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KHALID SHEIKH MOHAMMED HAS A NICER PAD THAN ME

The Obama administration announced last week their plan to try terrorist events-planner Khalid Sheikh Mohammed and his buddies in a federal Manhattan court. Furious Republicans and their bad arguments are not what concern me. What bothers me is that...

The Obama administration announced last week their plan to try terrorist events-planner Khalid Sheikh Mohammed and his buddies in a federal Manhattan court. They argue that giving these giving these terrorists a trial in a US civilian court will illustrate the triumph of the American justice system. Republicans, of course,

are furious

. According to Giuliani, this move "grants the requests of terrorists." Dude, give it up on the 9/11 mongering already. This

terrible argument

is not what concerns me though. What bothers me is that these men will be living in Manhattan during their trial, and I won't be. You see, I'm a pretty good guy. I open doors for people, I help women carry strollers up the subway steps, and I always lift the toilet seat up before I pee. I was arrested once, but only because they thought I was someone else. In short, I'm definitely not a terrorist. And yet, I'm stuck living in Brooklyn and commuting to NYU every day for school. I know you're wondering why a rich-kid hipster like me can't afford Manhattan, and I'll tell you why: my multi-million dollar trust fund doesn't kick in until I turn 25, and right now living in Brooklyn allows me to spend more money on Sparks and records from Ed Banger. Anyways, my bedroom is barely big enough to fit my twin bed. Every morning I have to walk twelve blocks to the L train, and then walk another ten blocks from the L to campus. I have to leave 45 minutes before class if I want to grab a bagel and coffee and still make it to school on time. Meanwhile, Khalid Sheikh Mohammed gets to live in Manhattan during his trial. For free. Dude organized the biggest terrorist attack since Pearl Harbor, and for his actions he is punished with a bedroom in the most expensive real estate in the nation. It doesn't take a political scientist to tell you that this sends the mixed message that terrorists get to live in a better neighborhood than most normal citizens. Obviously I am not suggesting that the federal government pay for me to live in Manhattan, although that would be awesome. Instead, I firmly advocate a much more practical solution. These terrorists must be housed somewhere in Brooklyn and required to commute into the city for their trial. What's more, I believe that part of their journey should involve riding the G train. It is only then that justice will truly be served.