In response to the NFL's heightened and unintelligibly enforced crackdown on taunting, the league announced it would circulate a video in the coming weeks clarifying what is and what is not taunting. As you may have noticed over the first month of the season, officials have had a hard time figuring out how much twerking is too much twerking, or who is allowed to pull an imaginary arrow from his fictional quiver and let it metaphorically fly. Antonio Brown can't twerk, but Jerrick McKinnon can grab his nuts. Josh Norman can't play Robin Hood, but Brandin Cooks can. And so on.
So, according to Dean Blandino, the NFL is going to set everyone straight with a video tutorial of sorts. What this means—we think, we hope—is that there might just be video of an ass-shaking Dean Blandino floating around NFL offices. The world needs to see this video.
"We certainly want the teams to have clarification," Blandino said, "and this isn't a new issue. We've been dealing with this in the past. And so we're going to send a tape out in the next week or so and clarify some of these things. But the key is if it's a gesture that either mimics a violent act -- that's something with a firearm or a bow and arrow -- or a sexually suggestive act, those are unsportsmanlike conduct. That's … something that officials will flag. That's direct from the competition committee and something that we're going to try to be as consistent as possible."
We don't need the whole tape, obviously. We just need someone to get us the "Don't" portion that deals with sexually suggestive acts. If it's Blandino, or Ed Hochuli, or maybe even Roger Goodell himself gingerly breaking it down, we want that goddamned video. We will reimburse whomever supplies us this video with multiple and various pictures of stoned-looking dogs and/or cats, or something of equal or lesser value. That is a VICE Sports guarantee.