In the Land of the Free and the Home of the Brave, we have the right to do many things. In the "Live Free or Die" state of New Hampshire—where voters today may give a game-changing boost to the campaigns of Comrade Bernie Sanders and/or our Great Toupee'd Mikado, Donald Trump—you are not legally compelled to wear a seatbelt or required to obtain a permit to purchase an assault weapon. Let freedom ring/reign/whatever!
We are not, however, given carte blanche to do absolutely anything we damn well please. In Texas, it's illegal to milk another man's cow. In Maryland, you can't take a lion to the movies. And in Florida, apparently, you cannot pay for your fast-food meal with a live alligator.
Alas, it's true.
Back in October, Joshua James, a 23-year-old resident of Jupiter (the Palm Beach County setting of American Horror Story: Freak Show, not the gaseous planet), reportedly visited the drive-thru of a local Wendy's. It was there, police say, that James allegedly threw a three-and-a-half-foot alligator into the restaurant.
According to the Florida Fish and Wildlife Conservation Commission (FWC), James pulled up to the drive-thru, ordered a drink, yanked the reptile out of the back of his truck, and launched it through the window. No details have been released that might give us any inkling as to why James apparently believed this to be fair compensation for his beverage. (And considering the online retail prices of live alligators, it seems like James got a raw deal.)
For all your PETA donors out there, the gator was reportedly uninjured by the toss and was later released in a nearby canal. James was arrested by US Marshals this week, and charged with aggravated assault and unlawful possession and transportation of an alligator.
The FWC claims that James admitted to picking up the gator on the side of the road and bringing it to Wendy's. A judge ordered James to avoid all Wendy's restaurants (and presumably any other fast-food joints that don't appreciate having surly reptiles hurled at their employees). He was also told to stay away from other animals and weapons, and to undergo a mental health evaluation.
The gator, meanwhile, could not be reached for comment.