Entertainment

The VICE Starter Pack for Becoming a Backyard Lumberjack

Roll out the Carhartt-brown carpet for the best lawn games and patio furniture to awaken your inner TikTok lumberjack or log lady.
Hilary Pollack
Los Angeles, US
MF
New York, US
April 6, 2021, 8:31pm
lumbersexual-yard

Timber, sweet Brawny bois and ghouls! Spring is upon us. The salmon are jammin', the forests are blooming, and even The Country Bears are getting vaccinated (here’s how you can, too). We’re busy stripping our old, bunk patio furniture in our John Deere G-string with a corncob pipe in our mouths, and taking a puff pause to let you know: Lumberjacks are taking over TikTok. providing thee warm weather energy this year:

As all the critters and cicadas prep for their own Hot Girl Summer, we realized that we also need some outdoor revamping reflective of our soon-to-be-vaccinated, big lumbersexual daddi energy that is surging. Given that travel is still weird, and the pandemic is still here (saying it once more, for the folks in the back), a great way to feel our Yosemite oats is to find all the outdoor decor that can bring a kiss of National Park joy to our fire escapes, yards, and patios. 

Heretofore, our outdoor spaces have looked like some combo of Waterworld and the Island of Misfit Toys (IYKYK). No more. The following grills, Pendleton blankets, and dark wood chairs are pieces that say, “I have my shit together, and I cook my meat closer to the Earth’s core than you.

You’re here for a sturdy set

ChairSet.jpg

Photo: Wayfair

There’s always that one friend with the wobbly set of patio furniture. Don’t be that friend. This patio set is made of hearty eucalyptus wood, brings in a little rattan for some texture and levity, and makes us feel like we’re sailing on an inheritance yacht into the sunset. 

3 Piece Seating Group with Cushions, $225.99 at Wayfair

The lowkey statement chair

Chair1stDibs.jpg

Photo: 1stDibs

You’re not trying, but you kind of are, but no one would know that as you reign over your outdoor space from this mucho architectural, mid-century PVC chair, going off on how you want to be buried in Alexander Calder cufflinks.

Handmade Midcentury Style Outdoor Lounge Chair, Charcoal with Coral PVC in Stock, $675 $475 at 1stDibs

You like lawn games that involve sharp objects and heavy drinking

HammerSchlagen.jpg

Photo: Esty

OK, maybe you've played horseshoes, or bocce ball, but that's kid shit. Have you ever played "Stump"? It's a lawn game wherein you go around in a circle and take turns flipping a hammer and then trying to hammer a nail into—you guessed it—a stump, as fast as you can. It's either from Germany or East Coast boarding schools, depending on whom you ask, and is lauded as both "The Best Drinking Game Ever" and "The World's Most Unsafe Drinking Game." Anyway, it's really fun, and you can actually buy a stump to play it if you don't happen to have any old trees to cut down in your yard in the interest of drinking activities. 

Hammerschlagen/Stump Lawn Game, $350 at Etsy

You smell like sap and pit-charred quail

PendletonBlanketYellow.jpg

Photo: Overstock

Big Francis Mallmann energy for this one. It’s rare to find a Pendleton anything under $100, and this throw is super affordable, a nice dusty 70s yellow, and perfect for places where the nighttime temp really dips (it’s made of “virgin wool”).  It even turns into its own leather carrying case. “Called ‘steamer rugs’ during the early 20th century,” explains Pendleton, “these blankets were a warm, welcome companion for those who traveled by horse-drawn carriage, train or boat.” Or subway!

Pendleton Kent Motor Robe Throw with Leather Shoulder Strap, $99.50 at Overstock

Daddy cool

RedCooler.jpg

Photo: Overstock

A cooler that deserves its own place setting—but not in a Real Housewives dinner party way; more in a “damn, I wish someone would bury me in that” kind of way. This mega cooler not only embodies a sort of grill-daddy, retro pool party energy, but also keeps enough beers icy-cold for everyone in the group text. 

Permasteel 80 Qt. Patio Cooler, $216.12 at Overstock

Because maybe you own a sauna

Trek Light Gear Peace Blanket

Photo: Trek Light Gear

This light yet sturdy Peace Blanket makes us feel like an off-duty alpinist with a mysterious past and a lot of cashmere turtlenecks, despite the fact that the sellers are kind of waxing babycore by calling it your “adventure binky.” No -core shaming here, but how would a baby buy this?

Trek Light Gear Positive Vibrations Blanket, $108 at Trek Light Gear

For your first Last Supper of the summer

PatioTable.png

Photo: The Home Depot

Because Jesus was basically a carpenter who knew how to throw a great dinner party, this picnic table is made of solid sawn (yah, we’re not sure what that is, either, but sounds legit) lumber, and comes as close to assembled as you can get (nor do you need to buy any tools to assemble it). Think of all the charcuterie boards, dough kneading, and pickle back shooters this boi will host. 

72 in. Deluxe Picnic Table with Treated Legs, $119.98 at The Home Depot

Improve your vision, or something

targetkitblue.jpg

Photo: Etsy

We’re declaring axe-throwing the new sudoku. Not only is it a great activity for honing your focus and hand-eye coordination, but it turns every backyard into some lumbercore version of Ultimate Beastmaster. Don’t forget the hatchet.

Axe Throwing Target Kit, $399 at Etsy

Soak off those Paul Bunyans

Build with Ferguson Tub

Photo: Build with Ferguson

You’ve waited all your life for this moment: The barn owl flies you across the piny mountain forest, your feet weary and eyes full of stardust, and as he slides you into the steaming waters of the cedar wood tub that will one day be your coffin, you begin to feel the grime of the day soak off of your woebegone tones. A feast of detritus for your passing caterpillar kin! You benevolent, fragrant lumberlord. You would find a Norse god soaking tub.

ALFI bFree Standing Cedar Wood Soaking Tub, $1,670 at Build with Ferguson

Happy log-splitting, sweet summer child.


Your faithful VICE editors independently selected all of the stuff featured in this story. We may receive a small commission if you buy through the links on our site.