Filibustin' with Willie D - Servicing the Secret Service

We’ve all heard about the special U.S. team of 12 Secret Service agents and ten soldiers who went to Cartagena, Colombia and got their freak on. The stated purpose of the trip was to provide security detail prior to the arrival of the most powerful man in the world, President Barack Obama, but it ended up being a weekend of “secret services” provided by prostitutes the agents met at a local strip club.

All 12 agents and soldiers reportedly took hookers back to their rooms at the Hotel Caribe to get broke off a little some, some. But you know what they say: “All it takes is two idiots to mess it up for everybody.” The whole freak scene got busted up when one of the prostitutes informed the police, who were stationed in the hotel lobby, that she was not paid adequately for the tricks she turned on two cheapskate-ass Secret Servicemen. Since the ho in question performed sexual favors for both men in the same room, they figured they could split the bill. But everybody knows you can’t BoGo pussy.

The incident has turned into a full-blown international scandal. Because of the potential security breach, six agents have been relieved of duty with more imminent dismissals on the way. Some in Congress are blaming Secret Service Director Mark Sullivan for the behavior of his agents. But the greatest responsibility lies with the two bum agents who disrespected the number one code of tricking: Pay up sucka!

I can understand why most people are pissed about the agents’ conduct. After all, it’s common knowledge that the easiest way to get a man relaxed enough to weaken his defense mechanisms is to use a female to run interference. In the streets, it’s one of the sweetest, most effective diversion tactics ever used to move on enemies. I know a lot of dudes who are taking dirt naps right now as a result of pillow talk.

I can just hear one of those cocky agents laid up with a prostitute whispering sweet nothings in her ear after knocking her down… “Yeah, you know I’m Secret Service? I’m with the Hot Boy Counter Assault Team. That means if anybody tries to get at the President, I just push this button right here.” Then he shows her the secret device hidden underneath the lapel on his jacket. “Don’t touch that, baby!” The hooker kisses him on the neck… “Damn girl, you fine. Let me show you how to work this thing. You promise not to tell anybody?” She kisses him again. “Okay, you have to press it with two fingers and say, ‘juga juga.’ Then, deadly gas is released. Only agents like myself who have had extensive training can survive it. I’ll show you how to do it one day, OK boo?” Her head dips into his lap. “I love you. You want to get married?”

As expected, a number of politicians and holy rollers expressed their disesteem from a moral standpoint about the scandal. Although I wouldn’t pay for pussy, I don’t see anything wrong with prostitution. Basically you got two consenting adults. One wants to sell the coochie, the other wants to buy it.

At first, I thought it was kind of funny that the Secret Service was in Colombia chasing booty. But it’s alarming to think that the dudes with the most important security jobs in the world are partying like us common folk when they should be protecting the president.

Their actions could not only have a negative impact on national security today, but if the information entrusted with them gets into the wrong hands, it could jeopardize the future of the United States and its allies abroad. Espionage and blackmail are among the first set of problems that come to mind as results of this kind of incident.

To ensure that something like this never happens again, I’ve come up with a foolproof plan. Barack, please feel free to implement this brilliant strategy. This one is on the house, but when you get re-elected, I’m going to need to be compensated and identified as your Chief Security Strategist.

WILLIE D’S PLAN
The White House should put together an elite team of super-prostitutes, just like they do in the military with special-forces. They can hire them exclusively to have sex with members of the Secret Service. These girls would be the cream of the crop from all around the world. They’d have to be vetted to determine their credibility and sexual competency. Whenever they’re needed, the government could swoop them in on Blackhawk helicopters to handle our servicemen’s business and then BAM! they’re out, super-fast like the Navy Seal Team 6 when they smoked Osama Bin Laden.

The President can do background checks on the hos and interview their past pimps and tricks to get an understanding of their patriotism and how good they are in bed—we’ve got to make sure our boys are satisfied. The prostitutes would be subjected to the same penalties as agents under the Espionage Act. If they leak information they could spend the rest of their life in prison or even be executed. For the safety of all concerned, which is pretty much the entire world, we must see to it that our Secret Servicemen and women are getting all the “servicing” they need.

Willie D is a founding member of the legendary rap group the Geto Boys. Follow him on Twitter: @WillieDLIVE

Previously - An Introduction