The New #Fan #Armies of Twitter

Ever since Elvis gyrated his pelvis in the 1950s, pop music has turned impressionable adolescents into screaming, crying, snotting psychopaths. While you still may find some dedicated star gazers waiting for hours outside five star hotels today, most groupies of the 21st century reside in the very same place as modern-day political activists and social philosophers—Twitter. From #Beliebers to #LittleMonsters, the road to true pop super stardom is paved with the bloated bodies of Mountain Dew-addled preteens who sit on their computers all day, watching their Twitter feed, waiting for a glorious @ or RT from their favorite star.

We're sure you're well acquainted with fan gangs like Nicki Minaj’s #Barbz, but there are some new obnoxious groups that have popped up around the latest crop of soon-to-be pop stars. Here is the new guard of sniveling teens from the hashtag headquarters:

#KuntBrigade
Their leader: Azealia Banks

Fans of hip hop’s newest dirty-mouthed darling call themselves the KuntBrigade and are completely obsessed with mermaids, which is rather odd considering mermaids don’t actually have any “kuntz.” Sources also indicate that the brigade may be launching a mermaid-education campaign…

as well as a soul-sucking attack on Nicki Minaj.

If I were Nicki, I’d stear clear of any beaches and flowery lagoons.

#Azaleans 
Their leader: Iggy Azalea

The Azaleans are a relatively peaceful tribe who worship the ASSets and ponytail swishes of the statuesque Australian rapper, Iggy Azalea. Although it is unclear whether it requires a sacred offering of “cotton candy laced in gold,” some Azaleans have even managed to acquire their own ponytails of godlike locks,

which apparently double as helicopter-esque flight propellers.

If the KuntBrigade wants the sea and the Azaleans want the sky, then I'm more than happy staying on land as far away from both of them as I can get.

#Trainwrecks 
Their leader: Porcelain Black

As their name suggests, the Trainwrecks are a troublesome troupe who, in addition to trying to bully Porcelain’s record company into releasing her album, have already gotten into a number of online beefs and brawls with other Twitter fandoms, including the loyal followers of Lady Gaga, Lana Del Rey, and, most notably, Jeffree Star (who knew that dude was still around?).

In the midst of a back and forth bitchfest between the former friends back in May, Jeffree tweeted Ms. Black’s phone number. Surprisingly, she took the aftermath in stride, actually taking the time to speak to some of the trainwrecks who dialed her up.

While she may be aggressive towards fellow singers, she certainly knows how to keep her favored fans happy.

#BratPack
Their leader: Cher Lloyd

Over the past few days we’ve been hearing a lot about Cher Lloyd—namely that she got a bottle of urine thrown at her before she was booed offstage at V Festival. To be completely honest, I thought everyone was talking about the Alicia Silverstone character in Clueless all this time, until my research assistant, i.e. my little sister, clued me in. Turns out THIS Cher is a whiny British chick who sings a song about dumping a guy and getting upset when he moves on. Sounds like a total brat, right? Aha! So there’s the reason why her fanbase has hijacked the title previously held by the ranks of Molly Ringwald and Emilio Estevez.

Of all the mounting armies of super-fans, though, the BratPack appears to be the least intimidating. All they really do is mutter on about “being epic” and try to make their “Brat Queen” feel better about sucking so bad.

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