Not to get weird, but the vows are “to have and to hold” for a reason. And that reason has been proven, time and time again, by the vendors of QVC: You must see, and you must touch. You must hold, and be held in rapture by the items you surround yourself with. This is true of lovers, frenemies, and weighted blankets. Most of all, it is true of body pillows.
But hold my Thera Cane, kid, because I have a bone to pick with the pillow pushers of the sleep industry. Who did body pillows so dirty? They never get the sexy marketing attention of a Casper mattress (remember the Venice Beach pop-up art installation?) despite being the backbone of so many literal human backbones come bedtime. Studies have shown that a “huggable communication medium,” otherwise known as a pillow, actually decreases cortisol levels to bring people both physical and mental relaxation. They bring softness, comfort, and the illusion of proximity to another human pulse when the Sunday Scaries come. They do the work. And as anyone who has seen the elaborate, frilly pillow Tetris situation on the bed in Dolly Parton’s 1980s Manhattan apartment knows, pillows must bring equal parts comfort and ambiance—something that is sometimes easier said than done with body pillows, which are definitely a storage commitment. So we’ve included a variety for you to choose from, be it a first-timers foray into a plushy noodle; a U-shaped situation to make you feel as if you’ve crawled back in the womb; dense pillows to anchor your dreams; or novelty pillows to make your lover go, huh.
Given that the first nine months of our lives are spent in a portable, round womb-mattress with an umbilical body pillow, it is a little ~rude~ to suddenly find ourselves thrown into life sans constant cushioning. We would like to be smothered in the fluff, from dawn ‘til dusk. So here’s all the pillows we’ll be triangle-choking like an MMA champ.
Baby’s first body pillow
OK, so you’re new here. If you want to test what it’s like to sleep with some extra fluff and/or a feather-stuffed noodle by your side, try out a simple roll pillow (great for placing under necks, backs, and legs, or to cling to like a massive Tootsie Roll). If you’re ready to get right into the long boi pillows, however, Cosybay’s pillow is just over $20 and doesn’t require you to buy a cover separately. (Although, check out Parachute’s body pillow covers, which come in a bunch of earthy, millennial shades.) The Company Store is also a brand we will back until cremation day, and their medium-density, long body pillow is finally on sale.
You want the full body nest
Time to get back inside the womb, or the closest thing to it. Maybe you also have a wee babe growing inside of you, or maybe you just want to feel cradled by a U-shaped pillow that wraps around the contours of your body like a trail of fluffy sausage links.
You want density
You did not come here to play. You will be requiring the density of a brick of talc, and for that the Snuggle-Pedic memory foam pillow is perfection. True to the experience of sleeping with a boo, one reviewer describes repositioning it as, “akin to moving an unconscious Great Dane around on your bed. Here for it.
You want novelty
What better way to compensate for a dogless childhood than with a plushy, ever-silent good boy? Who needs people, when you have a self-sufficient semi-torso (both with a button-down, and in the ~buff~), giant carrot, or lone booty? The realm of novelty and Etsy body pillows is truly too powerful.
P.S. Don't forget SEX PILLOWS. Yes. Do that next.
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