I really dig analog stuff. I don't go out of my way to find it, but when I do I'm reminded of how cool things used to be before we all turned into gadget-obsessed automatons stuck on a one-way train to hell.
For example: Records and record players are awesome. Insanely impractical, yes, but nothing beats holding an album cover in your hands, or the warm crackle of the needle as it settles into its groove; that shit's sublime.
I even like cassette tapes. Believe it or not, I actually had a cassette player as recently as eight years ago. My computer at the time crapped itself, leaving me with no music in my bedroom. My friend Janet said she had an old stereo I could have, a beat up five-disc thing with detachable speakers. The CD player didn't work but the tape player did, so I went to a thrift store and found a bunch of old tapes: Crosby Stills, The Animals, Jefferson Airplane—all 50 cents each. It was nice listening to old tapes, and I found I didn't miss my iTunes that much at all.
Of course I junked the whole apparatus when my new computer arrived three weeks later, but I still have fond memories of those three weeks. Very fond memories. In fact, here comes one of those memories now…Her name was Kim or Karen or Kate and she had stopped in New York for a week on her way from Australia to London. We met at a bar and, with the help of tequila and a joke about a bulldog that eats mayonnaise, I convinced her I was worth sleeping with. She came back to my apartment and we did it to The Doors: Live at Hollywood Bowl (on cassette). After I'd taken her to Xanadu and back for the third of fourth time, I got up on all fours and reached out in the dark to change the tape.
And that's when it happened. I felt the hair that grows in the crack of my ass being delicately caressed like wheat in a spring breeze. She was petting my ass hair with a come-hither motion of her finger. Frankly, I didn't like it. Some men enjoy a bit of butt-play; but personally I can't stand it. Touching my asshole is the fastest way to send me spinning into a black rage. In fact, if you want a room wallpapered with your own blood, entrails, and caked hair, just come find me and start poking around my anus. It's like a nuke button. Fortunately for Katrina or Kate or whatever her name was, she didn't actually make contact with my cigar burn, so she was spared. However, I did ask her to leave immediately.
Anyway, I'm being sidetracked by my ass problems again. We're here to talk about this cool little 35mm camera Lomo just put out, the La Sardina. And also to drop a few cock gags.Like I said, I enjoy all things analog and one of my favorite analog things is cameras. Digital cameras are great, but I can't help but feel I'm somehow being robbed. Waiting for these La Sardina pics to come back from the lab was actually exciting! It's nice to have small things to look forward to. Like most people, I think about killing myself every single day. I can't walk into the kitchen without pausing to stare at the oven for a few minutes, and I think it's the little things—like waiting for photos to be developed—that keep me from putting my head in.
The La Sardina features a very large flash bulb which means it gets great photos at night, and it also comes with a double exposure so you can overlay images and get all arty n' shit. I didn't really get into that. I chose to just go out with my buddy John and turn the awesome up to eleven (pictured). The La Sardina has a macro feature, too, so you can take pictures of really small things like the cocks and balls of spiders. It's also good for capturing distant objects like mountains or lion's balls. And, of course, it's good for snapping stuff that's not so far away, like a friend…'s balls. It's a fun little camera and I'm glad I got it for free. Oh! Almost forgot: it looks like a sardine can.
JASON CROMBIEPreviously: JASON'S STUFF - THE NO2 PORTABLE DIGITAL VAPIR VAPORIZER
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