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Vice Blog

BERLIN - A PORN STAR IN WESEL ISN'T REALLY INTO IT

Wesel is about as jerkwater as it gets. It's not only one of the most boring towns in Germany, it also doesn't seem to ever produce any news that is NOT related to sex. It seems like the people there care so little about anything that they don't even give a damn about an ex-porn star becoming up for election "against her will…"

The whole thing started off pretty unspectacularly when Mr. and Mrs. Baumberger (aka the Busters, one half of which is Dolly Buster, Germany's most famous porn star who spread her legs for hundreds and hundreds of European adult movies and her husband) signed a little form without actually being aware of what they were signing.

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Now this fine lady is about to start a political career, but she's not even really into it (even though she tried to get into politics before, when she ran for the European Parliament on behalf of some Czech party. However with only 0.72 percent of votes, her dream popped just like that in 2004). Either way, there's no way she's going to get out of this sticky situation as easily this time. Thing is, the people of Wesel just don't really seem to care. So we decided to pull that finger out of our butt and rub it into the smouldering wound of half-heartedness, of the lethargic political landscape in that small town of big boobs.

Our original plan was to ask ALL local branches of the major parties in Wesel for their opinion, but apparently most of the representatives are currently on summer break, or just don't care. Summer slump at its best.

Vice: Hi, what do you think of the fact that Dolly Buster, aka Nora Baumberger, is stealing your voters?
Frau Neuhaus (CDU): Oh yeah, it was definitely THE gossip in the bakery this morning. Pretty funny joke.

No, this is not a joke. Seriously. Your party is running against her now.
Oh really. Well, what can I say? I don't really know what to say right now.

Aren't you going to adjust your program, your candidates, your anything now? She's pretty famous, after all.
I guess so, but I don't know what say about this. Maybe call Mr. Stollmann tomorrow, maybe he has given it some thought already. As for my part I don't know what to do about this, but I guess something should be done about it.

So the Christian Democratic Union doesn't give a fuck that they're being fucked by a woman whose success is based exactly on her prominent skills in this area. Our next shot was the other side of the political spectrum, so we called up a party that we thought was a sure bet for some unnerving rambling: the left wing party. 

VICE: Hello, do you care that Dolly Buster has to run for city council?
Mrs. Dzur: Not really. But she's very famous, which could kind of impact the election results, which in turn should definitely be of concern especially for a small party like yours.
Yeah, she's pretty famous, huh? That could impact the results. That's exactly what I just said. Don't you want to do anything about this?
No, I don't think so. We always do the same thing when the elections are on: booths, big sunshades, and flyers. So you think your political contents are enough to beat all the stuff that's going through the media about this scandal?
Yeah, political contents, exactly! That's it. OK, good luck then. Because none of the political contestants seemed to care whether this whole thing is all legal and stuff, who they are and what they stand for and why someone calls them up out of the blue to molest them with meaningless questions or why they should really be chased out of that town for their phlegm, we thought it'd be a good idea to get in touch with the true base of Dolly: her future voters. So we called up the local sex shop in Wesel. VICE: Hi, what do you think of Dolly Buster's candidature for the city council?
Sex shop guy: Um, Dolly Buster is running for it? Yeah, it was some kind of mistake and now she HAS to run for it, whether she likes it or not.
That's news to me. But she's definitely pretty popular around Wesel. That is, in your store or on the street?
Both. Her husband is actually even a little bit more famous, but they're both very down-to-earth. She's even been to our store before, but I wasn't here that day. Her company definitely makes her very present in town and you can always run into her on the street. Do her films still make lots of money for you?
I'd say it's average, but the customers like her a lot on a personal level. But you also have to keep in mind that she's done her last movie like ten years ago. At least we have a fine selection of her movies in our store. So would you vote for her?
If I was allowed to vote, definitely, but I live in another county, so unfortunately I can't vote for this one. Are there any customers around that you could ask like right now if they'd vote for Dolly?
Yeah, we have two regulars here right now, but I know they're not from this county either and they're kind of busy right now, too. But I think it's safe to say yes, even without asking. All right then. Seems like in Wesel even politicians don't give a fuck about politics and apparently the sad truth is that unlike her opponents, Dolly is the only one who at least has a keen sense for the pressing political issues of today.

FELIX NICKLAS