This article originally appeared on VICE UK
One thing I've learned about the Royal Family via my extensive viewing of The Crown and literally no other research is that, as time has gone on, they've had to gradually move closer to normal society as tolerance for the concept of "having overlords who we pay to remain revered" has decreased. Presently, this basically seems to just mean that William and Harry are slightly less useless at talking to the public than the generation before them (hi Prince Andrew, do you want picking up in the morning, pal) – but what about their children?
This morning my editor got a PR email on behalf of a brand called cosmetify.com, which has created composite images of what the royal kiddies might look like when they get older. These pictures are, of course, deeply bizarre, but they also seem to make some suggestions about what sort of people the royal babbies might end up being, especially if the royal decline continues and they end up being forced to mix with the rest of us a bit more.
For the love of content – the purest love I know – I have detailed said suggestions:
Mad to think there will soon be royals on Tinder, but if this guy is anything to go by, give it 20 years and the women of Kensington will be subject to 4AM "is one up?" texts, and "can't tonight babe got 2 go royal variety lol but can I come round after???" Insta DMs.
If this projection of Archie's future is correct, Meghan and Harry's son will be the first royal softboi, wearing a Cigarettes After Sex T-shirt under his ceremonial dress at royal engagements and breaking up with the girls he dates with the line: "I really like u but I can’t get into anything serious rn I'm just in such a weird headspace my dad’s making me join the army, so shit aha :("
Is it treason to say that a member of the Royal Family looks like they're on The Apprentice?
It might be the unfortunate cravat he's been given, but I can very strongly imagine this person leading Team Just Looping Back On This One into an ill-fated chocolate-making challenge, before being eliminated from the process ("Your challenge was to make something sweet…..but this one went sour") on account of a customer in a Newcastle shopping centre being given food poisoning. He goes on to become a prominent business commentator.
Savannah Phillips is the granddaughter of Princess Anne, is apparently the eldest of the Queen's great-grandchildren and, according to this composite of what she might one day look like, will almost certainly play goal-attack on her uni netball team (give or take one or two minor suspensions for "biting").
Obviously, in this timeline, Princess Charlotte is a literal princess and currently fourth in line to the throne, but this mock-up of what she might look like as an older person makes me wistful for the life she might have lived – that is, as the Wholesome Office Goth.
In another existence, Charlotte works 9-5 and decorates her desk with Nightmare Before Christmas merch, has seen Nine Inch Nails live upwards of 20 times and wears New Rocks on the weekend. Her whole personality is "Halloween", and though sometimes her energy drink intake makes your teeth feel weird, fundamentally she’s sound because she bakes these little cakes with bats iced onto them and brings them in on Fridays – and you appreciate it, you really do.
This composite of grown-up Prince George, heir to the throne, could also just be any man in the Spitalfields All Bar One on a Thursday night, right down to the turtleneck and the haircut (which is basically visual shorthand for, "Erm, excuse me mate, I've been waiting to order these beers and ten Jägerbombs for 12 minutes now, and I'm not being funny but it’s just a bit of a pisstake that it’s taken so long, and I think you all need to pull your socks up").
It kind of puts me in mind of a guy who is fairly high-up in a company, has his own office – and fills it with shite like mini-fridges and dartboards – but doesn’t actually know the names of anyone on his team (calls all the women "Shelley"), or indeed what his job actually is. From which you can draw your own conclusions about the very concept of royalty!