Get Through Election Night with Grapefruit Beer and Fried Potatoes

Ah, the British general election night. There's nothing like six months of apathetic campaigning culminated in eight solid hours of license fee-chomping infographics and pseudo-political commentators to really bolster your belief in democracy.

Since this year's election coverage seems to have been dominated by tabloids' bids to outdo each other on politicians-being-incapable-of-eating-food stories, it's only right that your election night party follows a similarly gastro-centric route.

If this really is the most unpredictable election in decades, you'll need to settle those nerves with some punch. But forget your standard ginger-and-rum concoction (what are you, a UKIP voter?). Mix a couple of bottles of beer with grapefruit juice and fistfulls of mint, and know that while Frinton-on-Sea may be voting for "one law for all—British law," at least you're promoting diversity in the punch bowl.

After several hours of Jeremy Paxman coaxing Gogglebox personalities for coherent political comment in Channel Four's attempt at "alternative" election coverage, eating foodstuffs based on puns of politicians' names is going to be way less fun than initially thought.

Don't mess around with "Cleggs Benedict" or "Fillet of Sturgeon" but admit that all anyone really wants is crisps. What better way to champion the glory of universal suffrage than with a big fuckoff bowl of crisps?

But show your guests and, y'know, the Magna Carta a little respect—don't just empty a Walkers family pack into the fruit bowl. Fry these hand cut potato slivers and sprinkle with just the right amount of seasoning.

If you manage to stay conscious long enough to find out who took the Brentford & Isleworth seat, you're going to need hashbrowns. Try this mush-free Agatha potato recipe, courtesy of Australia—a country where they love their right to vote so much, they make it illegal not to.

In the cold morning light, as you crunch your perfectly golden HB and reflect on last night's thrilling electoral showdown/how old David Dimbleby must be now, remember that we are entering a new political era ripe with possibility, hope, promise…

Pass the tomato sauce.