem for you! Socially and financially you are several tiers superior to those around you at all times. Being a Scorpio is incredible, isn't it? Sagittarius: You will get trampled to death by several hundred Carlton Blues fans because you are scum and support Collingwood or Essendon. It must be terrible to have piss instead blood pumping through your veins.

Capricorn: You watched Rent not too long ago and you are an idiot. Sometime in July you think it will be a good idea to reenact the scene where the two theatre dorks burn all their abhorrent screen plays in a barrel that's in their sitting room. Your house won't be completely destroyed but you and your loser flatmates will be severely disfigured along with you sneaker collection.

Aquarius: Remember the last horrorscopes? Yeah, I still got nothing for you….blow me. Pisces: It's getting chilly so what better way to make a boring season even more boring than you by starting a knitting circle! Gather three to six of your most neurotic vegan spinster friends for some saggy, haggard fun! With all the daddy issues in the room at one time my master plan might fall into place! As the lot of you pours your hearts out to each other, your knitting circle may just turn into a suicide cult. One can only dream.

LOUIS