How To Deal With People Who BFF You Against Your Will

Being nice can come at a hefty price. While coming across as a seemingly grounded and approachable person has helped me meet a range of interesting people, it has also given a few people in my life free rein on how they see our dynamic. 

Here I am going to a friend’s house party, and the next thing you know, I am apparently BFFs with their roommate’s friend and getting invited to their brother’s wedding, or I have been added to their Instagram Close Friends list which, to my dismay, never allows access to nudes but just some emotional throw-up. Now, whenever I see a green circle around someone’s Insta profile, I force myself to ask how things could escalate to this point, and, more importantly – how do I let them down easily?

Adult friendships can be tricky. Most of our school and college friends eventually fade out of our lives. Even your colleagues-turned-drinking buddies vary based on your workplace. Some, though, will seep through the cracks. During my corporate days, I made the mistake of befriending this guy – let’s call him Niraj. We were both feeling out of place at this IT company and, so, during lunch I’d seek Niraj out to go for smoke breaks. 

We’d take a walk outside the campus, do our thing, and get back. After a couple of weeks, I quit and moved on with my life. But Niraj held on. He wanted to chill with me some more. And I’d oblige. He’d get one beer for himself and a couple of smokes, and would call me every Friday afternoon to see if we could hang at my apartment. Over time, it became apparent that he really just needed someone to drink with, not someone to share a drink with. And, perhaps, he wanted a place where he could do such “nefarious” activities – away from his family’s strict gaze. 

It got to the point that when he’d call I’d know exactly why, and so I started rejecting his calls. He’d ask why we couldn’t chill anymore and I’d make some boorish reason like, “I have a gig” or that I needed to complete a writing project. Truth is, I just couldn’t take his company anymore – forced as it was. I had to summon the courage to let him down, but I’m unsure he’s got the hint. 

One of my actual BFFs comedian Aakash Mehta said, “I have been on both sides: I have latched on to people over a period of time, and I have also been latched on to. So, I can empathise.” He feels that a person’s internal insecurities and desperation can lead them to befriending someone without even realising how much they are pushing themselves onto the other person. 

Mehta added, “You allow someone to BFF you because you understand how alone this person must be to have reached out to you. But it is tricky when you have a public persona. Like, I interact with audience members after a gig, and now someof them think we are best friends. I mean, sure, I’ll hang out with you before a show, but you can’t expect me to give you money, or help you find a job. That’s just logic.”

Writer Jaishree Kumar said, “I’ve been force-BFFed my whole life since I was constantly [changing] schools, which made me socially awkward.” After moving cities at the age of 17, Kumar met this girl who immediately befriended her. Soon, Kumar began receiving several unsolicited calls at odd hours. 

“She wanted to tell me everything about her life, and would make plans for the two of us without consulting me,” she said. It was when the girl involved Kumar in her relationship drama that she saw the true red flags. “Her mother would call asking me about her whereabouts, and if I said I don’t know my forced BFF would get mad at me for not lying to her mom. Soon, teachers started scolding me for getting involved in her drama and it started affecting my grades.”

But ending such toxic, one-sided friendships can be tough. Zarah Noor, a 26-year-old art director, who faced the same challenge, said, “I had this former colleague who was looking for a job, so I would help her out by sending links and typing something like, ‘ok bestie,’ which was just me being nice but it gave the wrong impression. I would even drop hints for her to please befriend someone else.” After almost two years of not picking up on those hints, Noor’s “bestie” finally came to her senses. “I had to literally text her ‘let’s take a break as friends,’ and that’s how we ended the friendship. Sometimes, I really wish I wasn’t such a people pleaser.”

Mumbai-based counselling psychologist Namrata Khetan said, “When someone takes you as a BFF, it could be a lack of understanding of expectations about the friendship, which were not communicated clearly, or it could be one person operating from a very different view of things.” Khetan added that the lack of knowledge or a difference in perception about the verbal and nonverbal cues by the person receiving those cues and the person using those cues to communicate could be another issue. “In some cases it could be an underlying need to feel connected or belong to someone. The person may be assuming the closeness of friendship to make oneself feel good,” she said. 

In the end, it all boils down to communication – how do friends convey expectations and needs, so that it doesn’t lead to false assumptions? 

Here are some tips to avoid reaching a forced friendship, according to Khetan.

It's important to understand what the friendship means for you and communicate it clearly in a timely manner. 

This will come naturally as you grow older but assertion is key at all points in a new friendship.

We may not know how to express ourselves and continue hanging out with the forced BFF, which can then lead to mixed messages. Also, if the person shares something too personal that you’re uncomfortable being on the receiving end of, you can clearly state, “Maybe I'm not the right person to talk to about this stuff.”

For example: In case they make plans to hang out with you at your place without consulting you, you can say, “I don't feel I am comfortable hanging out this weekend because I already made plans with my school friends. It would be nice if you would check with me before booking any place.”

As I mature like fine wine, I have realised that I am absolutely content with cutting people out of my life. “Oh, you don’t want me to talk to your ex? Way ahead of you. I think both of you suck.” “Oh, you want someone to go for morning walks with? Best of luck, bitch, you need it more than I do.” If you communicate your intentions clearly and perhaps don’t “like” every single meme or Reel they send you, that’s a good start to the end of the skin-tag of a relationship that forced BFFs can become.

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