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Vice Blog

IN OR OUTMATES - A PRISON FASHION UPDATE

I've never been much of a law-breaker. My only brush with crime was back in high school when I tried to steal a singlet from a shop in Chinatown. Basically I was spotted, shat myself and ran, leaving the top and my favorite jacket behind. Lucky I didn't get caught and thrown in jail. Jail clothes suck.

My friend, a prison officer from one of Victoria's Maximum Security Prisons told me the uniform there is green track pants, a green jumper, and a white t-shirt. So if you unsuccessfully robbed a bank, or killed an ex-boyfriend, green and white would be your color choices, minus the choice. But at least it sounds comfy.

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But what if I was to point a gun at my boyfriend's head in America? Inspired by latter-day Buford Justice disciple Sheriff Joe Arpaio, county jails in Texas and Arizona increasingly resemble a little girl's birthday party, catered by a fairy floss machine. They are pink inside and out. Inmates have to wear pink jumpsuits, pink handcuffs, sleep under pink sheets, and are surrounded at all times of the day by pink walls and cute widdle pink bars. And if that wasn't enough, even their undies are pink! Sheriffs claim that the color has a calming effect on the prisoners, but we can't help thinking there's a wee bit of creepy psychological fag-bashing being smuggled in all that soothing. It's also an infantilist's wettest dream.

Too bad our Nicole got stuck in The Bangkok Hilton, as pink might be more flattering on her complexion than the blue cotton garb she would have had to wear. Thai prisoners wear blue for girls and brown for boys. Less harsh than Arizona's weirdo Superjail experiments, but gender-bendery all the same.

Chinese guys look quite sweet in pale blue shirts with traditional stripes above the breast pocket and across their shoulders.

South Africans get to chill out in a leisurely orange twin set with kitschy all-over 60s suns print. Small wonder their sexual-assault and murder rates are soaring.

As for tackiest uniform, we're gonna go with mother England. High-escape-risk convicts over there get zipped up in these "do not fuck with me" green and hi-viz yellow boiler suits. Sure they look great, but how is anyone supposed to get rehabilitated when they're dressed like some kind of indestructable super villain?

On the other hand, if I were to ever bungle a crime, I would do so in Arizona. A never ending pink sleepover is the way I'd want to spend my prison sentence. Congratulations Arizona, you are most definitely in.

DIJANA NECOVSKI