The Sixth to Last Human Chat Ever Recorded


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The Sixth to Last Human Chat Ever Recorded

​In honor of Earth Day, here's the story of the sixth-to-last human conversation to ever be recorded. It takes place, naturally, on gChat.

In honor of Earth Day, here's the story of the sixth-to-last human conversation to ever be recorded. Naturally, it occurs between people who are separated by thousands of miles, staring into their screens, alone as the sea levels rise and the planet fries. Humanity has made a last ditch effort to prevent total collapse, and, well—let this story be a reminder of why we need days like Earth Day to not fuck everything up. -the Ed.




Where are you?


Okay, what are you looking at right now?

i'm staring at my screen

That's not what I meant. What would you see if you looked outside your window?

i don't have any windows. you?

There's drapes over my windows. I taped the seams so the light can't get through. What WOULD you be looking at if you had a window?

fine fine, i'd see my neighbor's house. ex-neighbor, or. the roof collapsed, and i'd see their dead trees in their dead yard.

I'd see the water. If I moved the drapes, I mean. I'm high up. It used to be a nice view.

I used to watch the boats dock all afternoon.


I don't know why. They looked like they knew where they were going. I had a telescope.

Ask me something now.

Do you have any questions?


Fine, I'll ask another one. Share a memory that makes you smile.

sounds like you're working off a list.

What list?

i don't know. you've done this before.

What do you dream about at night?

You don't dream?

I dream about vacation with my parents. We used to go to this place in the mountains, only in my dream the lodge is deserted, all the birds are gone, and none of us are supposed to be there. Then my mom in the dream turns to me and says, "Isn't this nice?" That's the same thing she told me after I was confirmed sterile from S. I remember. She said, "Won't this be nice, to be part of the solution rather than the problem? I'm proud of you." I'm not proud.

at least your mother was.


Whatever. What did your mom say after you self-sterilized?

You're SS'd right?

How'd you get on this list then?

There's no one else on it even, there used to be millions.

Are you sad it's all going to be over soon?

I think I will be a little sad. Like drinking my last can of protie yesterday was sad. Partly because no one is going to know. Just like no one knew I had finished my last protie until I told you now. I have so many stupid secrets like that.

Or maybe it will be a relief.

Remember how beautiful they said the world is going to become once we vanish?

Do you think we're the last ones left? Are you still here?

no, i don't.

Well, it took me forever to find you. It used to be easy to find somebody to talk to. Weren't all us barren's supposed to get old together and watch the earthworms and the bamboo take over our cities while we stared into the sunset and sang the kids songs they taught us?

goodnight Earth, goodnight world, stop your tears, it's my time. i'm ending now, so there's room, for other life--and you. ugh.

That's the one.

What do you look like?

check your screen.

I don't think you look like that.

how about this?


How about this? Or this? Or this? That last one is really me. I used to look like that.

It's okay. We all changed.

Do you think anything will miss us when we're gone?

Where do you think the others went? Is everyone jumping ship a little early?

Do you ever think of jumping ship a little early?


Or do we have an important job to do. Like having this conversation.

you should learn to keep to yourself.

I don't think this is a conversation I can have by myself.

What do you think happens if we keep chatting? I think we should get a reward. Somebody has to be watching still. My reward is that everyone I ever knew will appear in this room. Or strangers even. Do you remember how they promised this whole process wasn't going to be lonely?

I used to want to have kids. It sounded nice. You know, all those picture books.

Did you want to have kids?

Are you still there?

What color are your eyes?

i don't remember.

Mine were blue.

Do you think there's more weird shit in the air?

I really wish you would ask me a question.

No one has asked me a question for a long time.

Fine. What's your pulse?

What are you wearing, on your feet?

When was the last time you went outside and what did you see then?

Do you still have food?

Are you still there?

Are you still there?

Are you still there?