Here's the 7 Guys You’ll Meet in Your Dance Music Facebook Group
Ben Ruby

FYI.

This story is over 5 years old.

Here's the 7 Guys You’ll Meet in Your Dance Music Facebook Group

An illustrated guide to your online rave community.

Online rave communities sure have come a long way since those hilariously old-fashioned forums of yesterday. And just like about every other subculture that exists on the internet, Facebook has given ravers a place to bum rides, pawn tickets, or just post PLUR memes all day long. Having spent a considerable amount of time in these groups, we got together with VICE Canada artist Ben Ruby and put together a guide to some of the characters you're bound to meet, including the ones that will quickly end up on your blocked list.

Advertisement

1) The Doomsayer

Listens to: Dubstep—only if it's 2008 or earlier; trance—only if it's 2005 or earlier Mostly posts: Rants, tirades about why things were "better before"

Every age of humanity inherits a prophet who has witnessed the violent, shuddering cataclysm of the world's end. Around here he's called Josh and he won't shut the fuck up about Tiesto's "Adagio For Strings" being the last time trance meant anything. "The whole scene is doomed, DOOMED," he types—his sunken features basked in the flickering of his computer screen and the weak, undulating green light of the world's last glowstick.

2) Social Media DJ

Listens to: Trop house, future bass, or whatever micro-genre is trending at the moment Mostly posts: This sick new edit fam!

When I was little, we had a friend with a dog named Hoss. Hoss used to hump my leg. He'd also hump my brother's leg. I was about six and I don't have a lot of memories from that time, but I can vividly recall his little pink dick. Every time a DJ asks me to like their page, that's what I'm reminded of.

3) The Feels

Listens to: "Everything, man. I don't like to compartmentalize with labels and genres." Mostly posts: Group festival photos of the squad

"Do you remember that time at Electric Daisy Carnival when we just laid in the grass as the sun came up? That was the realest moment of our lives." #thefeels so real right now.

4) The Greaseball

Listens to: Big room DJs with European-sounding names Mostly posts: Upcoming show flyers and his phone number

Advertisement

Like a modern-day Mephistopheles, the greaseball offers a bargain that may cost your soul itself: "Guest list and bottle service—private message me." Sure, it sounds great. But when you find yourself back at his condo listening to him struggle through Bieber songs on an old acoustic guitar, you will know he has claimed his price.Beware of the devil who wears a V-neck.

5) ID PLZ

Listens to: Not sure Mostly posts: Old memes

"HEY DUZ NE1 REMEBER WHAT SKRILLEX PLAYED AFTR SCARY MONSTERS LAST NITE??? THE DROP WAS LITTTT." Always two steps behind the rest of the community, ID PLZ just needs a little help catching up. Shazam would be a good place to start. Also, less ket.

6) Music Blogger

Listens to: Arca Mostly posts: Latest thinkpiece from RA or THUMP

Dropping by regularly to bump his posts (to the annoyance of moderators everywhere), he can never quite figure out why everyone keeps watching a video of cats dubstep dancing, but won't give his masterpiece "K-Pop and neoliberal commodification of the zeitgeist" a single click. His master's degree hangs conspicuously above his computer. Between sips of kombucha, he swears today is the day he will stop writing listicles about Diplo. But that's a lie.

7) The Festival Body

Listens to: Steve Aoki Mostly posts: Sweaty, shirtless photos with other dudes that he will swear aren't homoerotic in any way

Everything I know about a paleo diet I learned from this guy. He has a predilection for posting nutrition tips ("Food is raw as long as it has never been heated above 47 degrees Celsius!") and festival photos of his immaculately toned body. Where he goes in the winter, no one knows. He disappears suddenly, only to emerge again for festival season, like some tanned, broey Gandalf.

Gigen Mammoser is on Twitter.