The Florida Panthers may not want Jaromir Jagr back, but there's another hockey team in the Sunshine State that's desperately trying to obtain the services of one of the NHL's all-time greatest players. It's not the Tampa Bay Lightning, either.
The Florida Everglades are entering their 20th season in the ECHL, and in a—serious?—attempt to upgrade their team for the milestone campaign, the club extended a roster spot to the second-highest scorer in NHL history. In a statement released on the Everblades website Monday, the team made a pitch to Jagr with a host of reasons for why he should join (which he most certainly won't).
"Just imagine watching number 68 skate on Germain Arena ice, with his long hair flowing behind him. The whole thing just gives us chills," read part of the statement.
Of course, praising someone's legendary flow is always the first step to successful recruitment, but the team also understands that compliments alone won't be enough to convince an aging, 45-year-old Jagr that joining a tier-three minor professional league is the best place to end his storied career. So the team came up with a clause in the offer that any mid-40-year-old would have a hard time turning down.
"We are definitely open to a 'Weekend Warrior' contract for Jaromir. He could make the easy 90-minute drive across Alligator Alley and just play in our Friday and Saturday home games. Heck, we'll even send an intern to personally pick him up and drive him over if necessary."
No practice. Only home games. An Intern escort. Damn, that's pretty enticing stuff—even for a 23-year NHL veteran who knows nothing but private jets and million-dollar paycheques.
To sum up the offer, the team listed the "Top reasons for Jaromir Jagr to join the Everblades" at the bottom of the release, and most were nothing short of magical:
-Opportunity to play against former NHL standout Trevor Gillies.
-#68 jersey is available and has yet to be retired.
-Opportunity to dethrone Allen's Chad Costello from winning league scoring title…again.
-$2 Wednesday's! ($2 hot dogs, beer & wine).
-'Weekend Warrior" playing option.
-"We Got Wings Baby!"
-Sleeper bus for road travel stocked with Diet Coke and muffins.
-Brawling with Orlando option.
-Might see an alligator in the pond next to the arena.
Jagr, who put up 46 points last season while playing in all 82 games for the Panthers, remains one of the top free agents available, but has yet to find a suitor for his 24th NHL season. It's almost certain that he will get an offer from some team before the summer is up, but if he doesn't, the Everglades have all the muffins and Diet Coke a hockey legend could ever want.