FYI.

This story is over 5 years old.

Food

Holiday Gift Guide for People Who Eat

Do you know someone who likes to eat food and drink drinks? Oh wait. We all do. Here's our extremely last minute gift guide for the food and beverage fan in your life.

Do you know someone who likes to eat food and drink drinks? We all do! If we didn't do those things, our heads would fall off. We decided to pay it forward and assemble an extremely last minute gift guide for the food and beverage fan in your life. These are the sort of gifts that will make your loved one say, "Thanks for noticing I eat things!"

Antler Bottle Opener

I can't imagine anything more screwed up than not getting your kid any presents and then spending all Christmas morning in silence, opening beer after beer with a bottle opener made from real reindeer antlers. "Santa got in an accident." Buy it here for $29.95.

Advertisement

Hot Shots! Part Deux

This is a great gift for foodies! It has one of film's greatest cooking scenes, when Charlie Sheen fries bacon and eggs on Valeria Golino's stomach. As a kid, I had no idea what they were parodying—do stomachs get real hot during s-e-x?—but I loved bacon and eggs and I found this confusingly erotic. Buy it here for $10.00.

Paladone Happy Man Bottle Stopper

This is a funny gift for anyone, but especially funny if you have a friend that put his penis in a wine bottle one time 'as a joke' and then it got stuck, so he had to call the fire department. When they got to his apartment they were like, "Why did you think we'd help you with this? Go to a hospital." So you can give him this bottle stopper and be like, "Remember that time?" and the joke is, of course, that he remembers. Buy it here for $17.99.

Kitchen Craft Kitsch'n'fun Musical Cake Server

This is a cake knife that plays one of four songs while you use it: "Jingle Bells," "Happy Birthday," "He's a Jolly Good Fellow," and "The Wedding March." Putting aside how insane it would be to use this at a wedding, "Everyone quiet down! I can't hear the knife!" I was most amazed by the first review for this product online, where a grandma said that she got this for her twin grandchildren's 1st birthday. Who gets a one-year-old a knife? If you are going to get a baby a knife, get them one that is brightly colored and plays music, like other toys for toddlers. Honestly, a big problem with most knives is how uninteresting they are to very small children. Babies don't even realize how fun they can be. But it here for $16.99.

Advertisement

Food Safety Tester

A device that smells meat to see if it's rotten is crazy. Can computers smell? Buy this and point it at your friend's butts. "Uh oh. Off the charts." Buy it here for $49.95.

The Hangover Baby Carl​os Apro​n

This is just a hilarious, cool, topical gift for a hilarious, cool person. "Not the Mama!" That's not from The Hangover, but also a funny thing to say. Buy it here for $19.95.

Freeze Ak47 Bullets Ice Cube Tray

Bullet shaped ice cubes are some baller shit. I think that's how John Malkovich got his weapon so close to the president at the end of In The Line of Fire. This ice cube tray is a fun cocktail party conversation starter. Anyone you give a drink to with an AK bullet in it knows, "I'm going to die. Maybe not tonight. Maybe not this weekend. But some day soon, the host of this party is going to kill me." Buy it here for $3.00.

Tampon Flask

Flasks are great, but it sucks to get caught with one by the bouncer at some bar. This tampon flask solves that problem. You knock back a shot, and the bouncer will be all, "Wait a second. Does that girl have a flask? Oh, nope, I'm wrong. She's just drinking from a tampon. Nothing to see here. Back to frisking guys in oversized t-shirts."

And it's nice it's in a set of five, so all of your lady friends can partake. All the hot guys will be like, "Whoa, you dudes spot the five 10's drinking tampons in the corner? I've got dibs on the tall one drinking a tampon." Buy it here for $12.95.

Advertisement

Condiment Gun

Most states have banned toys that look like real guns, and that has put a serious damper on the fun at family BBQs. Have we learned nothing from video games, action movies, and school shootings? Our kids love having guns "in the mix." Luckily, this condiment gun provides a legal loophole that allows your children to play with replica weapons. And don't feel constrained by the condiments they suggest: BBQ sauce, ketchup, or mustard. You can fill this gun with any food you want, as long as the food can ooze out the tip of a revolver. Buy it here for $15.96.

Fred and Friends Mister Tea Infuser

Sometimes, when I'm showering, I hand-wash my gym shorts. I get home sweaty and walk straight into the tub. It feels efficient. But at the end of my shower, when I'm wringing out my spandex, I never think to myself, What if I drank this liquid? Should I? What if I wring this out above my head and let the crotchy-human sluice drip down my throat? Would I love it? But if you have a friend that does think that to him or herself, buy this tea infuser. Buy it here for $10.00.

Mr. Sniffles Egg Separator

Do you have a friend that loves meringue and is also secretly obsessed with eating snot? Finally, you've found perfect gift for them. Buy it here for $14.95.

Quirky Eggminder Internet Connected Egg Tray

I think I know what you mean when you are saying, "I'm not sure whether I have eggs at home or not, so I will just buy more. They cost like $3 and take a while to go bad." Well shut the fuck up, because why not have a $95 thing in your fridge that has to join your wireless network that sends notifications to your phone when you are low on eggs? Don't you hate how there's nothing in your fridge that you ever have to charge? Use your brain. Technology is the future. Be a disruptor. Buy it here for $94.98.

Big Mouth Toys Toilet Mug

It is very appetizing to drink from a toilet, especially when it's filled with coffee. But really anything that fits in a mug and is shaped like a toilet could go in here. Buy it here for $15.00.