Dumb Football with Mike Tunison, Week 13

As November came to a close, it sure seemed like there would be little drama at the top of the playoff seedings during the final few weeks of the regular season. It was a more innocent time, or at least one that predated the New England Patriots and the Green Bay Packers hitting the skids to varying degrees. Things are different now.

The Eagles upset win in Gillette Stadium on Sunday was one of the more surprising results of the season, especially to anyone that has watched the Eagles at all. The Patriots have now lost consecutive games for the first time since 2012, and have been passed by Cincinnati for the top seed in the AFC; the Bengals have a conference record tiebreaker over fellow 10-2 teams New England and Denver. The Patriots will get relief from injury in the coming weeks, with the return of Julian Edelman and Rob Gronkowski, though it's possible that the team could slide out of a first-round bye before then. The idea of the Patriots having to play on Wild Card weekend must feel almost gauche to them—they haven't had to do it since the 2009 season.

The Broncos' low-key turnaround is less dramatic and their two-game losing streak, in Weeks 9 and 10, further removed, but Brock Osweiler taking over for Peyton Manning and playing capably makes the team significantly more fun to watch, if only because Peyton's legacy doesn't have to be a talking point revisited on each Denver possession.

In the NFC, the Panthers reaching a first-round bye is practically a foregone conclusion; home-field advantage is nearly clinched already. They're good, but the sense of inevitability is certainly less stifling with Carolina than it was, say, with New England. Most of the football world is waiting for the other shoe to drop with the Panthers, and for the team's lack of talented receivers to catch up with them. By all appearances, these doubters are already getting antsy, as the other shoe refuses to fall despite Ted Ginn, Jr.,'s continued drops. FiveThirtyEight informs us that Carolina is the worst undefeated team ever, as though that's something to be ashamed of or apologize for, even if it is true.

Though the Packers prevailed by the thinnest of margins on Thursday against Detroit, Green Bay looks increasingly vulnerable. The Vikings were filleted, pounded, breaded, and fried by Seattle on Sunday, and don't look ready to run away with the division themselves. A Week 17 game in Lambeau could very well decide who wins the NFC North, with the winner hosting a Wild Card game the following weekend and the loser settling for an at-large berth—and maybe a rematch the next weekend depending on how seeding shakes out.

The NFC East and AFC South remain fascinating disasters. Long-suffering teams like the Jets and the Chiefs have the inside track for a postseason spot. The Buccaneers may be emerging faster than anyone expected in the NFC—that or the Falcons are just collapsing faster than anyone expected. Could be both!

Anyway, either way this is good. Not long ago, it seemed like December would be a tension-free slog. There might just be some good times yet.

Bill Belichick's Mansplaining Hover Hands

During a moment of frustration in the first half, Bill Belichick argued a point with referee Sarah Thomas about officiating as it pertains to bringing down the quarterback. He did so by putting his arms around her shoulders and nearly but not quite touching her. In typical Belichick fashion, it was a keen awareness of getting around the rules, as actually touching Thomas would have resulted in a penalty. In even more Belichickian fashion, it was highly uncomfortable to watch.

Since Thomas is the NFL's first full-time female referee, it caused a stir on social media, though it's worth noting that Belichick has certainly been handsy with referees before. Recall that in 2012 that he was fined for grabbing a replacement official and screaming at them during a game in Baltimore. Perhaps the NFL needs to amend the rule to include practically draping yourself over an official.

[Extremely blogger voice] But the optics, y'all. The optics.

Jeff Fisher's Final Idea Was Faking a Fake Punt

Jeff Fisher tells the media he's run out of answers. Kind of fitting the way the team has been going.

— Jim Thomas (@jthom1)December 6, 2015

With Sunday's loss to the Cardinals, Rams coach Jeff Fisher is but 11 losses away from standing alone as the losingest head coach in NFL history. It would be the hallmark of a career that has lasted much longer than anyone thought possible, reasonable, or remotely defensible. Congratulations are in order to Fisher, who has somehow stuck around long enough to prove everyone who doubted him pretty much totally right.

But now I worry he might not reach that historic nadir, as Fisher is making it very evident that he wants to be fired. The Rams front office, in the process of awkwardly trying to relocate the team to Los Angeles, is distracted and incompetent enough that Fisher's admission of incompetence still might not be enough to cost him his job. And that's good. Given another full year, who knows what innovations Fisher will come up with. The guy is already in his baroque phase: on Sunday the Rams faked a punt, then punted it anyway. It caught the Cardinals by surprise, but still resulted in a touchback. That's some good Rams-ing.

Feel the Exhilaration of Missed Extra Points

The NFL might not ever be able to come up with a workable definition of a football catch and, in certain circumstances, playing defense will remain impossible. But, by Jove, the world of professional football will not stand idly by and let extra points be too easy for kickers.

There were nine missed extra points during Sunday's games, which is one more than the number missed in all of the 2014 regular season. The number of misses was already up significantly over last year, though the uptick in one week made it feel significant enough that Bob Costas committed his Sunday Night Football halftime soliloquy to the subject of How We As a Society Extra Point Now. Moral outrage will return to its regularly scheduled time next week.

It helps that a blocked extra point attempt resulted in the first defensive score on a post-touchdown play in NFL history, thanks to a rule change that took effect this year. College football has had that for some time; now it's the NFL's turn to have more exciting interstitial plays.

This is all well and good. The best-case scenario is that it encourages head coaches to try more two-point attempts—although, other than the Steelers, that doesn't seem to be taking just yet.

This Week in Self-Reported Concussions

Bills running back LeSean McCoy took himself out of the game against the Texans in the third quarter and later returned after clearing a concussion test. NFL insider Albert Breer was quick to cite Ben Roethlisberger telling his fellow NFL players that "it doesn't make you less of a man" to report your own concussion. As odd as it is to hear Big Ben, of all fucking people, take on toxic masculinity, it's a positive development that players are being removed from games if they're concussed, no matter how it's done. The troubling side of this is the NFL-friendly media shifting the blame onto players for reporting concussions, so that it's not so bad for teams when they miss them or perhaps willfully ignore them. It's easier to praise Roethlisberger—which is not an easy thing to do!—than it is to hold the Rams accountable for leaving a clearly concussed Case Keenum in the game in Week 11.

It's also possible that McCoy wanted to ensure he's available for next week, so he can take it to alleged fervent racist Chip Kelly. Rex Ryan already joked about not sending out McCoy for warm-ups next week. Safe to assume that McCoy will be Rex's next experiment in team captain assignment as trolling.

This Week in Teams Likely Overlooking Concussions

For every halfway encouraging story about head injuries in the NFL, there is a host of distressing ones. So here's where I tell you that the league has pledged to investigate how the Ravens handled the concussion protocol with regards to quarterback Matt Schaub, who was seen clutching his head after it banged off the turf following a hit in the second quarter. Schaub remained in the game, only to be intercepted three plays later, as well as on the following drive. Interceptions are not necessarily evidence of a concussed quarterback, especially when we're talking about Matt Schaub. And the NFL finding out that something went wrong doesn't necessarily mean anyone will be held responsible. Just some things to keep in mind.

Naturally, it behooves me to remind you that it's not even concussions of this sort that are necessarily responsible for CTE. Repetitive subconcussive blows to the head can do that. Happy football, everybody!

Dabbing Is Old and Busted and Yet OMG Jerry Richardson Doing It

Dabbing has already reached its limit as a football celebration fad that anyone pays attention to, though I will make an exception when the Panthers get their crotchety-unto-misanthropic owner Jerry Richardson to do it. At the very least, it was less strange than Jimmy Johnson having a World War II vet dabbing in remembrance of Pearl Harbor during the FOX pregame show.

Were this some other team that Cam Newton led to a 12-0 record and a 16th straight regular season victory, Richardson would likely be among the hordes crying that Cam needs to act like he's been there before and awarding season tickets for life to the referees trying to stop Cam from giving touchdown balls to kids. In this world, he's dabbing.

Honk If You Want a Touchdown

Jameis confirms. He literally asked the huddle who wants to score a TD and Evans was the first to answer. Then he caught the game-winner.
— Paul Ryan (@WFLAPaul) December 6, 2015

I'm seldom inclined to compliment Jameis Winston on account of his being a trash person, but this little tidbit from the Bucs comeback victory over Atlanta was pretty cool.

Antonio Brown Is Still Icing His Crotch

After taking a 71-yard punt return to the house late in the fourth quarter, Antonio Brown, who had already scored twice in the game, apparently was bored with touchdown dances that "look cool" or "don't hurt." So he launched himself, legs open, at the goalpost. He said during a postgame interview that he was hoping to stick to the post rather than tumble backward. Something to work on now that he's seemingly mastered every other aspect of receiving and the return game.

OBJ's Hurdle Game, Critiqued

.@OBJ_3 form is better. His left leg arm is tucked at 90 degree angle. My right arm kicks out creating air time pic.twitter.com/q5x90wN5zh
— Lolo Jones (@lolojones) December 6, 2015

Odell Beckham's amazing catches happen so frequently you have to catch yourself before your mind tricks you into thinking it's routine. After his touchdown against the Jets, Beckham simulated running hurdles across the end zone and did such a nice job of bounding invisible obstacles that Lolo Jones seems envious of his form.

This Is What Happens When Memes Reach Cincinnati

Bengals-Browns was such a by-the-numbers beatdown that there isn't much to remark upon beyond the dreadful pink sea of awful Ohioans in the crowd. I bet this dude will fight you for badmouthing Skyline Chili. In fact, I spent a few hours on Saturday hanging out with a Bengals fan and within that time he expressed a willingness to visit violence upon Deadspin's Albert Burneko for notoriously describing Skyline as "horrifying diarrhea sludge." Honor your sludge with your words, Bengals fans. Live your sludgy ideals.

Fan of the Week

Hail to the Bills Bead Man, who looks like the ghost of a shogun warrior that haunts the local big box craft store. I'm at a loss for expressing just how uncomfortable it looks like it would be to watch a football game in that costume, let alone ponder how much money this dude dropped at Treasure Island. The best I can say for it is that it probably insulates the upper body well against late fall weather in Buffalo. My certitude that this person was incredibly drunk at the time of this photo does not mix well with how long I assume it would take to get that headpiece off him. But I suppose if you don't have an elaborate NFL bead costume covered in vomit, you don't really have one at all.

Cheers also to the Browns fan who, if the screenshots are to be believed, got his phone number blocked by Browns security for texting them that the team sucks. The goal of all Cleveland fans should be to further humiliate an organization that has brought so much pain to them. Lash out at the ones you love. That's always the secret to feeling better.

Five Winners Who Covered Their Bloodline in Glory

1. The Eagles defense. A maligned group that had given up 45 points in each of the previous two weeks took advantage of the luxury of not having to face Rob Gronkowski and played aggressively against the fearsome Patriots. Philly had to survive a late-game scare after appearing to have the contest in hand, but they were only in that position thanks in large part to the forcing the first red zone pick-six of Tom Brady's career. Fletcher Cox alone had 14 quarterback pressures.

2. Stephone Anthony. The rookie is one of the few members of the Saints defense worth retaining. Besides getting the NFL's first-ever defensive score on a blocked extra point, he had a touchdown earlier in the half against Carolina.

3. Cam Newton. It helps to go against a bad defense featuring a corner who leads the league in penalties, though as many favors as the Saints did Cam, his top receiver still dropped two touchdowns. But Cam had five TDs, and now the Panthers are four not-particularly-difficult-looking games away from a perfect regular season.

4. Blaine Gabbert. To be perfectly honest, there are a lot of quarterbacks who had much better days than Gabbert—poor Blake Bortles threw for five TDs in a loss—but I never know when my last chance to lavish sarcastic praise on Gabbert will arrive, and so I'm going to take advantage of this opportunity.

5. Brandon Marshall, who's closing in on being the first player in NFL history to have a 1,200-yard season with four different teams. Countless times he's turned plays that shouldn't work into big gains, with only a few brain farts along the way. Marshall's 12 catches for 131 yards on Sunday was capped by the tying touchdown with 27 seconds left in regulation.

Five Losers Bathing in the Hard Water of Infinite Shame

1. Derek Carr, whose three fourth-quarter interceptions set up two Kansas City touchdowns and undid what had been a solid performance in a game Oakland led 20-14 with 12 minutes left. Carr has better days ahead, though a win would have done wonders for the Raiders' fading playoff hopes.

2. The Minnesota Vikings, facing a powerful opponent that is finally clicking, got stomped. It didn't help that the Vikings were without key defenders Harrison Smith and Anthony Barr for most of the game. Still, Minnesota looked thoroughly outmatched by Seattle. The tape grinders at Pro Football Focus couldn't give a positive assessment to anyone on the Vikings offense, which won't offend as many people as it did when PFF was underwhelmed by a five-touchdown Aaron Rodgers game earlier this season.

3. Greg Toler. Accurate throws to Martavis Bryant spell trouble for any corner, though Toler will never be mistaken for the league's best. On the bright side, he had two pass deflections. As for the lowlights, at least he had plenty of company among Colts teammates when it came to getting torched.

4. Robbie Gould shanked a would-be 36-yard game-winning field goal as regulation expired. Stuff like that gets you videos of angry fans kicking plastic bottle field goals in your Twitter mentions. There were five combined timeouts taken in the last minute and a half of regulation as the Bears ran out the clock. That's five times the kicker icing, says a ridiculous kicker apologist I just made up.

5. Jim Caldwell. Suspect clock management and committing two defenders to cover the sideline near the middle of the field on a Hail Mary are among several of the poor coaching moves that were ignored in favor of a ticky-tack facemask call involving Aaron Rodgers.

As For Tonight…

The Cowboys' supposed resurgence lasted all of two weeks. Now that Tony Romo is once again injured, they're back to depending on Matt Cassel to cobble together a handful of decent throws per game. Were Dallas in any other division, save the AFC South, they'd be playing out the string in a frustrating season. But this is the NFC East, and so the 3-8 Cowboys inexplicably remain alive. Fortune favors the unscrupulously bold, it seems.

Last year, a Colt McCoy-led Washington team traveled to Dallas and stole one of four victories that season over the eventual division champs. Now it's Dallas looking to be the spoiler. Kirk Cousins is playing well enough that people are talking about a long-term extension, though that has as much to do with the difficulty of finding a capable passer on the open market than any real faith in Captain Kirk's chance to be a viable franchise quarterback. A critical win over a big rival in primetime would go a long way.

A Giants loss on Sunday means Week 13 can conclude with Washington having a full-game lead in the division. At least that would establish some semblance of order. A Dallas victory means the silliness of three teams tied at 5-7, two coming off frustrating losses and one somehow glowing in the wake of a win against New England, with the last-place team only a game back. In the NFC East, the only options are chaos and despair.

The Monday Night Football finale in Week 16 between the Bengals and Broncos is shaping up to be an intriguing and important showdown. There's just the matter of wading through prime time games like this and—hoo boy—the Lions versus the Saints to get there.