The VICE Starter Pack for Becoming a Backyard Lumberjack

Timber, sweet Brawny bois and ghouls! Spring is upon us. The salmon are jammin', the forests are blooming, and even The Country Bears are slipping into something more comfortable. We’re busy stripping our old, bunk patio furniture in our John Deere G-string with a corncob pipe in our mouths, and taking a puff pause to let you know: Lumberjack spring is upon us.

As the temps rise, we’re realizing that we need some outdoor revamping reflective of our soon-to-be-surging lumbersexual daddi energy. As of right now, our outdoor spaces kind of look like some combo of Waterworld and an empty steel mill parking lot, which cool, but we’d like to level up a bit. That’s why we’ve found the best grills, blankets, and patio furniture that says, “I have my shit together, and I cook my meat closer to the Earth’s core than you.”

It’s time go feel our Yosemite oats, whether you’re looking to outfit your backyard with the best wood for axe throwing, or find the perfect monster cooler to keep those rare La Croix cans frosty.

There’s always that one friend with the wobbly set of patio furniture. Don’t be that friend. This patio set from Wayfair is made of hearty eucalyptus wood, brings in a little rattan for some texture and levity, and makes us feel like we’re sailing on an inheritance yacht into the sunset.

There’s some suprisingly handsome, expensive-looking furniture on Amazon, from Eames chair alternatives to Japandi decor. This highly-rated, four-piece outdoor furniture set is the latest to win us over with over 300 reviews praising the crafstmanship, ease of assembly, and super affordable price tag. Now we just need four friends!!

It’s the season for getting domed and burning those letters from the IRS kindling, mate. Solo Stove is the grandaddy of fire pits, because it looks slick and uses its signature 360° Airflow technology to “super-heat the air to burn off smoke before it can get to your clothes and hair.” There’s even a tabletop mini Solo Stove, but we digress.  

For those craving flames on a smaller scale, this tabletop fire pit is 43% off and has a 4.7-star average rating on Amazon. Plus, it comes with a set of four roasting sticks for S’mores and cocktail sausages.

Adirondack chairs = backyard thrones. This black steed is made of no-crack, no-fade HDPE material and comes with both a retractable ottoman and dual built-in cupholders. Cop it while it’s 29% off.

You’re not trying, but you kind of are, but no one would know that as you reign over your outdoor space from this mucho architectural, mid-century modern-inspired chair and ottoman from West Elm.

… Or you could get rare MCM throne that comes in our favorite shade, maybe-I’m-pansexual-lavender.

OK, maybe you've played horseshoes, or bocce ball, but that's kid shit. Have you ever played "Stump"? It's a lawn game wherein you go around in a circle and take turns flipping a hammer and then trying to hammer a nail into—you guessed it—a stump, as fast as you can. It's either from Germany or East Coast boarding schools, depending on whom you ask, and is lauded as both "The Best Drinking Game Ever" and "The World's Most Unsafe Drinking Game." Anyway, it's really fun, and you can actually buy a stump to play it if you don't happen to have any old trees to cut down in your yard in the interest of drinking activities. 

Big Francis Mallmann energy for this one. It’s rare to find a hearty roll-up picnic blanket for under $100, and this one is both super affordable and handy for when you need to park your peach after a hike. It even turns into its own carrying case, which handy for your commute from mountain to bar.

This light yet sturdy Peace Blanket makes us feel like an off-duty alpinist with a mysterious past and a lot of cashmere turtlenecks, despite the fact that the sellers are kind of waxing babycore by calling it your “adventure binky.” No -core shaming here, but how would a baby buy this?

A cooler that deserves its own place setting—but not in a Real Housewives dinner party way; more in a “damn, I wish someone would bury me in that” kind of way. This mega cooler not only embodies a sort of grill-daddy, retro pool party energy, but also keeps enough beers icy-cold for everyone in the group text. 

Because Jesus was basically a carpenter who knew how to throw a great dinner party, we humbly present you with this picnic table. It’s made out of solid cedar wood, and is perfect for supporting your friends’ butts/all the charcuterie boards, dough kneading, and pickle back shooters that spring and summer will bring.

We’re declaring axe-throwing the new sudoku. Not only is it a great activity for honing your focus and hand-eye coordination, but it turns every backyard into some lumbercore version of Ultimate Beastmaster. Don’t forget this hatchet, which is perfect for outdoorsy people and Metallica stans.

You’ve waited all your life for this moment: The barn owl flies you across the piny mountain forest, your feet weary and eyes full of stardust, and as he slides you into the steaming waters of the cedar wood tub that will one day be your coffin, you begin to feel the grime of the day soak off of your woebegone tones. A feast of detritus for your passing caterpillar kin! You benevolent, fragrant lumberlord. You would find a Norse god soaking tub for yout at-home sauna.

… And just to prove that you’re not soft, we suggest washing down your herbal soak with a plunge into one of these ice barrels. You know, for #MentalToughness.

Happy log-splitting, sweet summer child.

The Rec Room staff independently selected all of the stuff featured in this story. Want more reviews, recommendations, and red-hot deals? Sign up for our newsletter.