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DEAR VICE - JURY DUTY

Hey Vice,

I wore this to jury duty and successfully got out of serving. The pumps are a men's size 9. It wasn't too comfortable.
MAYILU DIAZ
Via email

Vice sez: What we like about the getup is that it's nice and subtle. It just sort of nudges you in the shoulder and says, "Maybe this wouldn't be the best person to decide someone else's life?" The Simpsons convinced everyone that you have to be a nigger-screaming Grand Wizard to get out of serving on a jury but really it's the easiest thing in the world. All you do is act a little hesitant when they ask you "Are you 100% sure you can be completely, completely, completely objective in your judgment?" and that's it. You're done. OR if they've told you what the case is about, just say, "My uncle was arrested for that a couple years ago, is that a problem?"

Nobody wants someone who's pissed off at having to sit in a box for six hours listening to other people's screw-ups on their jury. That's why they're almost entirely composed of 65+ Hispanic ladies and civics freaks.

Besides, there is no bigger bummer than having to sit quietly amid a bunch of earnest 65+ Hispanic ladies and civics freaks while someone close to your age obviously beclowns themselves. The last time we got called, there was this 20-something Williamsburg type in our group who went off on a rant about how she hates Jews, where every sentence sounded like a question and was followed by a long, please-cut-me-off "Uh" like, "Uhhhhhh, and I think they secretly control the government? And uhhhhhhh… they want to unite us with Mexico, right?" Painful. Anyways, good work passing the buck on your civic duty.