The Weeknd Loves to Sing About Drugs and Cum: But Which is Better?

Abel Tesfaye AKA The Weeknd, loves drugs. He also loves to cum. Sometimes it's unclear which he loves more, but he definitely loves both of those things. Across four albums and seven years, he has made a career out of not being able to feel his face while fucking girls who "seem to have 20 different pills in them". Sometimes it seems, Abel likes to do drugs and cum at the same time, although scientifically it's unclear how he achieves this. My personal theory is The Weeknd suffers from a horrific case of coke dick and probably isn't cumming at all, which is why he's so miserable despite being surrounded by endless drugs and beautiful women. Brandon Wardell really summarised the difficulty of this Sophie's Choice with this tweet:

Does The Weeknd ever have to choose between the lean and his peen? To get to the bottom of this question of our times, I put on my best Missguided clearance section outfit and headed to the O2 centre in London where Abel would be singing about his struggles to 20,000 fans. What I found there were a lot of underage teenagers who had no right to be listening to such filthy lyrics and were (hopefully) years away from erectile dysfunction. Still, there were some adults in attendance who I hoped would be able to provide some data for this very important survey of the times.

Surprisingly, a lot of people at the show seemed to be confused by the nature of the simple dilemma I presented to them: would you rather take drugs or would you rather cum? Others thought they were on a hidden camera show. Groups of boys did not seem to like the question at all, with one particular young man in a plaid shirt getting his mates into a sort of impromptu rugby huddle and telling them not to answer because it was all a trick and I was going to put a mean caption under their photo. I wasn't but if you're reading this mate, you're a dick. Hello there!

Have you seen this tweet before?
All: No.

Well, it's the age-old question, the roadblock to mankind. Would you rather take drugs or cum?
Godfrey: WHAT? Would I rather take drugs or what?

Cum.
Noe: Both, at the same time.
Godfrey: Cum, bruv!

Fantastic.

Would you rather do drugs or would you rather cum?
Gabriel: One then the other.

Which one first?
Gabriel: Drugs, then have the sex.

Wait – are you guys together?
Sara: No, he wishes.

Oh my god, I'm so sorry mate.

Hi ladies! If you had to choose – drugs or cum?
Meb: I'd rather cum!
Kat: Hahaha.
Meb: I feel like it's more pleasurable.
Kat: Me too.

Have you seen this tweet?
All: No.

Any thoughts?
All: It's alright.

Well my question is, would you rather do drugs or would you rather cum?
Elliot: [before I've even finished the question] Cum.
Charlie: Cum.
Fraser: Cum, come on [wheeeeey!]

Any particular reason?
Fraser: It's a better feeling - for me anyway.

Lads™.

Hi ladies. Excuse me, but would you rather do drugs or would you rather cum?
Julianna: Oh my god! Is this genuine? Where is the hidden camera?

There's no hidden camera, just some face-value hard-hitting journalism. I'm legit.
Shyla: I'm not sure, you know.

It's true. What's your answer?
Charlie: Oh god, this is my little sister [points to the side]! Would you rather do drugs? I'd rather cum. It's a no brainer right?

[All three eventually agree that they would rather cum]

Have you seen this tweet?
Both: No.

Can you answer the question?
Sarah: Cum?
Sophie: Oooooh [thinking]….cum.
Sarah: Would you rather do drugs?!
Sophie: No… cum. You have to think about it though, don't you?
Sarah: I didn't think about it! I feel like you really thought about it, you had a good ten-second think about it.

Do you love drugs?
Sarah: No, but I may or may not have had good experiences with drugs!

Excellent.

Hey guys. Really quickly, straight off the bat – would you rather be high or orgasm?
[three-second silence follows, before they all burst out laughing]
Jason: It really depends on the situation.
Izzy: It depends on the drugs.
Helen: That's my boyfriend!
Jason: You've got me in trouble now. Is there a hidden camera somewhere?

Again, I am so sorry.

Have you seen this tweet before?
Chanelle: What the fuck?! No.

Oh. Excuse me. Well, would you rather take drugs or would you rather cum?
Both simultaneously: Cum!

Any further comments?
Chanelle: I don't like drugs and I like to cum!

And the winner is… cum! Thanks, everyone.

(All photos expertly shot by the writer)