Another week in which the NFL reveals the many hilarious ways in which it is broken and ungovernable, while also introducing America to the latest dance crazes.
Week 10 was full of reminders that the NFL is broken. On Sunday night, Arizona's Mike Iupati was taken off in an ambulance from midfield. This was hours after another player, Ricardo Lockette, who had been loaded into an ambulance two weeks prior, led off the game by working the crowd. Somehow this sort of thing scans as almost normal, now.There were several critical consequences of the NFL's continued inability to define a football catch. Whatever your feelings about Odell Beckham's catch late against New England, you might as well consider yourself correct—there's no ironclad rule to prove it one way or another. Minus proof, you can't really blame Giants fans for being upset. Nor can you blame Seahawks fans for feeling the same way after their team was denied a recovered fumble following what looked like a catch was ruled incomplete on review.
Al Michaels speculated during the broadcast that maybe it's just impossible to perfectly officiate a game like football, because it moves so fast and has so many moving pieces. That may be a defeatist attitude, though the NFL has yet to give something as basic as a specific catch rule a serious try. There also those who worry that defining a catch as possession and two feet down will lead to many more fumbles, though even that has to beat the alternative of not knowing how to rule on several plays per week.There was a plodding early slate full of ugly games. As much enjoyment as some—okay, me too—get from Peyton Manning schadenfreude, his downfall means one fewer quality quarterback in a league seemingly always struggling to find them. Jameis Winston and Marcus Mariota have showed promise this year, but are they going to replace what the league loses when Drew Brees and Peyton Manning retire?
On the other hand, Drew Stanton did a silly dance that I am still laughing at 10 hours later. It's not exactly a wash, but you've got to cling to any joy you can with the NFL.It's Not The Size Of The Flag On The field, It's The Size Of…The Fight In The Dog?
Following the terrorist attacks in Paris, fans were expecting an somber nod of recognition at NFL stadiums across the country on Sunday. There are moments of silence observed around the league, which is sufficient. Sure, there could be more, but do you really want that? Any more dabbling in geopolitical affairs is probably too much for an organization as obtuse as the NFL. Yeah, the French flag was much smaller than the American flag at MetLife Stadium, but let's see you Internet wags get your hands on a football-sized French flag within two days.
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As might be expected, a couple fans acted poorly, much to the dismay of Aaron Rodgers, who used his postgame remarks to voice displeasure with anti-Muslim remarks he heard from the crowd during the moment of silence in Green Bay.It's good to see a player take a stand against prejudice. Thankfully, the rest of the poor showings were limited to pleas for militancy, which is really just a normal part of the NFL experience.
Rex Ryan perfected the art of the Team Captain Troll on Thursday by sending IK Enemkpali out as a Buffalo team captain against the Jets months after he sidelined Geno Smith by punching his then-teammate in the locker room. Coaches appointing players as captains when playing their former team has become a frequent practice in recent years by spiteful coaches around the league, which is to say it has become a frequent practice by coaches around the league. There was Jeff Fisher sending out players the Rams acquired through the draft thanks to the RGIII trade against the Redskins. Twice this season Rex Ryan has made Richie Incognito a team captain for Bills games against the Dolphins.When you've played the Richie Incognito card twice already, it's fair to say that this tactic has been done to death. For the purposes of future hilarity, I wouldn't say head coaches should never do this again, though I would preach judiciousness in their selections. Rare is the time when fans are going to care about a kicker facing his former team. Come on, Chip Kelly, do we have to send you back to college to learn trolling?
Never one to shy away from speaking his mind, Martellus Bennett had some choice words for the Rams following Sunday's victory. And those choice words can be distilled to FUCK ALL Y'ALL, ESPECIALLY EUGENE SIMS.You have to wonder why all the animosity toward the Rams, especially when the team was finally so considerate as to put a rubberized cover over the concrete on the sidelines of the Edward Jones Dome that was responsible for hurting two opponent players in recent weeks.Cam Newton Dabs And People Are Red, Naked, And Angry Online
To celebrate a late, game-clinching touchdown run against the Titans, Cam Newton started doing what the kids call "dabbing" in the end zone. As a white dude in my thirties, it's definitely my place to explain these things to you. Anyway, I was only familiar with dabbing as a highly potent method of using marijuana—you'll be shocked to know that Vice has a piece on it. But evidently, it's also a dance. And because Cam Newton is doing it, some people are upset that he's hot dogging once again. The Titans are upset too, naturally, even though one of their defenders did a Hotline Bling sack celebration. It was an old fashioned grown man's dance war in Charlotte. Just a smash-mouth dance-off.Mike DeVito Dabs And Cultural Appropriation Looks Adorable
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In fact, the trend in so prevalent that even burly white dudes on professional football teams were doing it this week. I figure this will be like 2010 with the Dougie, where every touchdown for the span of a month is celebrated precisely in this way and then never again.Things That Were Popular In 1991, The Last Time The Detroit Lions Won In Lambeau- Breathing.- Paying attention to the lifestyle of celebrities.- Being successful and well-liked.- Food, especially sandwiches.- Terminator 2: Judgment Day. That was several Terminators ago!Really makes you think about how long it has been.Lead Me To Sanctuary, Cleatus
As much as my cynical nature wants me to complain shrilly about product tie-ins between sports broadcasts and a video game franchise I happen to enjoy, it's pretty dumb to act like the Fallout series is some sort of hallowed cultural institution and not just another dumb shooter game. What's more, FOX's Cleatus would be a tremendous addition to the Fallout universe. What could be more morbidly post-apocalyptic than a football robot wandering the wasteland? Now that I've seen this, I'm more upset that Cleatus isn't in the game, taking down bands of surviving Patriots fans.The Super Bowl Is An Expensive Boondoggle: Public Transport EditionThough Super Bowl 50 will take place far from San Francisco's downtown, that doesn't mean the NFL doesn't have costly and inconsiderate demands for accommodating its promotional events. The league wants the city to remove overhead wires for streetcars and buses near Justin Herman Plaza because apparently those unsightly things aren't up to code in Super Bowl Fan City. The cost of doing so will reportedly run in the seven figures, according to city officials. But, oh, won't it be worth it when Bud Light can install its piss-beer luge free of obstruction?
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Feels good, man. — Photo by Benny Sieu-USA TODAY Sports
A Grab Bag Of Provocative Takes I Don't Actually Believe To Rile You Up
The Packers must trade Aaron Rodgers for Kirk Cousins now, before the price gets too high.
Chip Kelly… go back to college. If they'll have you. I wouldn't.
Derek Carr: megabust.
It was a good run but the Seahawks need to hit the reset button and rebuild. Less Macklemore, more Tackle For… Loss.
The Peyton Manning haters are just jealous that he is closer to death than they are.
The injury to Julian Edelman is finally what dooms the Pats. They'll be lucky to win the East.
Brett Favre could hop down from his tree stand right now and start for the Cowboys. The gunslinger is ready. Plus, Dallas could use the attention for a change.
They hurt now, but giving up safeties at a record clip builds chemistry. Watch out for the Dolphins in Year 2 of the Dan Campbell regime, if Miami has the guts to ride the lightning.
Mentioning ISIS at football games only makes them stronger.
Ah, the wonders of Twitter, where the account for a cat that roots for the Baltimore Ravens has ~1,300 followers. Been a rough year, Ravens Pickles. Can I just call you Pickles? It's admirable you can put your feline allegiance aside to go against the Jaguars, even if it meant being on the losing end of Jacksonville's first victory in Baltimore since 1999, back when there was a division called the AFC Central.
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Anyway, Pickles, love the side eye you're giving Elvis Dumervil for his inopportune facemask penalty that gave the Jags a shot at a game-winning 53-yard field goal as time expired. That's more searing than the nastiest coach's tirade. Earning a cat's contempt is as easy as doing literally anything. But this is no regular cat. It's a cat with a #brand.Five Winners Who Covered Their Bloodline In Glory1. Reshad Jones, a red zone interception sealed a win and capped an impressive day.2. Ben Roethlisberger, on a day when it was surprising that he was even active, came off the bench to have an outstanding game. If only it were possible to like the guy. Sadly it is not.3. Adrian Peterson, who is hopefully nicer to his own bloodline these days, taking over a game that was billed as a matchup between rising quarterbacks.4. Jeremy Langford, with 182 total yards and two touchdowns, to make the Bears forget about the missing Matt Forte for another week.5. Terence Newman, his two interceptions, including one late in the game in the end zone, helped secure a Vikings victory to take sole possession of first place.Five Losers Bathing In The Hard Water Of Infinite Shame1. Ben McAdoo and Tom Coughlin, whose questionable clock management were among the key things that let a win escape against the Patriots.2. The Saints defense, more concerned with doling out cheap shots than stopping the 'Skins.3. Peyton Manning, the NFL's new all-time leader in passing yardage hitting a career low.
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4. Elvis Dumervil, who let the Jaguars steal a victory and brought much pain to Ravens Pickles.5. Landon Collins, reinforcing the old axiom that if DBs could catch—assuming anyone knows what a catch is—they'd be receivers.As For Tonight…
The Bengals could finish the season 16-0 and at no point would the team's narrative deviate from its failure to win a postseason game in each of the last four seasons. Seeing as how two of the playoff losses in that stretch were to the Texans, there will be plenty of excuses for the announcers to harp on that this evening.Previewing next Sunday night's game between the Bengals and Cardinals, NBC's Cris Collinsworth wondered whether Andy Dalton being booed by local fans at a celebrity softball game over the summer was the catalyst responsible for his breakout season. While that sounds like a glib explanation that doesn't take into account many other factors, including the hard work of Dalton and his teammates, it has some support from Bengals offensive coordinator Hue Jackson. The booing undeniably bothered the quarterback. It's a sad circumstance that, as good as he's been, nothing Dalton has done so far in 2015 can offset any of that.One reason for Cincinnati's success that has little-to-nothing to do with booing at a celebrity softball game is the emergence of Tyler Eifert. The third-year tight end missed almost all of the 2014 season, allowing some to forget that Cincinnati would enter 2015 getting back an ascendant threat in the passing game back. That said, it would have been hard to predict just how significant Eifert has been. His nine touchdown receptions lead the NFL, while his 434 receiving yards through eight games nearly eclipse his total from his entire rookie year in 2013.If this has been a Bengals-heavy preview, it's because, despite very much being alive in the woeful AFC South, there isn't much to discuss about the Texans other than the sweeping changes sure to be coming in their future. Jason La Canfora had a report on Sunday that head coach Bill O'Brien is interested in the vacant University of Maryland job, meaning it isn't just Chip Kelly being chased back to college. La Canfora, however, is based in Maryland and his sources for this story are all connected to UMD's program, so take it for what you will. If O'Brien is indeed eying the door, it would be difficult to blame him, given the uneasiness between him and the Houston front office. A Houston win over Cincinnati might change that dynamic some, since it would move the team into a tie for first place, though that's a tall order against one of the NFL's best teams on the road.
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In fact, the trend in so prevalent that even burly white dudes on professional football teams were doing it this week. I figure this will be like 2010 with the Dougie, where every touchdown for the span of a month is celebrated precisely in this way and then never again.Things That Were Popular In 1991, The Last Time The Detroit Lions Won In Lambeau- Breathing.- Paying attention to the lifestyle of celebrities.- Being successful and well-liked.- Food, especially sandwiches.- Terminator 2: Judgment Day. That was several Terminators ago!Really makes you think about how long it has been.Lead Me To Sanctuary, Cleatus
The Bengals could finish the season 16-0 and at no point would the team's narrative deviate from its failure to win a postseason game in each of the last four seasons. Seeing as how two of the playoff losses in that stretch were to the Texans, there will be plenty of excuses for the announcers to harp on that this evening.Previewing next Sunday night's game between the Bengals and Cardinals, NBC's Cris Collinsworth wondered whether Andy Dalton being booed by local fans at a celebrity softball game over the summer was the catalyst responsible for his breakout season. While that sounds like a glib explanation that doesn't take into account many other factors, including the hard work of Dalton and his teammates, it has some support from Bengals offensive coordinator Hue Jackson. The booing undeniably bothered the quarterback. It's a sad circumstance that, as good as he's been, nothing Dalton has done so far in 2015 can offset any of that.One reason for Cincinnati's success that has little-to-nothing to do with booing at a celebrity softball game is the emergence of Tyler Eifert. The third-year tight end missed almost all of the 2014 season, allowing some to forget that Cincinnati would enter 2015 getting back an ascendant threat in the passing game back. That said, it would have been hard to predict just how significant Eifert has been. His nine touchdown receptions lead the NFL, while his 434 receiving yards through eight games nearly eclipse his total from his entire rookie year in 2013.If this has been a Bengals-heavy preview, it's because, despite very much being alive in the woeful AFC South, there isn't much to discuss about the Texans other than the sweeping changes sure to be coming in their future. Jason La Canfora had a report on Sunday that head coach Bill O'Brien is interested in the vacant University of Maryland job, meaning it isn't just Chip Kelly being chased back to college. La Canfora, however, is based in Maryland and his sources for this story are all connected to UMD's program, so take it for what you will. If O'Brien is indeed eying the door, it would be difficult to blame him, given the uneasiness between him and the Houston front office. A Houston win over Cincinnati might change that dynamic some, since it would move the team into a tie for first place, though that's a tall order against one of the NFL's best teams on the road.