Who Is Actually Going to Have the Least Trash Reunion of 2017?

Back when the ozone layer was an adamantine shield above our heads and peonies bloomed across the land, reunions traditionally centred around two things. In first place: visiting old family members to eat moistureless slices of cake. In second: looking for lonely high-school friends to perform a damp and tight cuddle, 20 or so years after you were first introduced in a lesson about cliff erosion.

Of course, the world changed since then. For a start, the ozone layer now features more tiny holes than a pair of easy-breathe running pants. It's possible to become a notch in the bedpost of a high-school flame while swerving the arid get-together with the entire class. In their own adorable way, most grandparents have figured out how to email. All of which is to say, reunions now traditionally centre on the slightly less attractive but still quite talented members of a band you once loved coming together to give it The Big One one last time. Think the Stone Roses at Heaton Park. B*Witched at the Minehead branch of Butlins. Blur at Hyde Park. Blur at Glastonbury. Blur at British Summer Time. Blur releasing their eighth studio album, The Magic Whip.

Like last year, and the one before that, and all the other ones, this year has been rife with acts reconciling in the grand tradition of making the art, the money, the good times roll once more. The KLF, Liberty X, From First to Last – they're all revving their engines to return to music's super highway in 2017. But how successful are they going to be? What's the point? Will Liberty X threaten S Club 3's prominence on the Student Union circuit? Are we all, inherently, little bags of meat searching for respite from the torturous monotony of being? Let's take a look at the frontrunners in this game of misfortune.

Who are they and what are they famous for?
As famous for burning a million pounds in cash as they are for their music, they're like the Philosophy, Politics and Economics students of rave. AKA, perfect fodder for The Guardian.

Why are they reuniting?
The world – with its think-pieces and its depravity and its exploitation and its episodes of Black Mirror – needs another KLF. In fact, that's exactly what The Guardian wrote about them a few weeks ago. The time is now; the time is ripe. The young have no money; the old miss their youth and will pay for it.

On a scale of Daft Punk's "Get Lucky" to Fatman Scoop performing at Northampton University, how successful will it be?
It's hard to believe even the most studious of young electronic music fans will develop a hint of excitement for these men. It is, in some ways, like getting meat sweats over sitting in a room and reading broadsheet journalists reviews of the month's best art galleries. That said, there will be blanket coverage, there will be a poster somewhere on the London Underground, someone, somewhere – everyone, probably, all at the same time – will say how important this moment is. And then it will wash down the plughole of time and into the past, where it firmly and beautifully belongs.

Who are they and what are they famous for?
Five rejects from 2001 TV talent show Popstars who formed a new group from the ashes of their broken dreams and eventually sold more records than Hear'say, the basic bitches. Why are they reuniting? 
Former member Kevin Simm won The Voice last year, apparently, and now the others want a fat slice of the D-list cake. Of course, "That's not true! The gigs were booked already!" they cried on Twitter, alongside some laughing crying emojis, but quietly, we know it is true. The laughing crying emoji tells all.
 
On a scale of Daft Punk's "Get Lucky" to Fatman Scoop performing at Northampton University, how successful will it be?
No tea no shade, but answer me this: when is the last time you witnessed a pop band from the early-00s who were only marginally successful at the time go on to do anything other than scream their hits next to a scratchy CD player on a gay pride float in North Norfolk?

Who are they and what are they famous for? 
Now we're talking! This is Skrillex, before Skrillex was a world-famous DJ and back when he was like every other greasy-haired teenager – ie: wearing two belts, looking like the October entry for a calendar of all the top rated men on the Vampirefreaks forums, trying (and succeeding) to make music for MSN screen names.

Why are they reuniting? 
Well… From First To Last never actually broke up, but their glo-up period (2004-2006) was intrinsically tied to Skrillex being on vox. Now, far be it from us to suggest that Sonny Moore was some sort of divine teenage prophet holding the scene together, but the genre nose-dived into irrelevance the year he left the band to become Skrillex. We're just saying. Anyway, cut to a decade later and it seems like everyone has finally come to their senses and realised that, actually, the world needs more music with blast beats and passionate lyrics about grave-digging.

On a scale of Daft Punk's "Get Lucky" to Fatman Scoop performing at Northampton University, how successful will it be?
The hardest part is over for From First To Last: they have managed to release a legitimately good "emo" single in the year 2017. That in itself is akin to the first human foot coming into contact with the moon levels of successful. It is the exact moment someone decked Richard Spencer. It is Rihanna telling Piers Morgan to grow a dick. Everything from here on is just garnish. Fuck The KLF. From First to Last is for the children.

Who are they and what are they famous for?
Before their 2001 split, this five-piece pop act popularised frosted tips, sticky lip gloss and faux locs for white people. As to what they're most famous for? The choreography. I can't believe you would even ask. If you were a toddler in 1999, then the best we can do is to explain that Steps did some dances that other people memorised and copied, against their better judgment.

Why are they reuniting? 
Let's be real, probably money. And it wouldn't be the first time either. In 2002, H and Claire came back for a year as … H & Claire. They peaked at number 58 in the albums chart, before being dropped by their label. In 2011, the full five-piece reunited for their post-breakup reality TV series Steps Reunion, before making their reformation official on 2012's Ultimate Tour and a followup Christmas tour that year. And now, after they got together for a New Year's Eve performance at London LGBT venue G-A-Y in December 2016, they're meant to be setting their egos and 15-year disagreements aside again. Plus, it's been 20 years since the group formed, so that's as good a reason as any nowadays.

On a scale of Daft Punk's "Get Lucky" to Fatman Scoop performing at Northampton University, how successful will it be?
Aunties love an easy dance routine, so this should be able to sell out an arena or two. Steps came up at a time when British pop vocalists could get away with just about being able to hold a note, so the fact that both Claire and Faye had the range earned the group a huge fanbase. As long as they play the hits and don't try to crack out some new experimental jazz fusion B-sides, they'll do alright.

Who are they and what are they famous for?
The Cain and Abel of rock music: Noel and Liam Gallagher (and also the other constantly changing ones). Gak.

Why are they reuniting? 
The brothers constantly deny it's happening when asked, so this entry is half sleuth work, half very wishful thinking. Back in November, NME reported that the band had begun tapping support acts for a reunion in 2017 – so either somebody needs money, which always trumps sibling rivalry, or the Gallaghers miss being proper rockstars. In all fairness to them, if you had the opportunity to play "Cigarettes and Alcohol" to thousands of people again, you probably wouldn't need much more motivation than that.

On a scale of Daft Punk's "Get Lucky" to Fatman Scoop performing at Northampton University, how successful will it be?
Have you heard of Knebworth? Someone put us on their shoulders, give us a 20 deck of Silk Cut and let us sail victoriously to the high, hallowed heavens of history. Please, carry us to the chopper.

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All images from artwork, music videos, Instagram.