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MEET THE NIERATKOS - JANINE AND BRUCE

While I was out in LA working I got this email from my wife:

You remember Janine from Lonnie's H.o.G. gatherings? Of course you do. Well, I haven't seen Janine in a while and Tuesday at Lonnie's Ice Cream Social she came over to me and asked me in her high-pitched voice, "Are you carrying a baby?" I said, "Yes, I am." She said, "You didn't look like you were carrying a baby at the Christmas party."…

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My mom joked, "Nah, she just gained some weight." Janine shrieked and laughed loudly at the joke. She asked what I was having. I told her the baby is a boy. "When is your due date?" she asked. "September 5th," I said. "Oh!!!! Just after Labor Day!" She yelled. "Four days after my birthday." I said. "What's his name?" She asked. "Chris." I said. "But my husband wanted to name him Merry Christmas." "WHAT?" She screamed. "MERRY CHRISTMAS IS NO NAME FOR A BABY! YOU NEED TO HIT YOUR HUSBAND OVER THE HEAD WITH A FRYING PAN!!!!! MERRY CHRISTMAS IS NO NAME FOR A BABY!" She continued to remind me of this for the rest of the night. See. I told you. Merry Christmas is no name for a baby.

LA was productive. I'll get into it next week. But it was the first time in a while that I'd been out there without my wife. People were asking what it is, exactly, that I do back in New Jersey. I showed them my wife's email and said, "I normally go to ice cream socials for retarded people. And I'm missing it right now because I'm stuck hanging out with yous assholes."

Last night we went and saw Bruce Springsteen and the E Street Band at whatever stupid sponsor's name is attached to the Meadowlands these days. I can't keep up. It was Continental Arenas. Now it's Izod, I believe. Who the hell even wears Izods anymore? The whoring out of our stadiums is becoming quite annoying to me. Stadiums no longer have cool names like The Boston Garden or The Spectrum. Now they're named after credit cards and polo shirts until that sponsor's money runs out and they switch the name yet again. So impersonal. The day Madison Square Garden is renamed The Home Depot Garden or Wells Fargo Center is the eve of the day they'll find my body floating under the Edison Bridge.

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Anyway, the show was great. There were kids everywhere. It was my unborn kid's first Springsteen show, I told Vinny, the security guard who happened to end up on the far right of this photo of me, my pregnant wife, and sister. He told me we should name the baby Vinny, after him. I told him I'd add it to the list of suggestions.

Midway through the show he came over, tapped me on the shoulder and said, in one helluva strong Sopranos accent, "AYE! Here's a little sumtin for your kid, to remember me by." It was the set list from the night's show. I thought it was the kindest gesture any security guard had ever done for me on any Thursday night ever. I had him sign it, Uncle Vinny.

I would like to note that gay magazine

Out

has recognized my good friend David Carnie (also a former

Big Brother

editor) as the creator of the word "bromance." They interviewed him yesterday. I'm quite proud of him. I told him, "Now I can tell people, 'Some of my best friends are gay icons.'"

CHRIS NIERATKO