Welcome to All the Shit, a monthly column in which I prepare you for the season ahead by consulting the planets or whatever. Ignore your parents. Ignore your therapist. This is the only advice you’ll need from now on.
How has the last month or so been for you? I mean, seriously, have a little think back and ponder this question. If you can't remember, maybe scan through your WhatsApps from that time and find out. There are a lot of them, aren't there. Look, there's that argument you had with somebody out of nowhere in which you hit each other over the head repeatedly with the word "boundaries". Oh look, there's another one, with your mum this time, when you literally typed out the words "omg leave me alone mum" like a big horrible child. And look, that one from early August is just voice notes, isn't it. Just voice notes, back and forth: one in which you go on a manic 2AM rant about the anomalous essence of J Lo, and another in which you are crying like that woman in The Blair Witch Project. Embarrassing.
Just me? Maybe. But also, probably not. The last few weeks have seen eclipse season, Leo season and multiple planets going retrograde. In astrological terms, that means complete chaos has been foisted upon us from every single angle. It's been a weird mixture of big egos and excessive partying (Leo season) paired with weird and unexpected upheavals in our emotional world (eclipses), alongside shit just not running smoothly (retrogrades). If you don't believe the planets could possibly be responsible for all of this, then you’re reading the wrong column, bro.
All of which is to say: this chaos is about to come to an end, because from the 23rd of August until the 22nd of September, we enter Virgo season. If you don’t know what I’m talking about, every month or so the sun visits a new zodiac sign, and according to astrological law people tend to inhabit the traits of that sign during said period. Virgo season is an Earth sign that's all about common sense, practicality and perfectionism, which means we're about to clear up the massive mess we made over the last few weeks. Here is everything you can expect:
Your fun will suddenly become radically organised
Ah, Leo season. Remember the good times? The spontaneity? The laughs? That night you and your flatmate smoked pure THC oil and ended up doing weird hand stuff on the sofa? The time you ate three grilled hamwiches in a row in your pants because you felt like it? That weekend in Copenhagen? Anyway, this type of fun will cease to exist for the next 30 days or so, because, while Virgos aren’t boring, they aren’t exactly known for their ability to "let loose".
Instead, any fun you have during this season will be the organised kind – and that's if it happens at all. It will begin with being added to a Facebook group chat, non-consensually, and end in you drafting a message about being really sorry, but you don’t think you can make Vietnamese followed by cocktails followed by bowling because you have a "family dinner thing" that you "can't miss". In other words: the party is over. Just shut the curtains until Libra season.
You probably won't fancy that person you were hooking up with anymore
The thing about Virgos is that they have standards. They don’t settle for any old person just because they drive a car and did that thing with their tongue once. As such, during Virgo season, the rest of us develop standards too. Suddenly that person you were sleeping with who you thought was hot because they wrote sad poems in biro and dressed a bit like King Krule will seem like a prick for exactly the same reason. This is Virgo season doing you a favour, tbh.
You will have fewer chats and more "chats"
Is there anything more horrifying than the words, "Hey, can we have a chat?" Because we all know there are regular chats, which happen spontaneously and can cover a range of themes, from last night's dinner to those rodents that were pumped with steroids and sold to people as toy poodles. And then there are "chats", which are suggested in a more earnest tone, usually accompanied by a sort of hand beckoning movement that makes you feel like you're being invited to die. Here are some examples of "chats":
“Hi, yeah, I just wanted to speak to you about the tea bags. When your stepdad came to stay last weekend, he basically used up half my tea bags? And I wasn’t going to say anything but I’d rather just get it out in the open so it won’t happen again moving forward? Is there any chance you could maybe replace these? Or you could ask him to PayPal me the £1.76? Just a suggestion.”
“I’ve wanted to speak to you about this for a long time, Karen. I’m leaving you. For Jessica.”
“We’re really worried about you, Simon. Your behaviour lately has been… erratic. All of us have been thinking it. There was that time you came home with the dead fox on a stick. And then there’s the nightly screaming. No – NO – this is not an intervention. It’s a… chat.”
You get the idea. Virgo season is a time in which everyone wants to simultaneously clear their metaphorical closets and dispense advice, so brace yourself for a lot more "chats" over the next few weeks.
You might think you're dying
Here are some illnesses I've convinced myself I've come down with lately: bowel cancer, brain cancer, ovarian cancer, adenomyosis, endometriosis, diabetes type 1, 2 and possibly 3, early onset dementia, ADHD, scabies and psychopathy. This is because I have a Virgo moon and am therefore a neurotic and obsessive over-thinker who deals with stress by scrolling through WebMD at 2AM and crying about all the experiences I won't have due to my life being so unexpectedly cut short.
Anyway, Virgo season will make neurotic over-thinkers of every single one of you, so if you're prone to hypochondria, or even just worrying about shit, then get ready to once again think you're dying – and if not, get ready to embrace it, baby. See you in Libra season!
This article originally appeared on VICE UK.