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What I Saw at the New York Auto Show

Since America fell in love with the automobile, forever ago, the auto show has been a gala affair, a mix of pomp and populism driven by an unswerving faith in freedom and industry.

Since America fell in love with the automobile, forever ago, the auto show has been a gala affair, a mix of pomp and populism driven by an unswerving faith in freedom and industry. On the preview days, many wear suits, new cars are revealed from under silk sheets, futuristic cars spin on giant turntables, coffee and drinks of various colors are served in luxurious booths, banners and freebies declare the quintessential themes of hard-working or wealth-earning America, and women in painfully-tall heels smile graciously as men with cell phone cases attached to their belts invent any excuse to try to talk to them.

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As fun as it is, the event comes down to one fact: giant automakers are desperately trying to convince Joe Public or his son or daughter to someday shell out an insane amount of money on a product that immediately loses thousands of dollars of value as soon as it drives off the lot. In a way, the car pitch is not far removed from the gadget push (or, for that matter, the dudes-with-the-cell-phones push): Specs are bandied about as if numbers mean anything, and every new model year is just improved enough to make you think your old one sucks.

But more than that, the key to selling a car is to sell a prospective driver his own best vision of himself. If the New York International Auto Show is any indication, an auto show is not just a display of autos. The auto show is the finest, largest showcase of lifestyles that we may ever know. Below, what I saw and what I learned.

You need a special car because you’re active

The number of small SUVs with mountain bikes on top, like this Suzuki Grand Vitara, was astounding. It seemed that every marque had one.

Here’s another CUV (compact utility vehicle) from Chevy. The whole mountain biking thing seems like a good way for people who want an SUV — which are much less efficient than, say, a station wagon — to convince themselves they need it. “I’m an outdoorsy person,” says the dude who goes camping once a decade. “I need this SUV.”

Indeed, Chevy really played up that whole theme with this hilariously cornball banner.

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If a mountain bike isn’t active enough, Toyota was slangin’ its Tundra with a dirtbike and a wooded wallpaper. When people see you driving a Tundra at Costco, they’ll know you’re actually an X-Games lumberjack.

Honda’s Crosstour went in the other direction. For a soccer mom who doesn’t quite want a wagon, here’s one that’s just larger and heavier.

Even the Prius, already a paragon of lifestyle branding, trotted out a bike with brain-controlled shifters. Efficient and smart.

Mini, of course, only makes like two models, so they have to push into niches. Mini Yachtsman: for the barge driver in you.

Nissan, by taking the Murano CUV and lopping the roof off, has made the perfect vehicle for those that aspire to be a middle aged real estate broker in Santa Barbara.

Hybrids are sporty and responsible

The original Honda CRX was light, efficient, nimble, and fun. The new CR-Z is overweight, underpowered, and boring. But at least it’s a hybrid and comes in red!

This Lexus CT F Sport hybrid was posed next to an array of Lexus’ F Sport parts. If you want a car that’s neither fast nor efficient, but even more so, here’s your place to shop.

Porsche has always been known for doing things differently, and doing them well. (They’ve always kept their 911s rear-engined, for example.) But here’s Porsche’s giant sports sedan for country club types, which is kinda weird looking. Thankfully it comes in an S (sports!) hybrid model.

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The 3 series has bloated into massive proportions, but since its introduction, the 1 series has provided BMW with a lightweight, fun alternative. So why not fill it with batteries to make a heavy electric vehicle with little range and no sporting intentions?

This is simply egregious. Acura’s original NSX was an incredible example of a well-engineered, balanced, lightweight sports car. Now it’s coming back as a chubby, battery-laden monster. Looks amazing, though.

You’re only rich if you test everything but the driver’s seat

This is my favorite look. Not only did Rolls Royce have a concierge, the only customers allowed into their little lounge were the folks who know to test out where they’ll actually be sitting.

Look at this guy. His purchase hinges on the passenger seat. He has no need for driving.

Men drive trucks

The displays in the truck arena were epic. Nü-metal blasting, Sam Elliott expounding on stump-ripping torque through giant speakers, and this gem of a shop where you can buy official RAM gear like an ironworker. Did you know Dodge split off its Ram truck line just so it could build a separate, super-manly RAM brand?

Even better, you can get a beefy truck in red with stripes, like a race car. Muscle truck for the win!

Truck names are epic. This model of F-150 is set up to race off-road like the Baja 1000, and appropriately it’s called the Raptor. I want one desperately.

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Ford’s called its largest trucks Super Duties for ages, which kinda sounds like a baby joke. Thanks to the spec wars — Who can tow more? Who has more torque? — between Ford, Chevy, and Dodge (Ram), they get bigger every year. Just think: this model was even bigger than that lovely gal in the background! Better yet, it has so much chrome my chest hair is tingling.

You need to be tougher

My favorite ad meme at NYAIS was the implication that you’re a wimp, but your car could make you tough. How else can you explain this flat black Acura SHIELD concept, complete with light bar and crazy grill?

Acura: the car for aspiring post-apocalyptic dictators.

The military theme continues with Mercedes’ evergreen Gelandewagen, or G-Class, a former military off-roader that’s been redesigned to be plush enough for rappers and tough dads. Not a bad move for Mercedes as the V8-powered boxes cost start at over $100,000.

Mercedes’ tough guy theme continues with this SLS-AMG finished in a take on an olive drab. The SLS-AMG and its wonderful gullwing doors is one hell of a sports car, with a hand-built, 563 horsepower V8. But it’s the army green that makes you feel like a badass.

The muscle car era gave us great, intimidating names, like the Plymouth Fury and the Dodge Challenger. The new version of the Challenger is pretty attractive, but it’s got quite a battle on its hands with the newest Chevy Camaro and Ford Mustang.

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One of those Mustangs is the Boss 302, which pays homage to some special lightweight, high-power models of the late 60s. Just look at that baby, she’s mean! It’s got the same mix of performance as its ancestors, with a high-revving 5.0 liter V8 that puts out horsepower numbers in the mid-400 range. Some people have called it the best Mustang ever, but you only need to know one thing: when you drive it, you’re the BOSS.

This Land Rover Defender concept is my favorite tough-persona car at the show. The original Defender was legendary in its ruggedness (to the point that Michael Crichton spent a couple pages of The Lost World rambling about it). Now, Land Rover’s gussied up its new Defender soft-roader travesty with a snorkel and knobby tires. And that’s it folks: appearance is everything!

Stay tuned for Part Two of Motherboard’s auto show guide tomorrow.

Follow Derek Mead on Twitter: @drderekmead.